


I Love Her, That's Why

by EndoratheWitch



Series: Gotham Nights [24]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Batman: The Dark Prince Charming (Comics), Harleen - Fandom, Harley Quinn (Comics), Suicide Squad (2016), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: A little Arkham City, Anal Sex, Crimes & Criminals, Dresses, F/M, Harley's dance based on Sally Rand's Fan Dance, Kidnapping, Proposals, Shameless Smut, Wedding Dress, Wedding Planning, Weddings, beatings, lots of smut because that's what I do, murderous clowns, non-abusive Joker and Harley Quinn relationship, referencing short I wrote
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-04-07 07:15:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 57,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19080121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: Harley convinces Joker that they should get married.





	1. The Proposal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Pbabes_143](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pbabes_143/gifts).



> Fantastic prompt from Pbabes_143

The low mellow sounds of Yaël Naïm’s version of Toxic filled the dimly lit room. 

Joker laid back, dressed in a pair of plum colored slacks, green suspenders and a dark blue dress shirt that was unbuttoned enough to expose the top of his chest. He was sprawled across a dark purple cushioned chair, his legs spread wide, while his dress shoes shone in the dim light, and a cigarette dangled from his fingers as he watched Harley. 

Harley was dancing slowly, wearing nothing except a pair of red, lacy panties. Her blonde hair was loose, falling around her shoulders in soft, silky waves that made his fingers itch to run them through her hair, to pull her hair, holding her head back while he dragged his tongue across her skin. He smiled at the thought bringing his cigarette up for another drag while watching the sensual way she moved her body, like flowing water, soft and sinuous, her grace and control clearly visible in her dance. Her bare feet made no noise against the floor when she spun slowly, rocking her head to the music, her hips weaving, her back arched, and her hair falling away to reveal her breasts, that were, Joker thought with a sigh of appreciation, absolutely perfect. 

It had been a rough week. Batman had spoiled not one, not two, but three of their capers. The only saving grace was that they had escaped him each time. Joker smiled at the thought that while Batman had ruined their plans, he had failed to catch him and Harley, which must really get under the old Batbore’s skin. 

A small laugh escaped his lips as he let smoke roll from between his red lips, making him look like a clown dragon. He sighed again and let himself relax, watching as Harley slowly turned her body, her long golden hair falling down over her shoulders to cover her breasts while she moved her arms over her head and snaked her body back and forth in a tantalizing manner that made Joker lick his lips. She had told him to relax, had lit his cigarette, and poured him a drink before she put the music on and started her slow, delightful striptease. He grinned; she always knew what to do to make him feel better. His grin slipped into a frown at a thought--wasn’t sure how he had coped without her, and that thought led to two uglier ones. Did he need Harley? Did that make him weaker having her with him? He mulled over the two questions, rubbing his lips with his fingers as smoke slowly rose from his cigarette. Penguin has said at one time that Harley was his Achilles heel, his one weakness. Riddler had tried to get under his skin by telling him that he depended on Harley too much. Even Scarecrow had made a jab at him about her. 

Joker narrowed his eyes. Fuck them. Jealous. That was what they felt; they were all jealous because he had her. Harley was his girl. He smirked then. She didn’t make him weak, she made him stronger because she was his partner, his lover, his confidant, the one person in all the world, in all of Gotham he could trust. (And those bozos didn’t have anyone like that.) Harley would always have his back, always be there for him, and he found that he enjoyed being there for her. 

He grinned. They just didn’t understand what it was like to have that someone who fit perfectly with you, who understood you on a level that no other human being could. No, Joker decided as he watched his Harley dance, they simply didn’t understand what he and Harley had. 

Harley turned around to face him, her smile sexy, her eyes steamy. “Feeling better puddin?” 

Joker put his cigarette out on the arm of the chair and held his hands out. “Not quite yet sweets.” 

Harley giggled and hurried over to him, hopped onto his lap, her arms going around his neck. She curled up close and began to cover his face in kisses. It was slightly annoying, and slightly not. 

Joker wrinkled his nose, but held her tight with a smile on his face. “Stop it,” he said with no real heat in his words. He liked the way she felt in his arms, naked, smooth, her skin soft and creamy. He ran his bare hands over her while trying to maintain his aura of annoyance--it wasn’t working--but he tried anyway. 

Harley giggled running a hand along his pale skin where his shirt lay open, feeling the play of his muscles, the smooth feel of his collarbone under her fingertips. “Nope, can’t make me.” She purred, laughter in her blue eyes. 

Joker lifted a green brow at her in amusement. “Challenge accepted.” 

He grabbed her face with one hand, pressing her lips out in a fish face and blew a very loud raspberry against her skin. Harley squealed, which made Joker laugh. He began to cover her in kisses, though he mixed in raspberries against her cheeks, neck, and collar. Harley squealed and wiggled around, but that just prompted Joker to hold her tighter while blowing raspberries against her skin, still moving over her and finding the most ticklish spots, and each louder than the last. Harley laughed, pushing on him as she tried to get away. 

“Stop!! That tickles!” Harley giggled. “You win! You win!” 

Joker laughed. “Good!” 

He moved back to her face, blowing a few more loud raspberries against her cheeks again before he finally kissed her. A real, long and slow kiss that made Harley’s immediately go limp. She wrapped herself around him, returning his kiss tenderly. Her hands moved into his hair to brush her fingers through the thick green locks as she leaned deeper into the kiss, pressing her nearly naked body against him. 

Joker made a soft moan of pleasure as he wrapped his arms tight around her. He licked her lips, brushing his nose against her, catching her lips with his teeth while they kissed. He sighed, a smile of contentment on his lips as he stroked his hand along her thigh, brushing his nose against her throat and cheek, his lips teasing her ear. “If you could have anything right now Harley, what would it be?” 

Harley pulled back to look at his face better. “Anything at all?” 

Joker nodded. “Yes, I’m feeling generous--anything at all.” 

Harley pressed her lips together, and then a smile slowly moved across her face. “Absolutely anything?” 

Joker sighed, rolling his eyes in exasperation. “Harley, that’s what I said.” 

She giggled turning to look fully at him. “I want a wedding. I want you to marry me. That’s what I want.” 

Joker blinked and looked taken aback. “What?” 

“I want a wedding,” she repeated with a firm nod. “A big wedding! With a cake, a big ring, a big dress, and lots of flowers! OOOh! You could get a purple tuxedo!! Or a black one, but like old fashioned with the long tails.” She gasped. “You would look so handsome!!” Harley was warming up to her idea, and as she spoke she began to undo the buttons of his dress shirt. “We could get all our friends to come and have a really great party afterwards and Red and Kitty cat could be my maids of honor! I could make them wear red and black dresses! We could kidnap Batman to be your best man! Or maybe just let Riddler do it. It would be so awesome!” Her eyes were bright with the possibilities. “Oh, oh…” She thumped him on the chest in excitement. “ We could get a purple limousine and drive around Gotham with cans dragging behind us and a big sign that reads ‘Just Married!’” 

Joker blinked in shock. Of all the things he thought Harley would ask for, a wedding, getting married, was not one of them, but as he thought about it, the big production of a wedding, his ring on Harley’s finger, the spectacle and fanfare...he started to grin. It would be the talk of Gotham, The Crown Prince of Crime and his Harlequin tying the knot. It would be all over the papers! The television! And it would, of course, piss Batman off to no end. 

Joker grinned at Harley. “All right then--let’s do it.” 

Harley blinked in surprise. She had been expecting him to groan and roll his eyes or say something mean that he would apologize for later. She had not expected agreement. 

“Are you serious?” Harley asked, and then her eyes narrowed waiting for the punchline. 

Joker grinned. “As a heart attack.” 

Harley was quiet for a moment, long enough that Joker frowned. “Harley?” 

Harley squealed. “YES!!!!” 

She threw her arms around Joker, scrambling up to straddle him as she kissed him all over his face. Joker laughed letting her do as she pleased as he laid his hands on her hips enjoying the attention until Harley stopped and pulled back. 

“I want a proper proposal though. I want a ring and you to get down on your knees. Oh, and I want it to be a surprise. So like, don’t tell me when you are going to do it, okay?” Harley looked down at him, her eyes wide. 

Joker groaned. “Do I have to? I just said I would marry you.” 

Harley narrowed her gaze. “No. You have to do it proper.” 

Joker dropped his head back against the chair with a loud, almost comical groan. “Do I have to?” 

“YES!! You have to! We need witnesses too! I want other people to see you ask me!” Harley pouted, her pretty pink little bottom lip sticking out. “I want other people to see it. I want everyone to be talking about it. PLEASE!!!” Harley smiled. “I’ll make it worth your while.” She pressed her teeth into her bottom lip, squeezing her arms together to force her naked breasts up in a way he found delectable. 

Joker sighed, his blue eyed gazed slightly annoyed, but, she did look awfully pretty with her blonde hair down around her shoulders, her pink nipples peeking through the golden tresses... 

“Fine. You’ll get a proposal…” Harley started to squeal. “BUT…” Joker pointed a finger at her. “Don’t pressure me about when it is. I’ll be ready when I’m ready. Deal?” Joker lifted a brow at her. 

Harley was all bright smiles and excitement as she nodded her agreement. “Deal puddin!” 

Joker smiled. “Now, I deserve a treat I think.” 

Harley kissed him, forcing his head back with the pressure of her kiss before she pulled away and murmured in a throaty voice, almost a growl in her tone. “Yes you do puddin.” 

Joker watched with a heated gaze as she slid down his body until she was on her knees between his legs. Harley slowly fastened and unzipped his pants, her smile never leaving her lips as she gazed up at him. 

“Puddin…” She said his pet name slowly, like she was wrapping her tongue around the word, much like wrapping her tongue around his already hard erection. 

Joker’s breathing deepened. “Harley...my sweet pumpkin pie.” 

He smiled at her when she freed his erection, her hand warm against his throbbing member. She dragged her tongue up the side of him, the sensation sending shudders through his body. He reached out with one hand to smooth her hair back from her face, his fingers caressing her cheek and watching her as she smiled, sliding him into her mouth. Joker’s legs jerked, his shoes scraping against the floor. Harley’s lips were always so soft and her tongue moved with a snake-like grace, sending warm ripples up through his groin to spread through his body both causing him to tense and melt at the same time. 

Harley smiled. A wedding! Her Joker was going to marry her!! She was so excited she could barely contain herself. She hadn’t expected a yes (hadn’t even expected him to ask her what she wanted.) She had expected a laugh at best, but he was seriously going to do it. She smiled and sucked his erection deep into her mouth, her love and lust peaking with an agonizing heat in her body. She loved him so much, loved him from the very depths of her soul and he was finally going to let everyone know that he loved her too. She sucked on him, dragging her mouth up feeling a shudder roll though his body, followed by a deep moan. She loved that sound, loved to feel his fingers in her hair, hear him moan with pleasure, pleasure she was giving to him. She smiled with complete happiness, pulled her lips up, then sucked him again deep into her mouth, her tongue playing back and forth against the sensitive underside of his throbbing length. She gradually pulled up, pressing her lips firmly against him. She didn’t like to do this fast; slow was the only way she performed oral sex on him, taking her time to enjoy every moment of it. 

Joker arched his back a little when she pulled in a particularly delicious way, her tongue swirling and tickling until he though he might explode. His hands had dropped to the arms of his chair and he squeezed, digging his fingers into the material of the chair’s arms and hissed with pleasure. He watched her, breathing deeply, her golden hair falling back around her face hiding her from view, but he could feel her, feel her suck him deep into her mouth, her nose brushed against him before she pulled back. Harley squeezed and cupped him while swirling her tongue over the head of his penis, her sucking gently followed by a teasing press of her teeth against his skin. He nearly rose up off the chair when she performed a particularly pleasurable pull with her lips followed by her tongue licking him slowly, as if she were making sure she covered every bit of him with her tongue. 

Joker groaned. “Harley...pumpkin...Daddy needs you.” 

Harley brushed her hair back, continued to slowly lick him, her eyes dancing. Joker was slouched back in the chair, his hands on the arms of the chair. He looked weak, needy, vulnerable. She loved it. She dropped her mouth down on him one more time, taking him deep into her mouth until he almost touched the back of her throat, pulling her lips back up slowly and making a loud pop sound when she released her mouth’s grip on him. 

Joker groaned. 

Harley stood and Joker watched her through his lashes as she slid her panties down and stepped out of them before she stepped closer again. She straddled his lap easily, gracefully before she set her feet on either side of his hips in the chair. She grabbed his shoulders, her fingers digging in, pressing into the muscles of his shoulders as she lowered herself down. Joker held himself ready, waiting, laying his other hand on her hip to guide her as she came down and slid on top of him, their bodies fitting together perfectly. 

Harley moaned when she felt him enter her, going so deep that she shuddered. She pulled herself forward, pressing her body against him with her knees against his shoulders. She leaned in to capture his mouth, kissing him until she could no longer think straight, everything reduced to sensation. 

Joker groaned when their bodies came together, feeling himself wrapped in her wet warmth sent a burst of heat through him. When she pulled herself closer, Joker wrapped his arms around her legs. He spread his legs, bringing his knees up to give Harley a stable base from which to move. He hissed when she started to move, pushing herself up then lowering herself down on him. She moved slowly--trying to kill him, he was sure--as she pulled up gradually, her body holding onto his body, dragging herself up along his erection in a slow, gradual pull of her muscles against his sensitive member, the sound of their bodies coming together, wet, moist erotic... 

Harley pulled against him as she rose, then plunged back down, burying him deep inside her. Joker hissed through his teeth while his body jerked with pleasure; his feet rose up on his toes as he simultaneously held her down on him while thrusting up into her. His fingers pressed into the skin of her thighs, his back arched with pleasure back against the seat. He gazed up at her watching the way her eyes changed from light blue to a brighter blue, like they had stars in them. He smiled. His girl with stars in her eyes. 

Harley loosened her grip on his shoulders and wrapped her arms around him, her fingers easing into his hair, grabbing fistsful of the thick green locks, tugged his head back to expose his neck. She rocked her body over his erection, groaning as she felt him plunging into her over and over. She bounced and thrust, the strength in her legs allowed her to maintain her position easily as she continued to thrust against him. Harley held his head back, his neck exposed and dragged her tongue up his throat. She liked being in control like this, it allowed her to have her way with him, to satisfy her desire to use him. She loved him so much, she couldn’t get enough of Joker. She sucked in a breath as her orgasm began to build, a warm tensing that rose higher and higher as if she were climbing a mountain. She pulled on Joker’s hair, holding his head back, her mouth on his throat as she moved faster, chasing after her orgasm until she reached the peak and fell. 

Joker grunted holding on tight to her, pressing her legs up against him when she came. Feeling her pleasure roll over her like a wave left him panting, his body aching and gnawing with need. When Harley’s grip in his hair loosened, Joker stood, at the same time wrapping his arms around her waist, sliding out of the chair and dropped to his knees and taking her with him. He cradled the back of her head as he drove her to the floor. (He was careful not to trip over his pants which had slipped to his knees, then lower to his ankles when he stood, though he still heard a rip of fabric. Usually this would have upset him, but he was rather busy and simply filed it away to get upset about later.) Once he had Harley on her back, Joker thrust into her--hard, powerful thrusts--his pelvis smacking against her and burying himself deep. Harley scrambled to grab onto him, wrapping her hands around his shoulders, crying out her pleasure, her body arching under him. She wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling his mouth down to hers, moaning as her orgasm rippled into another. 

Joker pressed one hand against the floor, his other hand he wrapped around Harley’s head, his fingers sliding into her hair. He didn’t grab her hair, instead he stroked his fingers through it while he moved, thrusting into her with a strong, steady rhythm, caressing her hair, brushing his fingers across her scalp while he moved. 

Harley held on to her lover. She felt so good almost as if her body was overloaded with sensation. Each thrust felt better than the last, she could feel that steady build, a burn in her groin that was building each time Joker thrust into her. She caressed his arms, before reaching up to grasp his ghostly pale face between her hands. She gazed up at him while he continued to thrust steadily into her. 

“I love you puddin...ah...I love you.” Harley purred, her voice soft, filled with emotion. “I love you...uh...” She groaned whena deep, erotic heat rolled over her. She dropped her head back against the floor holding on as the wave hit her. 

Joker hissed. “Harley, my…my pumpkin...I love you…” His brow furrowed. She felt so good, but it was becoming all too much. He leaned into her, pressing deep and let himself go, his thrusts punctuated with their moans. 

They held onto each other until they both collapsed, the tension in their bodies going loose and fluid at once. 

Joker stroked her hair with his fingers, his eyes closed, occasionally pressing a kiss against her temple while Harley stroked her hands along his shoulders and back. 

After a bit Harley whispered. “We should have a bouncy castle at our reception.” 

Joker lifted up to look down at her, his eyes bright and his smile wider. “That is one of the most brilliant ideas you have ever had.” 

* 

A few days had passed since the marriage discussion. Joker had tried to ask Harley questions about the wedding, but Harley refused to discuss anything marriage related until there was a proper proposal and a ring on her finger. 

Joker fumed, pacing back and forth, his hands behind his back. He was wearing a pair of black slacks with a blood red dress shirt. His dark blue tie hung loose around his neck, the green and black striped vest he wore hung open and a lock of green hair had fallen to curl over his pale forehead. He looked beyond annoyed. Over the back of the couch he was pacing in front of, Joker’s black jacket and matching red gloves lay next to Bob who sat primly on the couch, his hands folded on his lap while he watched Joker pace. Bob was wearing one of his favorite rainbow tutus with a pair of fuzzy rainbow colored antennae on his bald head that matched the fuzzy rainbow slippers on his feet and the rainbow t-shirt he wore with a unicorn flying across his wide chest. Bob watched the Joker expectantly, while a small smile pulled at his lips. 

Bob had been ecstatic about the thought of Joker and Harley getting married. The bald man had clapped his hands and danced around with joy when Joker and Harley had given him the news. Next to Bob sat Frost, dressed in his typical black suit, white shirt, and red tie. The only deviation from the usual was that Frost had taken off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. Frost, unlike Bob, wasn’t as overjoyed because he knew this was going to be a very tiring endeavor in which he was going to have to make sure Joker and Harley didn’t do something so crazy that he ended up in Blackgate or they ended up in Arkham. Orr worse, dead. Working for Joker meant death was a possibility even when dealing with the simplest things. 

Frost was occupying himself with his gun. He had field stripped the weapon, laying the pieces across the coffee table in Bob’s room to clean the piece. He was now methodically putting the gun back together while keeping an eye on Joker. The routine helped to keep him focused. Frost had just given Joker the ring that the Boss was going to use for the proposal. Initially Joker had wanted to steal a ring from one of the more high end jewelry stores, but doing so would alert Harley and she had said in no uncertain terms that she wanted to be surprised. A big heist at a jewelry story was a dead give away. So instead Joker had enlisted the help of Frost and Bob, his two most trusted gang members, with only Harley being more trustworthy. 

Frost has used his many connections in Gotham to get ahold of a jeweler to make Harley’s engagement ring. Joker had decided that he wanted Harley to have something special, something unique like her. He had decided to design her engagement ring himself and have her ring made (though Frost had talked him out of adding things like a poison spike, or some sort of trigger for Joker gas. That had been a long, fun conversation about why it wasn’t a good idea. It wasn’t until Frost had suggested, with Bob’s support, that Joker should make the more “fun” ring as a gift for their honeymoon, which made Joker excited about the idea of designing Harley another, more deadly ring.) Frost had crossed his fingers hoping the man he hired to bring Joker’s vision together did a good job, because if he did not make something the clown liked, then Joker would hunt the man down and do something horrible, such as cut off all the man’s fingers, and that was if the man was lucky. 

But the jeweler ended up being lucky and skilled, because ring was beautiful, Frost had to admit. Joker had performed a rather good job designing it, which had made Frost wonder if Joker, somewhere in the dark corners of his mind, had once had some artistic abilities. The ring was made of platinum, with a ruby in the center cut in the shape of a diamond, like a diamond found on a deck of playing cards. The ruby was then surrounded by tiny diamonds that continued halfway down the sides of the ring. It had cost well over five thousand dollars to have made, but Joker had simply given the money to Frost without issue or comment. Frost hadn’t even had any idea where the money had come from or how Joker had acquired it, but he had been smart enough not to ask any questions. He had simply taken the money and paid the jeweler to create the ring. 

Now, the three of them were brainstorming on how exactly Joker was going to ask Harley to marry him. Frost watched his boss muttering to himself. The green-haired man’s blue eyes flashed as ideas were quickly thought of and dismissed in the matter of seconds. Frost hoped the Boss would come up with something soon because Frost could see the building frustration, and that would mean someone was going to die soon. 

At that very moment Joker spun around with a snarl that quickly transformed into a growing smile. “I got it! I know exactly what to do!!!” Joker laughed and clapped his hands hopping in place. “It’s perfect!!!” 

Frost glanced at Bob who gave him a broad smile and shrugged. 

Frost sighed, turning back to Joker, afraid to ask. “What’s perfect Boss?” 

Joker grinned, his blue eyes wide with excitement as he looked between Bob and Frost while holding his hands out. “Isn’t the Gotham River to River music festival starting this week?” 

Frost again looked at Bob before he replied. “Yeah Boss, the big opening is down at Robinson Park tomorrow. Why?” 

Joker threw his hands up. “It’ll be perfect!!! There’ll be hundreds of people there! The mayor will be there! The police commissioner will be there!! Bruce Wayne will be there!!” Joker danced around clapping his hands with excitement. “Can you imagine it!! We’ll take over the main stage! I can do it right there on stage for everyone to see!! Harley’ll be thrilled! I’ll get that stupid plant that Harley’s friends with to sneak her in…” 

Frost frowned looking up as he completed reassembly of his gun. “Boss, you sure you wanna get Ivy involved?” 

Joker frowned, followed by a shrug. “No, but I don’t want Harley to know either, so…” Joker stopped jumping around and grinned at Frost. “Can you go see her for me?” He batted his eyelashes at Frost, his hands held out in a supplicating gesture, fingers clasped together in pleading. “Pleeeease…” Joker stuck his bottom lip out, continuing to flutter his eyes like a young woman trying to flirt. 

Frost frowned glancing between Joker and Bob (who still looked quite happy). Frost sighed and asked. “Can I take Bob with me?” 

Joker nodded. “Yes, but you have to go now...go….” He made shooing motions with his hands. “I have costumes to design!!” Joker spun on his heels and exited the room with a laugh. 

Frost stood up, sliding his gun back into its hostler, the weapon cleaned, loaded, and ready for use. “Costumes?” He looked at Bob, but the silent man simply continued to smile. 

Frost frowned followed by a shrug. “You ready to go see Ivy Bob?” 

Bog hopped to his feet and hurried to another corner of the room, coming back a few seconds later with a purse. Frost smiled then let out a long breath. “All right, let’s go get this over with.” 

* 

Frost drove to the abandoned estate that Poison Ivy called home, with Bob in the passenger seat beside him. Frost leaned forward and looked out the front windshield at the heavily overgrown gate. He couldn’t see much in the darkness, but the lack of light didn’t matter; the place was so heavily overgrown that even full daylight couldn’t penetrate the greenery. Frost hated this place. The estate was huge, had once been one of the most fashionable, lavish places in Gotham several decades ago, before the owner had become a crazed recluse--and later a murderer--and was carted off to Arham, while the estate was left to rot. The old fashioned manor house that had been left to fall into disrepair looked like one of those haunted places where people go in and got eaten by demons or chased out by ghosts, Frost thought. It had become worse since Ivy took over, now the house was swallowed by greenery, vines, and flowering plants. The vegetation enveloped the remains of the house, spreading out to cover everything from the old greenhouse, the gardens, to the gates, the old fountain that was in the middle of the courtyard and had spread out to the edges of the very edges of the property. There were other “things” growing here too. Supposedly they were just plants, but they didn’t look like plants to Frost. Large flytraps, pods, and flowers that were hidden deeper in the heart of the estate, hidden in dark corners, things that looked like they were breathing, thinking things...made Frost think of things one would find in a horror movie. Frost shuddered just thinking about those things. 

Joker’s right hand henchman was sure that Ivy being here was one of those secrets that everyone knew about on some level, but no one wanted to acknowledge because no one wanted to mess with Poison Ivy. He knew Batman left her alone as long as Ivy didn’t do anything to draw his attention, like killing people and feed them to her plants or turn people into trees or something even worse… 

Frost shuddered again. God, he hated coming here. He never understood how Miss Quinn could be friends with Poison Ivy, as the women were like night and day. They shared nothing in common. Ivy hated all human beings, except Harley. (Frost figured Harley was the only person who could still tap into what little was left of Ivy’s humanity, which was why the two women were friends, though he wondered how long it would be before Ivy wasn’t able to stand Harley either.) 

Bob hopped out of the car happily, the big man acting as if they were on a great adventure. The big man had never shown the least little bit of fear of Ivy and Ivy seemed to love Bob, as if he were a precious pet rather than one of the humans she hated so much. She was always pleased to see the big bald guy, which was why Frost had brought him along. If Bob was with him, Ivy was less likely to be annoyed with him and decide he would be good fertilizer. 

“You ready?” Frost asked and Bob nodded with a large smile. 

Frost took a deep breath to steady himself. “Let’s go.” 

Frost pulled the gate open with an effort, the old iron creaking, and only willing to move a short distance. Frost squeezed though the gate opening, hoping the plants that surrounded them were not real poison ivy as the leaves of the vines that choked the gate brushed against his skin until he was through. He turned wondering how he was going to push the gate wider for Bob, but the larger man slipped through like he was coated in butter. Frost frowned raising his eyebrows, but then shrugged and turned around to look toward the house. 

There was a light on in one of the first floor windows. Frost knew from experience that it probably wasn’t an actual light, but some sort of glowing plant. He shuddered and started to walk toward the house knowing that Ivy probably knew they were here from the moment he had pulled up. 

* 

Frost made his way carefully through the jungle that was the inside of Ivy’s home to find her lounging on the petals of a gigantic rose that filled the entire left hand side of the home’s living room. She was naked, though her long red hair flowed down her body. The soft glow that came from some sort of lantern shaped flowers that hung from the ceiling showed off the vines that flowed under her skin. She smiled when she saw Frost, her look imperious, but that expression quickly changed when she saw Bob. 

“BOB!!” Ivy squealed going from cold earth goddess to young woman as she sat up and threw her arms open. Bob rushed over and grabbed the green woman up off her feet and hugged her. Frost stayed where he stood and maintained a neutral expression. He would never understand the way everyone reacted to Bob. He liked Bob, but Joker, Harley, Ivy and the rest of the rogues all acted as if Bob was the greatest thing since the invention of the wheel. It was odd and he just didn’t understand, just like he didn’t understand why Bob stayed with Joker and Harley. It was clear any of the less murderous rogues would have gladly taken the big man into their respective folds, but Bob stayed with Joker and Harley, always. It was also clear to anyone who knew the big tutu wearing man that Joker and Harley were Bob’s favorite people. Frost supposed he didn’t have room to make any judgements. He had been offered a lot of other more profitable situations, but he always stuck with the Boss. Joker needed him; it was as simple as that. 

Ivy giggled when Bob put her back on her feet. “So what are you doing here?” 

Ivy turned her attention to Frost. “Is something wrong with Harley?” 

Frost shook his head. “No, ah...actually I’m here on behalf of The Joker.” 

Ivy frowned and dropped back onto her rose petal seat. “Joker? What does that clown want?” 

Frost took a breath. “He plans to ask Miss Quinn to marry him.” 

“WHAT?” Ivy sat back up with a look of shock on her face. “What are you talking about? You’re not serious are you?” 

Frost nodded and took a small amount of pleasure in surprising the queen of plantdom, though he kept his expression calm. “Yes and ah, he wants me to ask you to make sure Harley is at the opening of the Gotham River to River music festival, main stage, tomorrow night.” 

Ivy narrowed her eyes. “What’s he planning?” 

“Honestly Miss Ivy, I don’t know exactly what the Boss has planned, but I can tell you he had a ring made for Miss Quinn and that he is serious,” Frost explained calmly while Bob backed him up with vigorous nodding. 

Ivy leaned back with a little shake of her head, still looking shocked. “I never thought that clown would...hmm...really? You’re sure? He isn’t going to turn this into some sort of tasteless prank? If he breaks Harley’s heart, I swear to the Green...I’ll kill him. Turn that pasty faced clown into a tree.” Ivy narrowed her eyes, but she glanced at Bob. “He’s serious?” 

Bob smiled brightly and nodded again. 

Ivy laughed softly. “Wow, I’m just...Sure, I’ll do it.” 

It was Frost’s turn to look surprised. “Really?” 

Ivy nodded. “Really. Harley really loves that idiotic clown and if he is serious about marrying her...well, I love Harley and I would never do anything to make her unhappy. So yes, I’ll do it. I’ll help.” 

Frost smiled. “Great. Ah...well...okay.” 

Ivy smiled. “Just make sure he knows that if he messes this up, he is fertilizer.” 

* 

The Gotham River to River music festival was a large, free, week long festival that opened the summer season in Gotham. There were several stages set up along the riverfront, but the main stage was in Robinson Park instead of on the river. The park stage would hold the most famous bands, or any performers that were thought to draw a large enough crowd that the smaller riverside stages couldn’t handle. It was also the stage were Mayor Armand Krol--with the help of Bruce Wayne ,who was one of the major donors to the festival--would be opening the celebration for the public. 

Harley was excited to see the opening of the festival. The opening act for the festival was a local band known as Ashes on Sunday who Harley really liked. Ivy had invited her to go, just the two of them for a fun girl’s night. Harley was a little suspicious though that something was up. Ivy didn’t like to go out in public much, unless it was something to do with her plants, and when she had asked Mistah J about going to a concert in the park, he had been fine with her going. Usually he would have pouted or had a fit. He didn’t like Harley going out without him, which was fine with her since she didn’t like going anywhere without him either. She had actually sort of hoped he would throw a fit and go with her...but when he had lazily flopped his hand at her, lying on the bed reading comic books without looking up and told her it was fine and not to stay out too late, all of Harley’s alarms went off. 

The only reason Harley had gone ahead with Ivy was because she was hoping that maybe this was it...maybe the proposal she had been waiting for was finally going to happen!! 

* 

The park was crowded, the weather warm and humid even after sunset. Harley frowned, turning around and looking at all the people. No one seemed to recognize her, which would make for a better time. She had her blonde hair in two braided tails framing her face underneath a large floppy black hat. She also wore a pair of denim cut offs, a red tube top and red tennis shoes. She had chosen to round out her outfit by wearing a pair of black framed glasses. (It always amazed her how a pair of glasses could change a person’s look so dramatically...or people were just stupid. Either way, it worked in her favor). Next to her was Ivy. She had her red hair braided like Harley’s, minus the hat. She wore a pair of jean cut offs too, and a loose, faded blue t-shirt and sandals. Ivy had changed her skin color to make herself look relatively normal, but if anyone were to get up close and really examine Ivy, they would have seen the light green coloring to her skin, the illusion of vines flowing underneath her pale skin. 

The two women were pushing their way through the crowd to get closer to the stage (Ivy had gotten instructions from Frost just before she picked up Harley, to get as close to the stage as possible. She hadn’t been given any details as to why, but Ivy had shrugged and said she would do it.) 

Harley giggled as she shoved some guy out of her way heading toward the stage. “This is so exciting! I’ve always wanted to see Ashes on Sunday. I just wish my puddin was with us.” Harley’s bottom lip jutted just enough that Ivy could see the pout on her friend’s face. 

Ivy subtly blew something in the face of a young couple that stood in her way talking, which started to two people kissing like they were going start having sex right in the middle of the crowd, right there on the park lawn. Ivy chuckled and moved the now overly amorous couple out of her way with the tips of her fingers. “Well, I’m glad you’re happy.” 

Harley grinned, but her smile was quickly followed by a gasp as she stiffened in shock. She turned, her hand shooting out to slap a six foot two man in the baseball cap across the face. 

“Keep your hands to yourself!” Harley snarled, glaring up at the man. 

The man laughed looking at his friend. “Aw come on beautiful, it was just a love tap.” 

Ivy saw Harley going for her knife that she had stuck down the back of her shorts. 

“Harls…” Ivy said sternly. “Don’t ruin our night.” 

Harley made a sour face wrinkling her nose and dropping her hand to her side. “Fine.” 

The man in the cap grinned. “Hey, you two ladies together? Wanna join us?” The man waggled his eyebrows suggestively. “It’ll be fun.” 

Ivy sighed walking closer and laid a hand on the man’s chest. She smiled, he smiled back, and she blew in his face. Only Harley saw the hint of something pale pink in the air around the man that indicated Ivy was using her “pollen” on the man. 

Ivy whispered. “You feel like going for a swim. Why don’t you take a walk to the Reservoir and go for that swim.” 

The man frowned, looking slightly confused. “A swim,” he said in a wooden tone. 

He turned around and started to walk away. His friends gave chase yelling at him to come back. 

Harley laughed watching the man wander off. “You’re funny Red.” 

Ivy shrugged with a smirk on her lips. “Come on, let’s get close to the stage so we have a better view of this band.” 

* 

Bruce Wayne stood on the stage with the mayor looking out on the gathered crowd. He had tried his best to get out of this little performance tonight, but sometimes he had to put on the mask of Bruce Wayne, whether he wanted to or not. 

He tried not to fidget as he looked out on the crowd. Something felt off tonight. He wasn’t sure what was bothering him, but there was something in the air that made the hairs on the back of his neck rise up. He gazed out at the people gathered for the opening ceremonies. It was a typical group for the festival; teenagers, young adults, the young at heart, magazine reporters, online personalities, artists, hippies, couples on dates, nothing and no one unusual. 

Bruce sighed. Maybe he was just jumpy because he would rather be out on the rooftops than here. He glanced over at his date, Marion Seydoux, an popular actress nearly ten years his junior. They weren’t anything serious, but the press loved them. He smiled watching her as she spoke to the mayor. Marion was wearing a slinky short white dress that shimmered in the stage light with a plunging neckline, her light brown hair up in a fashionable bun. She was definitely sexy in that thin, high fashion model sort of way. 

He glanced back out at the crowd when movement caught his eye. He saw two young women, one blonde, the other a red-head pushing their way to the front. He couldn’t really see their faces well because of the stage lights, but there was something about them that triggered a reaction in him. He was sure he knew them. Maybe it was something about the way they moved, he couldn’t be sure, but he felt goosebumps on his skin. Bruce frowned, thinking about getting closer to the stage when suddenly the mayor walked over to the mike. 

“HELLO GOTHAM!!! Mayor Krol smiled as he looked out at the crowd who cheered back at him. 

“Welcome to the 16th annual Gotham River to River celebration where we highlight some of the best new and upcoming artists in Gotham and from around the world!” 

The crowd cheered crazily. Mayor Krol loved events like these, free to the public. They were good for his re-election, but they were also good for Gotham’s morale. Living in Gotham wasn’t easy and fun events like this made those bad times seem worth it; plus everyone loved good music, good food, and getting to mingle with some of Gotham’s local celebrities like Bruce Wayne. 

Krol turned and threw his arm out toward Mr. Wayne. “And to get things started, I’m going to turn the mic over to Mr…” 

But that was when the PA system made a god awful noise with some high-pitched feedback as someone took over the system. 

“GOTHAM!!! TONIGHT IS A VERY SPECIAL NIGHT!!” 

* 

Bruce Wayne tensed...he knew that voice… 

* 

Harley gasped looking over at Ivy. “It’s Mistah J!” 

Ivy couldn’t contain her giggle at the expression on Harley’s face. 

* 

The lights cut out, but within a moment were brought back on. What everyone could see made many people in the crowd scream. 

On stage, the mayor was tied up and gagged on his knees next to Frost, who stood on the left side of the stage, his gun out and held in a relaxed posture. Bruce Wayne (sporting a quickly darkening bruise on his forehead), was tied and gagged on his knees along with his date for the night next to Bob (who was wearing a tutu outfit that was half red, half black with black angel wings on his back, and if Bruce wasn’t wrong, it looked like the big man held a gun and a red feathered wand) on the right side of the stage. 

Joker smiled brightly, his lips a deep red against his white teeth as he grabbed the mic. The clown was dressed in a white, three-piece suit with a white dress shirt, a black tie sporting a gold tie pin, a black vest with purple and gold filigree design that the stagelight caught which gave Joker the illusion of glittering, and a large purple rose in his lapel. His shoes were white oxfords with a deep purple almost black trim and lastly, to finish off his outfit, the clown wore a white, broad brimmed hat. 

Joker grinned, pulling the mic free from its stand before throwing an arm out to encompass the crowd. “Helloooo Gotham!” 

He grinned looking out over the audience which hadn’t moved yet, clearly not sure what was going on. A low rumble moved through the crowd like a wave, whispered voices, confusion mixed with fear as people tried to figure out what was going on. It was clear people weren’t sure if this was real or part of the show. Since no one rushed to get away (armed men aside), it was clear most of the crowd were assuming this was some sort of prank. 

Joker started to stroll across the stage, eating up the platform with his long legs, clearly in his element. He smiled at the audience, gesturing grandly with his free arm while he held the mic to his lips. 

“Now, I’m sure you are asking yourself, what is going on? Why is the Joker here? How did we all get so damn lucky? Well...Oh now…” A few people had turned, clearly deciding this might not be a prank, only to find themselves facing armed men. It was now that the crowd was realizing that they were blocked in by several men in a variety of strange costumes, from Easter bunnies, to sports mascots. One armed person wore a large eyeball mask and another stood in a full panda costume, but regardless of their costumes and outfits, they were all holding guns. 

Joker smiled motioning at the crowd. “Now, please, please. Everyone calm down.” 

Joker strolled along the stage, stopping near an angry looking Bruce Wayne. Joker dropped into a crouch and patted Wayne’s cheek. “Goodness Brucie, that expression? Lighten up dearie, this is going to be fun.” 

Joker got to his feet again (ignoring Bruce Wayne’s death stare) to turn a brilliant smile on the captive crowd. “Now, I’m here tonight because I need witnesses for what I’m about to do, so behave yourselves and pay attention.” Joker’s smile was filled with delight. “You are all about to be so damn lucky!! I almost wish I could be one of you getting to witness this!” He chuckled. “Oh, if any of you are filming this, and I encourage all of you to do so, let me get your information then you can send me the video!!” Joker grinned with delight doing a little spin as he continued. “You are all going to witness the greatest event Gotham as ever SEEN! Maybe even the world!” 

He jumped around the stage in delight. 

Joker stopped, the lights grew dim. He gave a devilish smile followed by a waggle of his green eyebrows before he threw his hand up over his head. That signaled an explosion of glittering confetti to rain down on the crowd followed by a mob of people who came rushing out onto the stage. Each member of this new group was dressed in full-body playing card outfits. The cards were in red, black, purple, or green. The group of cards all lined up in two rows behind Joker, the colors on their costumed glittered under the stage lights as they all went still, waiting for their orders. Joker walked to the very center of the stage; a spot light clicked on, glowing down straight on the clown. His pale skin glowed in the light, his perfect white teeth shone, one green curl of hair danced along his forehead and his blue eyes were bright with pleasure and mischief. All eyes were on the Clown Prince of Crime as he stood alone in front of the lines of card smiling at his captive audience. 

He held the microphone to his lips, waiting. The suspense in the air was palpable as everyone waited to see what he would do. 

* 

Down below, Harley and Ivy had managed to get to the front of the crowd (since now no one was all that keen to be that close to the stage.) Harley grabbed the makeshift metal fence that divided the gathered concert goers from the stage, gazed up at her puddin, her mouth slightly open in shock. 

Ivy glanced at her friend and saw Harley’s eyes were as big as saucers. Ivy pressed her lips together on a chuckle as Harley said in a stunned whisper. “Those are our colors! He has the cards in our colors.” 

Ivy’s brow furrowed as she felt a little confused about what Joker was planning, but she smiled. “You’re right honey, they are.” 

Harley, still not looking at Ivy whispered again. “He looks so good...Mistah J looks like a dream…” 

Ivy wrinkled her nose on that one, but she had to admit, he had made himself look...decent for Harley. “He looks all right I suppose--for a clown.” 

Harley’s voice was awed. “He looks beautiful…” 

Ivy shook her head, but said nothing. (She did release a subtle bit of pollen into the air to calm everyone watching. No point in ruining Harley’s proposal by having hundreds of scared and angry people suddenly decide that they could overwhelm the armed freaks in Joker’s gang.) 

* 

Joker took his hat off, tossing it behind him. The hat sailed through the air only to be caught out of the air by Bob. 

Music began to play over the sound system, Joker smiled holding the microphone to his lips, his eyes roaming over his captive audience. Bruce Wayne blinked in confusion while at the same time he carefully struggled to loosen the bindings on his wrists. (Though each time he moved Bob would simply lay a hand on his shoulder, stopping him. Batman actually liked Bob. The big man was sweet and seemed guileless and innocent, but no matter how many times Batman had talked to Bob, trying to convince him to stay away from Joker and Harley Quinn, Bob always ended up back with those two clowns.) 

Bruce stopped fidgeting with his bindings, but this time it wasn’t because of the hand Bob laid on his shoulder, it was because the Joker had begun to sing, not one of his usual little nettling rhythms he sang to get under Batman’s skin. No, the Joker really sang and Bruce found himself surprised at just how good the clown sounded as a singer. 

Joker’s voice was a smooth, mellow sound that felt like the warm, soothing caress of fingers down one’s neck, or the sensual stroke of knuckles along one’s cheek. 

“Wish I may, wish I might 

Find my one true love tonight 

Do you think that he could be you? 

If I pray really tight…” 

Joker’s eyes searched the front of the crowd as he sang, looking for Harley. When he saw her, his heart did a happy flip. Behind him, the cards began to dance, but not just dance. Each person dressed in a card costume had Roman candles strapped to them--four in all for each person--one attached to each limb. So as the cards danced, flinging their arms and legs out in some strange dance, they were also shooting off sparks of fire, lighting up the stage behind Joker with fireworks. 

Joker, his face all smiles, walked to the end of the stage and focused his song at Harley. 

“I know that what I do isn't right 

I can't stop what I love to do 

So I murder love in the night 

Watching them fall one by one they fight 

Do you think you'll love me too? 

Ooh, ooh, ooh 

Baby, I'm a sociopath 

Sweet serial killer…” 

* 

Harley pressed her fists into her chin, nearly vibrating with happiness, hopping from one foot to the other as Joker sang to her. Ivy was watching beside her, impressed with Joker’s vocal chops as the green-haired freak sang to Harley. 

Joker put a hand out to her and motioned for Harley to join him. Harley squealed looking over at Ivy who motioned at her to get on stage. Harley squealed again and easily leaped over the barrier and clambered onto the stage. Joker took her hand, pulling her up onto the center stage. Behind them, one of the cards had caught on fire. The man in the card outfit began to scream. The captive crowd watched in horror as the burning man dashed from one end of the stage to the other. (The other cards did nothing, continuing to dance their routine that the Joker had choreographed for them). Bruce and the mayor watched in stunned silenced as the screaming, burning man raced back and forth, his body now completely in flames. 

Joker frowned, turning toward the burning card as it dashed past. 

He snarled into the mic. “You’re ruining my moment Paulie!!” 

Joker pulled a gun from somewhere within his clothing and shot Paulie as the burning man began to dash by again. The gunshot rang out sharply and many of the audience members screamed. The bullet hit Paulie in the forehead, knocking the man to the stage where he continued to burn. Bruce’s protests were muffled cries behind his gag. The dressed up dancers (a few looking vaguely alarmed) continued to dance as the music played. 

Joker grinned and returned his attention to Harley. He took her hand, dropping to one knee as the flames of the burning corpse behind them cast a lovely glow across Harley’s features, Joker thought as he stared up into her gorgeous blue eyes while he sang to her. 

“I know that what I do isn't right 

I can't stop what I love to do 

So I murder love in the night 

Watching them fall one by one they fight 

Do you think you'll love me too? 

Ooh, ooh, ooh 

Baby, I'm a sociopath 

Sweet serial killer…” 

* 

Harley bit her bottom lip in excitement, blinking back tears while she stared down at Joker and her heart slammed hard inside chest. This was her dream, a grand proposal for all of Gotham to see and he was really doing it! This was it! This was it! Her puddin had come through for her with a surprise proposal!! She thought with building excitement, he’s gonna do it!! She bit down on her lips harder to stop herself from screaming with excitement. She had seriously thought he would find a way to wiggle out of it, or most likely, he would simply forget, but he hadn’t!! He really, really loved her and he hadn’t forgotten! 

Joker stopped singing. 

He smiled glancing out at the audience giving them an over the top wink before he turned his attention back to Harley. He held the microphone to his lips so that everyone could hear what he was about to say to his darling Harlequinn. 

“Harley Quinn, my sweet doctor, my partner in crime, my delightfully murderous sex kitten, my little minx, my pumpkin pie. I knew from the moment you walked into Arkham Asylum that you were something special, that you were the missing piece of my heart, my sidekick, the Gracie Allen to my George Burns, the Lucy to my Desi, the Ginger Rodgers to my Fred Astaire.” 

Harley giggled watching him. Her cheeks hurt from smiling so much, but she was just so happy… 

Joker continued. “You are what keeps my life funny Harley. So, would you consider burning Gotham down, stringing the Bat up, and destroying the hopes and dreams of Gotham by my side, as my wife?” 

Joker dropped her hand to reach into his coat pocket. He pulled out a black velvet ring case. He shoved the mic under his arm as he opened the ring case and held it up to Harley with one hand. (Bruce Wayne blinked in surprise. He had seen the clowns together, he knew they had some sort of twisted love for one another. They definitely lusted ater each other--he had seen that with his own eyes, one more than one occassion--but this...marriage was not something he had ever thought he would see the Joker consider…) 

Harley’s eyes widened when she saw the ring. It was the most beautiful ring she had ever seen in her entire life (and she had stolen a lot of rings.) 

Harley squealed and clapped her hands together. “YES!! YES!! YES I’LL MARRY YOU PUDDIN!!” 

(Bob started to cry behind Bruce. Across from them Bruce could see that even Jonny Frost had teared up. Bruce turned to look behind him where he saw Bob wiping tears from his eyes. Bruce’s eyes were watering too, though his were from the stinging smoke coming from the burning body and the smell of cooking hot dogs. Bruce sighed. This was all so wrong and...weird.) 

Joker grinned and pulled the ring from the box. He took Harley’s left hand and slid the ring onto her left ring finger. He stood up with a smile just in time for Harley to slam into him. He laughed catching her and holding her against him. He kissed her, lifting her off her feet, his smile pressed against her smile as they spun around slowly in front of the burning corpse of Paulie. 

(Despite the situation, several members of the captive audience began to applaud, this was followed by more, then a few more until nearly everyone in the audience was applauding. Bruce looked on with growing frustration and annoyance.) 

* 

Ivy clapped, smiling despite herself. She had to give the clown points; he had done a half-way descent proposal. She was even surprised that the audience was clapping, she hadn’t done anything to encourage that applause, the audience was doing that themselves. She smiled with a small shake of her head. She supposed everyone like a good marriage proposal. 

* 

Harley wrapped her arms around Joker, her hands going into his hair where she grabbed a handfuls while pressing her mouth to his in a burning hot kiss that Joker felt in the soles of his feet. Harley hopped up and wrapped her legs around his waist, kissing him, biting at his lips and made him purr in a way that made Harley want to drive him right now to the stage and rip his clothing off. 

After a few more tense seconds of their kissing, Joker pulled away from her mouth with a happy gasp. Bringing the mic up, he glanced at the audience. “She said yes, in case you missed it.” 

Bruce frowned as the realization sunk in. 

If the Joker and Harley were getting married, what did that mean for Gotham?


	2. Best Men and Bridesmaids

“Tonight the talk throughout Gotham is about one thing and one thing only: The Joker’s marriage proposal to Harley Quinn!” The young brunette woman, wearing a tight black skirt and white blouse, who sat on a couch, her legs crossed and wearing a pair of sharp black heels, and facing the cameras was named Susan Seaver. She hosted her own entertainment and lifestyle television program in Gotham that aired weeknights at six p.m. The show was only local at the moment, but she had plans; Oprah Winfrey started with her own local show, then so could she, Susan Seaver, and with a story like the Joker getting married...well, someone was going to notice her. 

Susan smiled. “No one has ever seen a proposal like this…” 

She gestured behind her to a screen which popped to life and began to play a cellphone recording of the Joker on stage singing with a tied up mayor, Bruce Wayne, and the billionaire’s date all being held on stage. The person filming did a pretty good job keeping the camera focused on Joker who pranced across the stage, singing his heart out. Susan had smiled in surprise when she had first watched the recording before the show, and she felt a smile pull at her lips again; the clown had a really great voice. The image (cut by her people behind the cameras to edit out the footage of Joker shooting one of his own men while the man was on fire) jumped to Harley Quinn stepping up on stage, the burning body (thank goodness) wasn’t visible as the person filmed the Joker and Harley on stage with Harley accepting the Joker’s engagement ring. Her people had been able to focus on the ring and the artists on stage drew up a mock computer image of the ring. It was gorgeous, Susan had to admit. She would have never pegged the Joker as a romantic, but she supposed everyone had their soulmate, even a psychotic clown. 

The cameras focused back on Susan. “So, what does a wedding for the two most notorious serial killers involve? Well, we have two special guests with us tonight, Dr. Jeremiah Arkham and Dr. Penelope Young, both whom have worked with Joker in the past, as well as being ex-colleagues of Harley Quinn when she was still Dr. Harleen Quinzel.” 

Susan turned toward the two seated and clearly uncomfortable doctors. “So--Dr. Arkham, Dr. Young, what do you think the Joker and Harley Quinn’s next move will be…” 

* 

Dick was sitting on the couch, his arm casually around Barbara’s shoulders. Tim was sitting on the floor with pieces of tech all around him while the young man used a screwdriver, along with several other tools, while he worked on some gadget he was developing. Bruce sat at his desk, his fingers flying across his computer. 

Dick shook his head. “The Joker actually asked Harley to marry him. I’m shocked.” 

Barbara glanced sideways at Dick. “I'm surprised he asked her before you asked me.” 

Dick turned a shade paler and opened his mouth just as Alfred came in carrying a tray of tea and biscuits. “I do find it rather strange that the Joker was willing to marry Miss Quinn. I never quite saw the mad clown as...human enough for such emotion.” 

Bruce grunted. “He probably agreed because of the performance aspect in a wedding.” 

Tim looked up with a frown. “I think that might be part of it, but he and Harley have been together for a while.” He shrugged. “They may be crazy, but anyone can see they love each other. I’ve seen it, the way they act toward each other. They’re in love.” 

Bruce grumbled. “I don’t think that madman is capable of love.” 

Alfred glanced at Tim before he answered. “Sir, anyone is capable of love. Even a mad clown.” 

Everyone quietly turned to look over at Bruce, who was staring at Alfred while an uncomfortable silence fell. Barbara and Dick exchanged a look, Tim frowned, but Alfred looked calm and serene. 

Bruce finally answered with a grunt and returned to whatever it was he was doing on his computer. 

Alfred smiled and turned back to the young people in the room. “Tea anyone? Biscuits?” 

Tim hopped up. “Please say they’re the ones with the cranberries!” 

Alfred smiled. “They are the ones with the cranberries Master Drake.” 

Tim laughed. “I love you.” 

Alfred smiled with a small nod. “I know sir.” 

* 

Two nights later Joker and Harley had settled on a wedding date after a great deal of yelling and arguing, until they both realized that they had in fact wanted the same thing, to get married right away. Which meant everything they needed for their fabulous wedding would need to be done in a matter of days. 

Early that evening, Joker gazed at himself in the mirror. He adjusted his green tie, ran his hands lightly over his slicked back green hair before he turned around to look at Harley who was sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning back on her elbows. Her face was painted white while the black lipstick painted across her lips stood in stark contrast to her pale features. Her cute little harlequin hat on, hiding her golden hair, her legs spread with her heels resting on the floor wearing her traditional harlequin outfit, which he noted was very distracting. The way the fabric hugged her figure made his groin tighten and his lips itch to spread her legs further, or better yet, put them on his shoulders... 

He shook himself and took a deep breath through his nose. Later, he promised himself, later he was going to do some deep sea diving with his tongue, but right now he had important business to take care of: namely, asking Batman to be his best man, probably the most important part of the wedding besides the part about saying, “I do!” 

“So, how do I look Harls?” He put his arms out and did a little twirl. The tails of his coat picked up a little with the spin. 

Harley raked her eyes over him, biting the corner of her lip with a hungry expression. “Good enough to eat puddin.” She purred, her eyes taking in every detail when he stopped moving to stand in front of her. “I always like your purple suit with that snug fitting orange vest. I like the way it shows off your waist and your chest.” She sucked on her bottom lip, giving him a heated, seductive look. 

Joker grinned at her, then pointed a finger. “Now stop that.” 

Harley gave him her best innocent smile. “Stop what?” 

“You know what--that look.” He motioned at her with his finger. “And stop sitting that way.” 

Harley smiled then licked her lips, spreading her legs wider while she leaned on one elbow and ran the tip of her finger along her bottom lip, then traced the tip of her finger down her chin to spread her fingers as her hand traveled down her chest. 

“Sitting what way puddin?” Harley batted her eyelashes at him. 

Joker groaned with little whine, turning around to put his back to her. “Stop!!” 

Harley giggled and hopped to her feet. “Okay fine, but later…” She growled to give the statement emphasis. 

She skipped over and wrapped her arms around his shoulders from behind and kissed his ear. Joker smiled reaching up to lay his hands tenderly over her arms. “Pumpkin, what if he says no?” 

Harley danced around to face him. “Oh puddin, you know he is going to say no because Batbutt is a jerk. Just ask Frost if Batman says no.” 

Joker sighed. “You’re right pumpkin, Batman is a jerk. I’m about to give him a great honor and he’s probably going to throw it in my face just because I’ve killed a few hundred people.” 

“A few thousand,” Harley corrected him. 

Joker frowned lifting a quizzical brow at her. “Really?” 

Harley nodded. “Yep, really.” 

Joker grinned. “Oh-ho, I’m better than I thought.” 

The two of them laughed as they headed to the door. “Well, let’s go ask him first. Then if he says no Frost will make a good second.” Joker nodded as he held the door open for Harley who bounced through like she had springs in her feet. 

* 

Joker and Harley arrived on the top of the Gotham City police station climbing up the fire escape with Frost and Bob in tow. Not one cop saw them, not one pedestrian who did see them felt the need to report that Joker and Harley were climbing up the side of the police station with a big bald man in a neon green tutu carrying a large backpack, the seams of which looked to be about to split it was so full of supplies. Joker wasn’t sure if it was the typical Gotham apathy or that they were just that lucky, but they made it to the roof of the police station without incident. 

When they arrived on the roof of the building, Joker made a gasp of pleasure when he saw the Batsignal. 

He clapped his hands for a moment staring at the large spotlight. “Look Harley!! There it is!” 

Harley hopped onto the roof behind him before walking to stand beside him. “Yep, there it is puddin.” 

The large spotlight sat looking like a quiet sentinel, ready to light the night sky when danger was afoot in the dark city of Gotham. The light somehow looked menacing as it sat in the shadows just waiting to be turned on. It was a thing of legend, even if it was only a large searchlight with a bat silhouette on the lens. 

Joker sighed as his initial excitement wore off. He frowned, leaning down and dusted the legs of his slacks off. He stood up straight and looked around with a slight frown. He could see pigeon droppings on the sides of the lens, some scattered leaf litter, a forgotten coffee cup on the edge, the remains of several cigarettes, and miscellaneous trash in the corners of the roof. 

“Well, this was far easier to get to than I thought it would be. And far dirtier.” Joker wrinkled his nose in disgust. “Talk about ruining my childhood delusions. You would think our Gotham police force would be more alert, have more pride or at least Batsy would make them clean the darn thing up... ” He wrinkled his nose at the state of the roof and the signal light. “I really thought this spot would be more impressive.” 

He frowned and walked over to the large bat signal. Joker walked in a full circle around the device inspecting it while rubbing his chin with Harley following behind him, her hands behind her back as she skipped. Bob walked over beside the light and set his bag down. The big man crouched and began to pull supplies out of the depths of the bag. Harley spun around to watch Bob for a moment as he pulled out glue, poster board and scissor. She shrugged her shoulders and spun back around, her pom poms bobbing as she hurried to catch up with the Joker. 

Joker stopped and examined the giant lens before he looked over at Harley. Harley had jogged over to the edge and hopped onto the ledge of the roof. He turned fully around to watch her drop onto her hands, dangerously close to the edge as she did a handstand. 

Joker’s lips curved into a broad smile as his eyes raked over her slender, shapely form, admiring her sexiness and skill, but he also liked seeing how flexible and strong she was. Everything about his girl made him happy, which was why he was marrying her. Joker bounced on his toes at the thought that by putting a ring on Harley’s finger he was not just marrying her, but announcing to the world that he and Harley belonged together, through thick and thin, through everything, Harley was his girl he was her clown. The thought gave him a warm, pleasant feeling in his chest. It scared him a little, and he did worry about the henchmen losing respect for him if he let himself be all...goofy over Harley, but that was what a gun was for. 

“You know Harls, it's not nearly as impressive as I thought it would be,” Joker called over to her, disappointment evident in his tone. 

Harley walked on her hands, turning around to face the Joker. “I’m sorry puddin. I guess it is just a big ole searchlight. I thought it might be more impressive too.” She tilted her head to the side gazing at the light behind the Joker. “Though I guess we shouldn’t be surprised, it is the Gotham Police department after all. I’m sure they just stand on the roof with flashlights and make shadow puppet bats to call Batman.” 

Joker had started to sigh, but his sigh turned into a laugh at Harley. “You’re right Harley. Though I would love to see that! The whole department up here making shadow puppets!!” 

He continued to chuckle as he turned to Bob while Frost took his weapon out and started to walk the perimeter, keeping an eye on the police below moving in and out of the police station. Frost walked past the upside down Harley who grinned. “Hey Frost, you have my bubblegum?” 

Frost stopped. “Sure do, Miss Quinn.” 

He put his gun away in the holster before pulling his jacket open to pull a package of pink gum out of his pocket. He removed a piece, unwrapping it and dropping down to slide the gum into Harley’s mouth, which she had open waiting for the gum. 

She chewed with a grin. “Thanks Frosty.” 

“No problem Miss Quinn.” Frost took his gun out once more and continued to walk the perimeter. 

Harley started to chew, blowing bubbles happily as she did. 

“All right Bob, do your thing my love.” Joker stepped out of the way as Bob hurried over arranging his supplies on the roof next to the signal. “Get the Bat here for me.” 

Joker grinned and turned to Harley. “Come along sweets, we have a trap to set!” 

Harley pushed herself off the ledge to land on her feet with a big grin. “Sure thing puddin!!” 

* 

Batman was working solo tonight. Tim had a big exam that he needed to study for and Dick was back in Bludhaven tonight with Barbara. He smiled to himself; he liked working alone sometimes. It allowed him to clear his mind, get back to his roots and focus more. Having Tim by his side was nice. He loved the kid like his own son, just like he loved Dick, but sometimes he found himself divided, worrying about the boy--even though he knew he didn’t need to--instead of keeping his complete focus on his work. That was the problem with being a father-figure--with letting people in, you started to care about them. But nights like this were a nice change of pace. He could completely focus on his mission without worrying about anything other than the task of crime fighting. Batman had just landed on top of the Old Gotham clocktower when he saw a flash of light from the corner of his eye. He turned to look up into the sky, expecting to see the shape of a bat, but instead he saw words on the clouds that streaked across the Gotham night sky instead of the shadowy symbol of a bat. The words filled the night air. 

“BE MY BEST MAN BATSY!” 

The words also had shadow hearts all around the words. 

Batman snarled, his eyes narrowing. “Joker.” 

* 

Joker paced back and forth, stopping every few seconds to check the shadows for Batman, and periodically stopping to adjust his tie or remove and put his gloves on again. 

He groaned throwing his arms into the air in frustration. “What is taking that boob so long? I dressed up and everything and he isn’t even here to appreciate it!!” He turned toward Harley. “Why am I even doing this? He never appreciates anything.” 

Harley was in the process of doing a few back flips and cartwheels while blowing and popping bubbles. “He’s probably trying to check for traps puddin. Waiting for the right moment to scare us. You know how he loves to pop out of shadows so everyone thinks he is some sort of creature of the night.” Harley sprang to her feet. “That man needs a new hobby or a good fuck or both.” 

Joker snorted. “Harley!” 

Harley giggled. “It’s true puddin!! He’s wound too tight. Catwoman just needs to bang his brains out, then he would loosen up and be more fun.” She popped a bubble. “That’s my professional opinion.” 

Joker chuckled at Harley, holding his arms out for her. “Come here sweets--I’m bored and need kisses.” 

Harley squealed with delight and raced over to slam into Joker; she knocked the air from his lungs. He let out a grunt, laughed, and wrapped his arms around her pulling her up against him, his hands sliding down to cup her rear as he grinned down at her, his blue eyes dancing. “Kiss me.” 

Harley purred hopping up to wrap her legs around his waist. “Whatever you want puddin.” 

Joker leaned into her, squeezing her rear as he held her, his kiss was warm and sweet, his lips and tongue moved over her mouth in a way that made Harley burn with delight. Harley ran a hand down his chest, her fingers pressing into his chest before gliding down to his stomach. Her finger slid down past the band of his slacks while the fingers of her other hand slid into his hair. Joker adjusted his hold on her, walking her over to ledge where he sat down, spreading his legs to hold her more firmly on his lap. He kissed her hungrily, his hands sliding up her back. 

Harley groaned, deepening her kiss, reaching up to cradle his face with both her hands, leaning into him, her tongue slowly exploring his mouth. She pressed against him like she wanted to seep into him, to be part of him. She purred softly, she couldn’t get enough of him and each time she thought about the fact that he was going to be her husband, that he was going to marry her, the thought made her want him more. She tugged on his lower lip with her teeth, pulling back slowly before releasing his lip. 

“Wanna have a quicky puddin?” Harley purred. The blue shade of her eyes was a sensual glow through her lashes. 

Joker growled in the back of his throat, his hands giving her rear a good squeeze. He opened his mouth to respond when they both heard the menacing, deep voice of Batman. “Joker, Harley…” 

But before Batman could say more, or move to another step, Bob came rushing up behind the Bat and wrapped his arms around the caped crusader, pinning Batman’s arms to his side. Batman hissed in surprise. He had staked out the rooftop for the last few minutes, he had seen the Joker and Harley, even the dark shadow of Frost as the man tried to act as look out. Batman knew Frost was armed, and--despite how experienced Joker’s right hand man was--how to disarm the man, but he hadn’t seen Bob. And even if he had seen the big man, Batman never pegged Bob as violent. Occasionally Bob had shot at him, but not with any real venom or real effort to aim. Most of the time Bob acted as guard and keeper to the clowns when he was around, more concerned with getting the clowns away safely than with attacking Batman, but that had been a mistake on Batman’s part, underestimating the big, tutu wearing man. A mistake, if he got through this, Batman would not make again. 

Bob’s hold was firm, on the verge of painful, but the big man didn’t push it beyond that. Whenever Batman began to struggle, Bob’s hold would tighten. 

Batman cursed silently. 

Joker and Harley turned around to look over at Bob and Batman from their perch on the edge with Joker releasing Harley (nearly dumping her on her rear) to squeal with excitement and clapped his hands as he got to his feet. (Harley gave Batman a dirty look. That damn Bat always had the worst timing she thought). 

“You came!!” Joker gasped with delight. 

Batman snarled. “What do you want, Joker?” 

He gave a twist, but Bob was holding on tightly. Batman was surprised at the big man’s strength. Bob might be as strong as, maybe stronger than Bane without the venom. Batman made a note to himself to make an effort to learn more about Bob; the tutu wearing man was more of an enigma than the caped crusader had originally thought. He suspected there was more to Bob than simply being a caretaker to the clowns. 

Joker took Harley’s hand (which made Harley instantly forgive him about dumping her on her butt) and strolled over to Batman. 

Joker beamed at the caped vigilante, his smile wide, teeth bright. “Well I thought the signal was pretty self-explanatory. I want you to be my best man!” 

Batman hissed. “Why would I do that?” 

Joker took a step back in surprise, his free hand rising to his chest in shock. “Because you’re my best buddy! My bestest friend, the Abbott to my Costello! We’re like two peas in a pod! We’re two threads in the same stitch buddy!” Joker smiled and tilted his head. “Come on, you know you wanna be my best man.” 

Batman snarled. “I do not want to be your best man!” 

Joker stuck his bottom lip out. “You don’t?” 

“I would never be your best man,” Batman ground out, but then frowned when Joker looked genuinely upset. Batman frowned, blinked behind his mask. “You’re serious?” 

Joker turned to look at Harley with his hands up. “Why does he keep asking me that all the time?” 

Harley shook her head and rolled her eyes, then popped a bubble she had just blown. “Told you puddin, he needs a good fuck.” 

Batman snarled. “WHAT?” 

Joker laughed. “Oh my, I think Harls is right! She is a doctor and I can say in all honesty, a good hard screw, a knocking of boots, bumping the uglies...” He made a fist which he thrust back with vigor. “Really clears the mind and loosens the limbs.” Harley giggled and nodded while Joker continued. “Anyway, that aside--though you should have a real talk with Selina about that...fucking that is. You are definitely not my type. I mean, I'm sure you’re handsome enough under the mask there, but not nearly funny enough and you don’t have the curves to compete with Harley. Besides, as you know by now, I’m taken.” Joker grinned while Harley wiggled her fingers with the ring. “Now, back to the topic at hand, best man…” Joker continued. 

“I am not going to be your best man,” Batman said again. “The only way I would be your best man is if you drugged me and forced me to be there.” He regretted saying it as soon as he uttered the words; no sense giving the insane clown ideas. 

Joker blinked turning to Harley. “Well, that is just rude.” 

Harley nodded. “I don’t know puddin, I think you might have to pick someone else.” 

Joker sighed dramatically. “Fine, I’ll think about it, but if you change your mind, the wedding’s Saturday, though we haven’t picked a venue yet, have we Harls?” 

Harley shook her head and popped a bubble she had blown with her gum. “Nope, not yet.” 

Joker reached out and patted Batman on the cheek even though the caped crusader tried to yank his face away. His suit creaked as Bob readjusted his hold, giving the vigilante no opportunities to escape. “Well, if you change your mind, let me know. I’ll make sure you get an invitation.” 

Batman snarled. “Joker…” 

But before he could finish whatever it was he was going to say, Joker pulled out a small aerosol can and sprayed him in the face. The spray hit Batman, made him cough and made his eyes water. Within a few more seconds, the man was unconscious. 

Joker sighed. “Hmph, that was disappointing.” 

Harley skipped over and dropped down beside Batman’s unconscious form. She poked him in the cheek. “I don’t know why he has to be so dull all the time.” 

Joker dropped down beside her pulling out a tube of red lipstick from inside his jacket. “Well, I think we will just have to make sure he comes, maybe bring the Batfamily too…” 

Harley giggled, blowing a bubble while she watched Joker draw a smile on Batman’s face and mask. 

* 

On the way home, Joker and Harley lounged in the back of the car. He had his arm draped around her shoulders while Harley had her head on his shoulder. She kept one hand resting on his opposite thigh and slowly began to run her hand along his thigh, down to his knees, then slowly brought her hand back up, her thumb brushing against his groin. 

Joker jerked at the brush of her thumb against him. She repeated the gesture, a slow caress of his thigh followed by a stroke of her thumb against his groin. 

He hissed. Her touch felt good, but he whispered. “I think we should abstain, my sweets...until the wedding.” 

Harley blinked in complete surprise. “What?” She pushed herself up and turned to look at him. “Are you serious?” 

Joker smiled and nodded. “Yes, I wanna be pure on my wedding day.” He stuck his nose in the air. “I want to be pure on own wedding night like a real virgin bride.” 

Harley’s brow furrowed and her bottom lip came out. “What are you even talking about? I’m the bride and I wanna be fucked silly. Right now.” She folded her arms over her chest and glared back at him. 

Joker folded his arms across his chest and stuck his chin out. “I’m serious. No sex until after the wedding. I’m a born again virgin.” 

Harley narrowed her eyes at him. “Fine…” she said, but with an added whisper: “Challenge accepted.” 

Harley scooted to the other side of the car with a frown, her eyes narrowed. She pursed her lips in thought, trying to think what she could do to get her way… 

“Puddin? Can I see your knife?” Harley asked, her voice light and innocent. 

Joker frowned, automatically reaching to his side where he carried a bowie knife. He unhooked the blade with the ease of long use and handed it to her before he thought to ask her. “Why?” Harley giggled. 

(Up front Frost frowned. Something was going on back there. It sounded like they were sort of arguing, and then Frost saw Miss Quinn move away from Joker. Maybe they were fighting...Great, right before they had decided to get married. He glanced at Bob, but Bob was flipping through some magazines he had in his messenger bag. As Frost frowned, he saw that Bob was looking through a wedding magazine). 

Joker turned to look at her with narrowed eyes. “Harley…” His voice was only slightly threatening. 

Harley giggled again as she pulled off her head piece and dropped it to the floor. 

Joker frowned. “Harley, what are you doing?” 

Harley pressed her teeth against her black painted lips while she slowly dragged the knife down between her breasts. 

“I ain’t doing nothin’ puddin,” she purred softly while giving him a heated look. “I ain’t doing nothing at all.” She blew a bubble and popped it at the same time she used the very sharp tip of his knife to catch the fabric of her outfit. She caught the fabric and slowly pulled the blade down. The knife, which she knew her puddin always kept sharp, glided down, sliding through the material of her harlequin catsuit like a hot knife through butter. 

Joker had gone quiet and still watching as the black and red fabric parted, showing smooth, creamy skin underneath. His breathing deepened, became a little more rapid, and his blue eyes raked over her as heat slammed into his groin. He licked his lips, slowly taking a deep breath, his eyes never leaving her. 

“You witch,” Joker said with no heat behind his words while his eyes wandered down, following the trail of the knife like a cat following the red dot of a pen light, eager and hungry. 

Harley giggled continued dragging the knife all the way down to her groin. She then took the knife, flipping it around in her grip with nimble fingers and cut along her left arm, then her right, the fabric parting easily. She glanced up to make sure he was still watching as she kicked off her boots before dragging the knife down to cut along the fabric on her legs. Joker’s gaze never wavered; his blue eyes were tense as he watched the trail of the knife. 

Harley giggled softly. Yes, she was ruining one of her outfits, but it was so going to be worth it when she won and got what she wanted. She liked getting what she wanted and right now, she wanted Joker, grinding into her. 

(Frost glanced in the back once when he heard the sound of tearing clothing only to catch a glimpse of a naked Harley Quinn. His eyes widened and shot right back to the front. Crap, he thought to himself. He had considered buying a divide to put in between the front and back seat of the car, but Joker had thought it a terrible idea since that meant they couldn’t talk, or help shoot out the window.) 

Harley ran the tip of her tongue along the bottom of her teeth as she laid back, her clothing fallen away completely to leave her naked. She dragged his knife down her torso, the cool blade sliding between her breasts then across the softness of her exposed belly. 

Joker watched the trail of his knife along her tender flesh. He had dropped his hands to his thighs and his hands rolled into fists as he fought the urge to grab her. He was not going to succumb, he told himself… 

Harley used his knife while blowing a bubble, pressing it against her inner thigh and slowly pressed her leg back, spreading her legs for him. She smirked, watching as Joker’s fists tightened; the leather gloves creaked. Harley laid the knife down on the seat between them before she laid back again against the door. She reached up and cupped her right breast, squeezing before she stroked her thumb across her nipple. She smiled when she heard the quick intake of Joker’s breath. Harley dropped her head back against the window, grasping her left breast too and stroked her thumbs across her nipples with a hiss. She slowly stroked her nipples, circling her thumbs and sending jolts of heat through her body. 

Joker shifted in his seat, his slacks growing uncomfortable as his body rebelliously reacted to Harley. 

She continued to stroke her left breast, twisting her body a little as she adjusted her position. She caressed her stomach, then dragged her fingers along the tender flesh of her inner thigh, squeezing. Her breath came faster as she flicked her thumb across her left nipple. She teased herself with her thumb while her fingers slipped between her legs. 

Joker hissed, his eyes wide watching her while Harley stroked her fingers over herself, sliding up and down, slowly making his mouth water and his groin ache. He shifted again, his eyes glued to her, darting between watching her pinch and stroke her pink nipple to her fingers sliding against her clitoris. He wanted her so much that it was beginning to hurt. 

Harley gasped, followed by a moan as she stroked her fingers against herself, her legs tightening, her breath ragged. She arched her back as the tension in her body built faster and faster until the moment she climaxed with a cry. 

Joker had reached out and grabbed the back of Frost’s seat while he watched Harley pleasure herself, his fingers digging into the leather of the seats. Harley cried out just as Frost pulled up in front of the hideout. The moment the engine stopped, Joker snarled and dived for Harley. She let out a startled squeak when Joker suddenly landed on her and yanked her against him. He sat back pulling her with him at the same time he kissed her. He kissed her with a deep, burning passion, his mouth hungrily moved over hers, his tongue thrusting into her mouth at the same time that his hands pressed her against him. With his free hand he reached for the door, nearly dumping them both onto the sidewalk. 

(Frost stayed seated in the car with his eyes closed while Bob continued to flip through his magazine as if he were blissfully unaware of what was going on around them.) 

Joker didn’t let go of her as he moved quickly, getting out of the car while Harley giggled and wrapped herself around him. Joker kept kissing her as he blindly charged into the hideout. The few gang members that were in the downstairs area all jumped when the door to the hideout was slammed open, but when they saw the Joker carrying a completely naked Harley they scattered like cockroaches in danger of being squished. 

Joker stumbled for the stairs, reaching out blindly with one hand to find the railing before he quickly took the stairs two at a time. Once at the top he kicked the door open and stumbled into their private area. Joker found his way to the bedroom without turning on a light. He didn’t stop kissing Harley until he was in the bedroom where he unceremoniously grabbed her, yanked her off of him, and threw her onto the bed. 

Harley let out a squeal and yelp when she hit the mattress. 

“OW!! HEY!!” She yelled, glaring at him. 

Joker was quickly working to rip off his clothing. He threw off his jacket, his fingers moving rapidly over his vest, followed by him yanking at his tie while he stared at her, his gaze heated, the need in his expression clear. 

“You are an evil woman Harley Quinn, evil to the core. That’s why I have to marry you.” Joker snarled, ripping off his shirt and vest while at the same time kicking off his shoes. He shoved his slacks and boxers down finally freeing himself from their confines. “So I can make an honest evil woman out of you...and to make sure you are always mine.” Joker stalked to the edge of the bed where Harley lay with a delightfully wicked expression on her face. He grabbed her legs and yanked her to the edge of the bed. He spread her legs wide and thrust into her, burying himself deep. Harley cried out and arched, lifting her back off the bed, her eyes rolling back with the pleasure of having him inside her--just like she wanted. 

Joker grabbed her hips, holding her in a firm grip as he thrust into her with a growl. He arched his back to push himself as deep as possible into her, letting that deep, wet warmth cascade over him, through him. He clenched his jaw, feeling that deep satisfaction of feeling Harley around him. He grabbed one of her legs and lifted it to his shoulder, grabbing the ankle of her right leg. He thrust hard and fast, giving himself over to the pleasure of slamming into her and enjoyed the yelps and groans of delight that she let out. 

Harley gasped, arching her body, throwing her arms over her head and grasping at the blankets. “Uuh, puddin, yes! Harder!!” she pleaded with him as each thrust sent tremors through her body. 

Joker grunted, holding her leg out wide, his fingers pressing into her ankle, his other hand wrapped around the knee of her leg on his shoulder. He thrust hard and fast, his eyes rolling slightly. She felt so good, so wet yet so tight, and so his..he groaned loudly jerking with pleasure when Harley cried out, her entire body tightening around him when her orgasm rolled from her to him in a hard tightening of her body around his erection followed by a flood of liquid around him. He hissed and pulled out of her. 

Harley whimpered. “Puddin!” 

He grinned at her and flipped her over onto her stomach. Harley yelped and giggled as he once more yanked her to the end of the bed with a hissed demand. “Get on your knees, pumpkin.” 

Harley did as Joker instructed, pushed herself up on her hands and knees. She glanced over her shoulder at him with a smile; her black lipstick was smeared across her face, the white makeup on her face smudged, making her look even sexier he thought. 

Harley felt as if her body was on overload. Looking at her Joker, naked and standing behind her, his green hair now a mess, his lipstick smeared across his cheek, the feel of his hands grasping her hips...she was on fire with desire. When he grabbed her hips and pulled her to the very edge of the bed, stepping between her legs and thrust into her grinning, Harley’s orgasm was instant. She gave a loud cry, arching her back and jerking with pleasure. She moved one of her hands over and jammed her knuckle into her mouth as the intensity of her orgasm felt like it was too much, as if she just couldn’t take any more, but wanted more all the same. 

Joker groaned loudly with delight at the wet sound of their bodies coming together. He gazed at her, caressing the soft satin skin of her hips, following the line of her back, her blonde hair a tangled mess. The smell of her skin, the feel of her, the sound of her pleasure was like an erotic toxin, fueling his own pleasure at being with her. When Harley arched, her fingers digging into the blankets, he slammed into her, burying himself deep and held her against him as trembles and quakes rippled through him. 

“Uh puddin!” Harley moaned, dropping down to her elbows, her forehead pressed against the bed. She thrust back against him, encouraging him to fuck her harder, faster. She wanted him, even when he was buried in her she wanted more--her need for him was endless. 

Harley groaned. “I love you!! Oh...puddin, I love you…” 

Joker held onto her hips as if he needed her to stay upright while he thrust into her, hard, quick thrusts that caused bursts of heated pleasure to roll over him. He groaned, stroking a hand along her back feeling the graceful arch of her spine as she cried out and threw her head back as another orgasm rippled through her. This time, feeling her, listening to her, and watching Harley, he simply couldn’t stop himself. He grabbed her hips and thrust harder and faster, giving himself over to the sensation of her orgasm, letting the feeling flow into him and drive his own orgasm forward. 

He hissed. “I love you Harls...my Harley…” 

He took a deep breath and swallowed, arching his back as tension, the building tension of his impending orgasm took his breath. “Harley…” he hissed again. 

In the next moment Joker cried out, his grip on her hips painful as he yanked her back against him, arching himself into her as he climaxed. His body tightened almost painfully, but in the next second it was as if every part of him was made of jelly. He couldn’t hold himself up any longer. Harley had slid down going flat against the bed, and Joker flopped on top of her, both of them breathing heavily. 

After a long moment to recover, Joker nuzzled her, kissing her shoulder, nibbling at her until Harley giggled. 

“You are a horrible woman,” Joker growled between kisses. “I wanted to be a pure and virginal for our wedding and you just ruined it.” He teased nibbling at her. 

Harley giggled and wiggled pleasantly under him. “You’re so silly,” she said with a laugh. “Besides, I always get what I want.” 

Joker sighed and pulled out of her--slow and deliberate, eliciting a groan from Harley--to fall onto his back on the bed, his arms spread out wide. Harley scooted closer and snuggled against his side, laying her head against his shoulder. Joker grinned rolling his head to the side to look at her. 

“I love you, you horrible woman.” He grinned and chewed the gum he had taken from Harley’s mouth at some point during their love making and blew a large pink bubble. 

Harley giggled and rubbed the tip of her nose against his playfully. “I love you too puddin.” 

He sighed with a smile blowing another bubble and popping it. “I guess it's a good thing I’m marrying you. No one else would have you since you’re so awful.” 

Harley smacked his chest playfully. “Oh, like you’re such a prize.” 

“I am!” Joker laughed. “Have you seen me? I’m fantastic!” 

Harley giggled before she whispered. “Hold me?” 

Joker kissed her forehead. “I’ll hold you forever Harley. You’re my girl after all.” 

Harley smiled, content. “And you’re mine.” 

* 

The following day, dressed in a pair of leggings, one leg red, the other black, and a sleeveless black top with black ankle boots, Harley sat beside Bob in the car with a happy smile firm on her lips. Her hair was worn down today with just a little of the top pulled back, the rest of her gold locks framed her face as she gazed at her engagement ring with a sigh of happiness. She caressed the ring while Bob drove. She still couldn’t believe Joker was going to marry her. She was so happy she could burst. She had already drawn up a design for Joker’s wedding ring and sent it off with Frost for her wedding day. She couldn’t wait to put the ring on Joker’s finger so that everyone knew the clown prince of Gotham was hers, forever, until death do they part. She knew that was true without the ring or the wedding, but it was nice to announce it to the world, to Gotham. She wondered briefly if being married would get them a room together next time they were in Arkham? Probably not, but she would argue the point when that time came. 

Bob reached over and turned the radio up a little. Harley smiled; the two of them bobbed their heads in time to Frankie Goes to Hollywood singing “Relax.” 

Harley grinned at Bob. Today the big man was dressed in a tutu of matching red and black (with black and red pom poms on his tennis shoes.) He looked adorable Harley thought as they hurried across Gotham to Red’s place. She was to meet her puddin later; he had gone to deliver the invitations to some of their crime friends, as well as drop off a box of invitations at Arkham Asylum. He thought it would be funny to see how many patients tried to break out to come to their wedding. 

Harley was going to see Red to ask her officially to be her maid-of-honor or rather, a co-maid-of-honor with Bob, and to discuss something very important--her wedding dress. 

* 

Bob pulled the car up to the overgrown property that belonged to Poison Ivy. Both got out together and stood on the crumbling and broken sidewalk that ran in front of the property. No one could see through the fence that was so covered in vegetation. 

Harley beamed at Bob. “Ready?” 

Bob nodded and reached forward to pull the gate and hold it open, allowing Harley to slip through with the big man coming in behind her, easily sliding in behind her. The two of them made their way through the jungle of Ivy’s garden. It was dark and hard to see, forcing Harley to pull out her flashlight (which she was glad she remembered she would need) and made their way to the front door. Harley grinned. The journey from the front gate to front door made her feel like Lara Croft working her way through the jungle to the prize, the hot flower goddess, the jewel in the heart of Gotham. Harley giggled to herself as she led the way with Bob following closely behind. 

When she arrived at Red’s overgrown front porch Harley frowned. She couldn’t see a way to the door, which meant that Red must have grown some of her plants over the door after Frost had visited her. Harley made a face and shook her head. Ivy really needed to learn to be more social and less psycho plant lady. 

Harley stopped outside the door, cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled. 

“HEY RED!! HEY RED!! IT’S ME!” 

Harley frowned gazing sideways at Bob when there was no answer. She put her hands around her mouth and tried again. “HEY RED!!” 

“I heard YOU!! Damn it Harley!” The door was thrown back in the next instant and Ivy stood in the doorway, her skin a dark green, naked, her long red hair draped around her like she was Lady Godiva. “Do you want everyone to know I’m here?!” Ivy looked annoyed. 

Harley grinned and threw herself at Ivy. “RED!” 

Ivy only had a heartbeat to respond, catching her friend in a hug. Ivy sighed, her annoyance quickly shifting into a laugh. “I didn’t expect to see you so soon,” Ivy said, giving Harley a tight hug before she untangled herself from the blonde. 

Ivy glanced past Harley at Bob to give the big man a bright smile. “Hey Bob.” 

Bob waved happily. 

Harley grinned while hopping on her toes. “I came to ask you to be my bridesmaid! My co-maid-of-honor bridesmaid!” 

Poison Ivy blinked. “You did? Co?” 

“Of course!! Who else am I going to ask? Killer Croc...though he would look great in a dress.” Harley chuckled. “No silly, you’re my best friend, my buddy! It’s you and Bob.” Harley grabbed Ivy by her shoulders, yanking her forward and gave her a loud kiss on the cheek. “AND I wanted to talk about wedding dresses!!” 

Harley turned and pointed at Bob. It was only now that Ivy saw that large messenger bag that Bob was carrying. The pink bedazzled messenger bag looked to be bursting at the seems. 

Ivy frowned, confused. “What…” 

“Magazines!” Harley squealed with delight. “Bob and I stopped and robbed a convenience store on the way here. I got magazines, wine coolers, chips, candy, and beef jerky! We are set for the night.” 

Ivy paled to a sickly green. “Oh goodie.” 

* 

Two hours later the young women and Bob had several pages ripped out of the magazines and spread out on the floor of Ivy’s home. All of them had some aspect of a dress that Harley liked. Harley stood in the middle of the pages with a frown as she looked at all the dresses. 

“Why is this so hard?!!!” Harley whined. 

Ivy frowned too. “You know, it might be better for you to just go try dresses on.” 

Harley turned to look at her friend who was sitting on one of her large flowers, Bob curled on his side with his head in her lap while she stroked his bald head. 

Ivy nodded. “Pictures are fine, but you won’t know what you like until you try it on.” 

Harley frowned in thought. “Well, there is that big bridal mall in downtown Gotham…” 

Ivy smiled. “Then I think we should go have you try on dresses! What do you think Bob?” She looked down at Bob who smiled and nodded, sitting up. 

* 

Birdie’s Bridal Mall was a large store that catered to all things bridal with one of the largest selections of bridal dresses in the entire city. Usually the place was filled with happy brides-to-be, but it was now within ten minutes of Birdie’s closing and Mary Myrtle and her entourage had been here for well over two hours, well past Miss Myrtle's appointment time with no end in sight. 

Mary Myrtle’s father, Harold Myrtle was one of the big wigs of Gotham, a billionaire who made his money in real estate and by lining the pockets of Gotham’s less than honest political figures through the years. While the father was a despicable human being, his daughter Mary always claimed her father was a saint. She was rich, spoiled, and thought everyone should cater to her every whim. She was also picky to the point that Taylor, a short, slender man with thick black framed glasses, who was working as her consultant, was ready to be rude and throw her out, even if his boss would have a fit. He didn’t care how much money Mary Myrtle might spend--it was never going to be enough to put up with her and her entourage’s superior attitude and rude behavior. 

Taylor was on his way to the back to pull another dress for the brattiest woman he had dealt with in months when he saw movement by the front of the store through the plate glass windows. They had dimmed the lights to indicate that they were closing (most women who came to the shop had appointments, but occasionally a walk-in would come just to look at dresses.) He was sure they had locked the doors, but then door opened. Taylor sighed. He could see two women and a large man--in a tutu--standing in the front of the store looking around and talking to each other. He lifted his eyebrows behind his glasses at the sight of the man in the tutu, then shrugged. He had lived in Gotham long enough that he had seen it all. He hurried over as the women and the tutu wearing man walked over to a mannequin in a sparkling wedding dress. 

“I’m sorry ladies, but we’re getting ready to close,” Taylor said as he walked over to them. One of the women was a cute, particularly attractive blonde with a mouth-watering figure, the other a stunning redhead who was sexy enough that Taylor might have considered changing teams if she put the moves on him; he could appreciate the human body’s form, no matter what, just as his favorite poet had often written about. 

The redhead smiled, turning toward Taylor. “That’s perfect, we wanted the store to ourselves.” 

Taylor opened his mouth, his eyes darting between both women when something about the blonde suddenly clicked into place. He had seen her on television...on Susan Seaver’s show...Harley Quinn, the woman who was going to marry the Joker. 

Taylor’s mouth dropped open as he whispered in shock. “Harley Quinn?” 

Harley giggled. “You recognize me!” She hopped in place and turned to the red head. “He recognizes me Red!” 

Ivy smiled but kept her focus on the young man. “Look, we don’t want trouble, we just want to try on a few dresses…” 

“Yes, I heard you were getting married.” Taylor smiled. This just might work out, he could already tell that even though she was completely crazy, Miss Quinn might be a better client than that Miss Myrtle. Who cared that Harley Quinn was a complete nutjob? Better a nut than a pretentious princess. 

“Look, ladies, I’ll make a deal with you. You help get rid of someone for me and I’ll personally help you find a dress...it’ll be my gift, if you do it in a non-violent way. I mean...blood on wedding dresses…” Taylor shuddered. (Besides, he thought, if everyone saw Harley Quinn wearing one of their dresses, and he was sure that the wedding was somehow going to be televised; knowing she had stolen a dress from Birdie’s, they would have even more business! Joker and Harley might be criminals that struck fear into the hearts of all of Gotham, but they were still celebrities and had their own fans.) 

Ivy looked over at Harley. “You want to help him with his problem honey?” 

Harley nodded. “Sure!! If it gets me a bridal consultant, I’m in and I promise, cross my heart and hope to die, I’ll keep the violence to a minimum.” 

Taylor thought about protesting violence at all, but then decided against saying anything. Maybe that made him a bad guy, but after dealing with Mary Myrtle for the last two hours... 

Ivy shrugged and turned her attention to Taylor with a smirk on her perfect lips. “Okay, show us your problem.” 

* 

In the main dress viewing area were Mary Myrtle and her entourage, who consisted of her bridesmaids, six other girls from wealthy families in Gotham. She had chosen only the best looking from her friends, but not too good-looking--no one could look better than the bride. 

Mary turned examining herself in the dress she was currently wearing, a $24,000 dress, the bodice of which was nearly all crystals that went down to the mermaid tail. There were large sections cut out to show skin and it was tight, showing off the figure her fiance and daddy had helped her buy. Myrtle held her dark hair up, examining herself in the mirror. The dress just wasn’t right, it wasn’t enough. 

The young female consultant, a young lady named Hester, stood by the full length mirror waiting for Mary to tell her what the problem with this dress was and to complain about Hester being stupid for not picking out the correct dress. (Mary Mrytle had given them conflicting descriptions of what she wanted, changing her mind every time she inhaled Hester thought with a glare she quickly hid with a false smile.) 

“I don’t know why you can’t figure out what I want!” Mary had the nerve to stomp her foot, Hester thought, the bitch. “What do they even pay you guys for? I want something else, something more expensive, more beautiful.” Mary twisted one way, then the other in her dress glancing back at her entourage who quickly agreed with her. 

Hester kept her sigh and eyeroll to herself. She was about to lead Mary back to the dressing rooms (the woman continuing her whining the entire time, Hester was certain) when everyone heard a young woman laugh high and loud. 

“Wow, it's a crystal-covered turd. How did you pack all of that crap in that poor dress?” 

This was followed by a couple of women laughing. (Mary’s entourage covered their mouths, not only did they not want to be caught laughing, they didn’t want Mary to catch any of them smiling. Mary’s wrath could be horrible.) Everyone turned around to see a golden-haired blonde wearing red and black approaching with another woman who had long flowing red hair, in a tight green leaf patterned dress. (Bob had wandered off to look at dresses, trusting Harley and Ivy to take care of themselves or to call if they needed him.) 

Mary narrowed her eyes at the two women, not just angry that they had tried to make fun of her, but that they had walked into her appointment. No one walked into her appointment. She was Mary Myrtle, daughter of Harold Myrtle and she got what she wanted. And right now she wanted this store to herself and everyone waiting on her hand and foot, not some blonde bitch and her ginger-headed friend thinking they could even be in the same room with her. 

“Who the fuck are you? Get away from me. This is my appointment...you trashy bimbos. Oh wait, let me guess, you both need dresses for your strip act? Or are you the strippers that jump out of cakes?” 

Harley blinked, looking shocked. She glanced sideways at Ivy. “Did she just call us bimbos? Who does that? Is that word even used still?” 

Ivy chuckled. “And she implied we were strippers. Not that there is anyone wrong with being an exotic dancer, unless you're a toxic bitch.” Ivy gave Mary a once over with her eyes, being very blunt about it. “I would usually be against women hating on other women, but from what I’ve heard Miss Myrtle here is pretty much a selfish, self-centered bitch.” 

Mary narrowed her eyes. “Well, you look like a potato, potato face.” 

Ivy blinked several times. “A potato? That’s it?” 

Harley snickered. “Someone needs to work on their insults, though I suppose if you only have one brain cell working, creative insults are difficult.” Harley stuck her bottom lip out. “Maybe she needs a support group for one celled organisms. Oh wait, she has that…” Harley looked pointedly at Mary’s entourage. 

The other women gasped, clearly insulted. 

Mary yanked up the dress, tearing herself away from Hester--who failed to keep herself from laughing--and stormed over to Ivy and Harley. “Look, you two cunts…” 

“Whoa! Language!” Harley giggled. “You should really watch what comes out of your mouth lady, especially since you look like a duck’s vagina.” 

Mary snarled. “Do you know who I am? My father is Harold Myrtle, he can buy and sell anyone in this fucking town. He can ruin you and whatever piece of trash that crawled out of the Gotham sewer to marry you.” 

Hester’s eyebrows rose to her hairline. Taylor had been trailing behind Harley and Ivy coming over to stand beside Hester. He whispered in his associate’s ear and Hester’s eyes widened, but were followed by a grin. She had lived in Gotham long enough too that the idea of helping a mass murdering criminals find a wedding dress was far better than dealing with a woman who had her head so far up her own ass that she didn’t realize how much danger she was in by being such an ass. Taylor snickered and Hester did the same, the two wedding dress consultants waiting with amused expressions. 

(One of Mary Myrtle’s entourage frowned while staring at Harley. Something was bothering her...then it clicked, the blonde was Harley Quinn! She had seen the video on the news of the Joker proposing...oh shit!) 

“Ah Mary…” The wealthy young woman’s friend Veronica stepped away from the group of women and tried to speak up, but Mary’s head whipped around so swiftly, like a striking snake, that Veronica took a step back. “SHUT UP Veronica!! When I want your help I’ll fucking ask for it! Now shut up or you're out of the WEDDING!” 

Veronica's mouth snapped shut. She narrowed her eyes and took another step back, hoping for a hot minute that Harley Quinn would pull a hammer out and hit Mary in the face. 

Harley sighed. “Look, no one wants you here. Why don’t you just go and let me pick out my wedding dress and no one gets hurt.” Harley smiled. “I’m being nice--you should really take advantage of it.” 

Mary walked up to Harley put her hands on Harley’s shoulders and gave the blonde a hard shove, knocking Harley back a step as Mary moved in on her like she was going to bite. “Look, you cheap ass bitch, I don’t care what sort of skanky bastard you dug up to marry a stupid cunt bitch like you, but no one walks in and tries to hijack my appointment! You tell that slimy cock sucking bastard that you couldn’t find a dress and he should just marry some other cunt!!!” 

Harley blinked in shock, her voice low. “What did you just call Mistah J?” 

Mary grinned, a sneer forming across her face as she sensed, like a shark smelling blood in the water, that she had scored a hit. Mary moved in thinking she was going for the kill. “You heard me, your Mistah J…” 

It was clear that Mary wasn’t thinking, that she had no idea who “Mistah J” was or who Harley Quinn was since Mary said “Mistah J” with as much sarcasm and venom as she possibly could. Even Ivy’s mouth dropped open in surprise. Even if this Mary Myrtle didn’t know who she was speaking to, the amount of nastiness the brunette was spewing deserved a comeback. No one should speak that way to another person, let alone another bride Ivy thought. The urge to use her pollen or to have some plants burst through the floor of the shop was high, but Ivy kept temper. She didn’t want to mess up Harley getting a dress--best to let Harly handle this. 

Harley blinked in shock, and in the next instant Harley’s blue eyes grew cold. Harley moved so fast that no one realized what had happened except that Mary had grabbed her throat and was choking and Harley was withdrawing her right hand that was balled into a fist. Harley snarled and jumped on Mary, wrapping her legs around the other woman’s waist, driving her to the floor at the same time Harley rained her fists down on Mary Myrtle while snarling and hissing. 

“NO ONE TALKS ABOUT MY MISTAH J LIKE THAT!!! NO ONE!!!” Harley beat on Mary with a fury that shocked everyone in the room, including Ivy. She broke the screaming Mary’s nose, busted her lips, and smashed one of her eye sockets before anyone reacted to the sudden violence. 

Everyone watched in stunned silence and no one screamed, as if no one knew how to react until Ivy sighed and moved over to grab her friend just as Bob came racing into the area dressed in a pink bridal gown. 

“All right Harley--that’s enough, come on.” Ivy grabbed Harley around her waist and lifted her off of Mary. 

Harley snarled and spit, her bloody fists still swinging, now at empty air as she yelled. “I’m gonna kill you!!!” 

Taylor blinked in surprise at the sudden violence, but quickly got himself under control as he hurried over to the now prone Mary, calling to Hester for help. “Let’s get her out of the dress, which will be charged to you Miss Myrtle.” Taylor smiled pleasantly at the bloody Miss Mary Myrtle. 

Mary groaned in pain. 

Taylor looked up at her entourage. “I suggest you get her to the hospital, though I don’t know if it would be in your best interest to file a police report.” He glanced from the stunned women to a vicious Harley Quinn still being held by Ivy. 

The girls nodded helping to pick up a now nearly naked Mary. Taylor turned to Hester. “Why don’t you help get Miss Myrtle dressed and out of the store.” 

Hester smiled with pleasure. “Sure thing.” 

Once the women were gone, Taylor turned to Harley, Ivy and Bob with a bright smile. “Now, how can I help you ladies?” 

* 

Harley giggled happily clutching her dress to her breast, her smile bright and happy as she walked between Ivy and Bob. She had ended up with a white dress with thin-beaded spaghetti straps and lace motifs that adorned the nude bodice of a princess style wedding dress. The dress had a voluminous tulle ballgown skirt with attached beaded belt and an illusion plunging neckline. But the best part of the dress was the lacing that Taylor had done for the back of the corset. The laces were not simply white ribbon; Taylor had replaced them with red and black ribbon to Harley’s delight, and he had even thrown in a double comb veil of English tulle. 

Bob was also able to keep the pink, strapless wedding dress with the sparkling beaded corset with a full tulle skirt and sweetheart neckline. Harley had said he could wear it for the wedding, making Bob the happiest Bob in Gotham.


	3. The Last Singles Party

Susan Seaver, dressed in a skin-tight electric blue dress with black heels, smiled into the camera. “Tonight we have an update on the most talked about wedding in Gotham! The Joker’s and Harley Quinn’s nuptials. Sources tell us that Joker has asked The Batman to be his best man. No word on the caped crusader’s answer, but we can only imagine.” She smirked at the camera before she continued. “It has also come to our attention that Miss Harley Quinn has selected her wedding dress!” Susan smiled into the camera. “Our sources at Birdie’s Bridal tell us the dress was a princess style ball gown with an illusion plunging neckline! We don’t have any pictures available of Harley Quinn’s wedding dress, but it sounds simply divine.” 

* 

Joker turned a little at Bob’s direction as the big man, dressed in a simple black and white tutu, with black sweatpants and a white t-shirt, placed some pins at the bottom of the Joker's trousers. The clown was dressed in a black tuxedo with tails. The jacket had long tails in the back, the vest was a dark emerald green with thin dark purple stripes that matched his tie, which was the same shade of dark purple. Joker smiled at himself in the mirror. He looked good, he thought with a satisfied smile; Harley would be very pleased. He reached over and snatched the top hat off the stool where he had set it (completely ignoring the annoyed frown from Bob) and plopped it on his head. He grinned at himself in the mirror, wrapping his fingers around the lapels of his jacket. The only thing he was missing was the flower in his lapel and a pair of dark purple or maybe dark green gloves. 

“You have done masterful work, Bob,” Joker said with a smile, twisting his waist a little one way and then the other to admire himself. 

Bob looked up from where he was crouched on the floor, shoving pins into the cuffs of Joker’s slacks, to give the clown a big smile, his mouth full of pins. 

“What do you think Frosty?” Joker asked glancing over at Frost who was sitting on a stool in a dress shirt, the collar of which was opened to show the t-shirt underneath, a pair of light blue boxers and sock garters, his black dress socks for his outfit still on his feet. A pair of black slacks laid over another stool near him, a pair that Bob was working on altering for Frost’s wedding attire. 

Frost had been looking at his phone when he looked up at Joker. 

He smiled at Joker. “It looks good Boss.” 

Joker narrowed his eyes at Frost. “What are you doing on that phone? You’ve been texting the entire time.” 

Frost frowned before he sighed and said. “I’m organizing your stag party tonight with Penguin.” 

Joker grinned with amusement. He’d never had a party in his honor, well at least not one that he hadn’t thrown himself in the past or by Harley. It was going to be a nice change of pace to have someone else throw him a party. 

He frowned for a moment. “But tonight it's only Thursday, the wedding isn’t until Saturday.” 

Frost nodded. “Yeah, but it was the only day Penguin had free, so…” He shrugged. 

“Oh? So what are the plans?” Joker asked as he turned back to the mirror and twisted his hips a little (getting a dirty look from Bob) and admiring the cut of his vest. 

Frost did a quick text reply with his thumb before he looked up from the phone. “Penguin has offered to let us use the Iceberg lounge tonight. Dinner, a show...I know Penguin has a surprise in mind for entertainment, though he didn’t say what it was…” 

Joker made a face in the mirror. “You don’t suppose the fat little bird is planning to kill me, do you?” 

Frost blinked in surprise before he frowned. “Ah...No, I don’t think so…the last job we did with him was good...right?” 

Joker chuckled and smiled at himself. “Yep. Harley didn’t let me cheat him or shoot all his men. So yes--good. I would really hate to uninvite him to the wedding.” Joker made a face. “Harley would be really upset with me.” 

Frost didn’t respond at first, but then he said, “Well, everything is ready to go.” 

Joker continued to admire himself in the mirror. “So, is Harley having a bachelorette party tonight?” 

Frost, who had picked up his phone again, glanced up as he sensed something in Joker’s tone. “Uh, yeah, as far as I know. Ivy is taking Harley and her friends to this new dance club, I think it's called The Up and Down.” 

Joker wrinkled his nose at the name, but he didn’t say anything, just turned his attention back to admiring himself in the mirror, but a furrow remained between his brows, his usual smile forgotten. 

* 

That night Harley danced around the bedroom she shared with her puddin, looking at herself in the mirror. The short, red, spaghetti strapped dress she was wearing was covered in sparkling fringe, perfect for dancing all night, along with a pair of scallop cut-out red stiletto heels; her feet would be killing her by the end of the night, but it would be worth it. She smiled and brushed her hair over her shoulders. She had her long blonde locks down, though one piece of her golden hair was pulled up on the side and pinned back with a sparkling diamond pin in the same of a playing card diamond. She thought she looked nice for a night out. For a moment she imagined dancing the tango in this dress, or some other sultry dance with Joker. She giggled a the thought--her puddin was a fantastic, sensual dancer. Then she sighed. But tonight was a girls’ night and she was ready to go. She had promised Ivy she could go out without Joker, and this party was all part of the wedding “thing.” The only thing that would make this party better though was if her puddin was going to be with her. 

She hadn’t been too sold on the idea of a bachelorette party, but Ivy had insisted, told Harley it was her treat and that she deserved a night out without the clown. Ivy had surprised Harley by inviting Selina (who had actually agreed to come. Selina had actually kept the fact she was going to Harley’s bachelorette party secret from Bruce. The Batman may be her lover, Selina had reasoned, but he didn’t need to know everything she was doing.) The Carpenter from the Wonderland gang was coming too. Her real name was Jenna, but Harley kept calling her Carp (Jenna had given up on trying to get Harley to stop). Quelle, Riddler’s own henchwoman was joining their little party (though Riddler and Quelle didn’t have the same type of relationship that she and Joker had. Harley was sure that Quelle wanted more, but old Riddler was as blind as a bat.) Mercy had flown in from Metropolis (while Harley and Mercy were more frenemies, the tall brunette was still one of Harley’s “friends” and had been delighted to come to a party.) The last one to be part of their group was Lark, Penguin’s own personal henchwoman. Lark worked part time as a waitress at the Iceberg Lounge, but she usually acted as Penguin's chauffeur and bodyguard. 

Harley took a breath and smiled at herself in the mirror. “You are going to have a good time--now stop being such a sourpuss. Mistah J is going to have fun too.” 

Harley’s frown returned. She really didn’t like the idea of Joker being out and about without her. The Iceberg Lounge only hired the sexiest women and men to work there. All those other women, thinking they might have one more chance with her puddin before he got married made her blood boil. The idea made Harley want to claw the eyes out of these imagined women. She took a deep breath though her nose and let it out through her mouth slowly. Ivy had told her it would be fine. She had to believe it would be fine. She trusted her puddin--though she didn’t trust anyone else. 

She took another breath, grabbed her phone which she slid down between her breasts to be held by her strapless bra, and headed down the stairs. 

Joker was downstairs in the main “living room” area of their hench-people’s part of the hideout. He was dressed in casual attire, wearing black slacks, a dark blood-red dress shirt with purple and green suspenders. He hadn’t bothered with a tie, instead his shirt was opened down to the middle of his snow white chest, but he did have on a black jacket over his shirt, complete with a yellow carnation in the lapel. His green hair was slicked back and he had his red gloved hands shoved into the pockets of his slacks as he paced back and forth, looking less than happy. Bob was down here as well, wearing a bright and cheery red tutu--with matching red ruby tiara--sitting on the beat-up couch watching what looked to be a dance competition on the television, playing quietly. The big man had his legs out, ankles crossed, wearing a pair of matching red leggings, t-shirt and red high tops complete with sparkling red and gold pom poms attached to the shoes. 

When Harley came down the stairs, Joker stopped his pacing to stare at her, his eyes widening. She looked beautiful. More than beautiful he thought--Harley looked delectable. He wanted to grab her, throw her over his shoulder, and march right back upstairs with her so he could shove that dress up to her waist and...He licked his red lips thinking about her, letting his eyes roam up and down her body. He felt not just a pang of lust, but jealousy. She was going out looking that beautiful without him and he hated that, hated it more than he hated Batman. He hated that other men were going to be staring at her tonight, while at the same time he loved the idea of other people looking at her, wanting her, but Harley had his ring on her finger. That made him smile. He was all his...but he still didn’t like the idea of not being with her tonight. 

Harley hopped off the last two steps with a giggle, putting her arms out and wiggling back and forth causing the glittering tassels on her dress to dance and shimmer. 

“Whatcha think of my dress puddin?” Harley aimed a broad smile at him; her lips were a shimmering ruby red to match her dress. When she smiled at him, Joker’s heart skipped a beat. He watched her move her hips, the dress dancing on her, and his jealousy peaked, turning his lips in a thin line. The thought of her out dancing without him in that dress made him want to shoot someone--several someones. He both simultaneously wanted her, and was angry at her for going out looking that good without him. The thought that other men might be looking at her, admiring her...thinking she was free to flirt with, infuriated him, but he kept himself calm. He had promised himself and Harley he could do this. Bachelor parties were part of the whole wedding schtick, he could do it even if he was now wondering why on earth he had agreed in the first place. 

“It’s all right I suppose,” he said in a sullen tone. 

Harley stuck her bottom lip out as she stopped moving. “You don’t like it?” 

Joker shrugged and turned away from her. Harley frowned at his back when Frost opened the front door and came in. “Okay, I got the car Boss.” Frost stopped, his eyebrows lifting when he saw Harley. “Nice dress, Miss Quinn.” 

Harley giggled happily and wiggled again. “It’s to shimmery, I love it! Thank you Frost.” 

That was when they both heard Joker growl. 

Joker snarled. “Come on.” He marched past Harley, Frost and Bob to head for the door. He yanked it open and stepped through, slamming it shut behind him with enough force that the entire hideout seemed to shake. 

Harley jumped when the door slammed, glaring after Joker. “What’s wrong with him?” 

Frost shrugged. “I don’t think he wants to go out without you Miss Quinn. He was fine at first, but I think it’s been eating at him all day.” 

Harley blinked, then smiled, pleased with Joker’s jealousy. “Really?” 

Frost nodded. “Just a guess. I got some pixie sticks in the back for him. A few of those and he’ll be all right, don’t worry. You have fun at your bachelorette party.” 

Bob waved as he headed out the door, following Joker. 

Harley beamed. “You too Frost. Uh, before you go...are...ah...there going to be any girls there?” 

Frost had turned and stopped, grimaced. “Ah...I don’t know Miss Quinn.” He looked over his shoulder at her trying not to tense up. 

Harley narrowed her eyes. “Make sure there aren’t any, Frost.” 

“I’ll do my best Miss Quinn.” Frost frowned. Harley clearly was just as jealous as Joker. 

That was when the door opened and Joker stuck his head back in and yelled. “Harley, your plant is here!!” Then he slammed the door shut once more. 

* 

When Harley stepped outside, her attention was drawn to Joker who sat in the back of the car with Bob, his arms crossed over his chest, but with a pixie stick sticking out of his mouth instead of a cigarette. Bob was eating his own pixie stick, dumping the sugary mix into his mouth while Frost pulled away from the curb. Harley watched them go with a frown. This really didn’t feel right. She wanted to be with her puddin and being without him felt...well, she didn’t like it. And she didn’t like the idea of the Joker going off with a bunch of guys--even being watched over by Frost and Bob--at Penguin’s place… 

“HARLEY!” 

Harley jumped a foot when her name was yelled. She looked over, blinking in surprise that she hadn’t seen it when she walked out, but Ivy was hanging out of the door of a party bus parked across the street. Ivy smiled, her long red hair curled and bouncing, her usual green skin flush and pink. She wore a green sequined dress highlighted with roses that barely covered her. 

“Come on Harley!! Let’s go!!” Ivy motioned at her. 

Harley giggled. “You got a bus?!” 

Ivy smirked with a nod. “I got a bus--come on, everyone’s waiting for the bride-to-be.” 

Harley squealed and rushed over. 

* 

Harley looked shocked as she jumped onto the bus. The large vehicle, which had once been an old school bus had been converted into a party bus with a slick, shining light up dance floor, white curtains on the windows, and neon lighting that ran across the bus’s ceiling. The rows of seats had been removed and replaced with white leather couches that ran the length of the bus. The back of the bus had a full bar and sound system that was pumping music into the bus, the sounds of Rihanna singing, “Don’t Stop the Music.” 

Lark was at the back of the bus mixing drinks when she saw Harley. “HEY!! The BRIDE-TO-BE!!!” 

All the women cheered. Harley giggled. It was so weird to see all of them wearing dresses, even Carp was wearing a tight little blue number that showed off her figure. Usually Carp was in overalls and it was hard to tell that she had a figure at all. Lark was wearing a black dress with a swirl of white cutting across the middle, her hair was styled in a short pixie cut with one side shaved, which showed off the long teardrop crystal earrings she wore. Quelle was sitting on one of the couches sipping her drink when she waved. The black-haired beauty had on a dress that barely qualified for the name, made of a shimmering green material in a shade that was much brighter than what Ivy wore. Sitting on the opposite side was Selina, dressed all in black, her black and bobbed hair slicked back to make her look sleek and dangerous, like a panther. Next to her sat Mercy, her long brown hair pulled back in a slick, tight, high ponytail. Mercy wore a dress that had even less material than the one that Quelle was wearing, all in black. (Harley wrinkled her nose--what was with all these girls and the black?) 

All of them cheered when they saw Harley. 

Harley giggled and waved. “Hey!! I’m so glad everyone came!!” 

Mercy laughed. “A chance to party? Of course I’m here. I had to twist Lex’s arm...literally.” 

Selina laughed. “You didn’t?” 

Mercy nodded. “I didn’t. The big baby said he couldn’t go a night without me.” She smirked. “I know I’m good between the sheets, but he was being a little pathetic.” 

Harley gasped. “Mercy!” 

Mercy laughed. “I’m joking!! Nah, Lex was cool with it. Besides, I promised to make it up to him when I got home.” She waggled her eyebrows for dramatic effect making all the woman laugh. Lark hurried over and handed Harley a drink that was a pretty pale pink. “It’s a Bride-to-be-drink. I make them all the time at the Iceberg. Tell me what you think?” 

Harley sipped the drink as the bus lurched forward. Harley turned to see who was driving. A man sat at the wheel wearing a chauffeur’s outfit, but he seemed a bit stiff, probably here with the encouragement of Ivy and her whammy pollen Harley thought. 

Harley turned her attention to the drink, taking a sip. “Ooh sweet.” 

Lark grinned. “It packs a punch too, so be careful.” 

Harley giggled. “So Pengy isn’t making you work tonight with the boys going over there for their party?” 

“Nah, he has other girls to handle it and he has other bodyguards.” Lark shrugged. “He can spare me for a night.” 

Quelle muttered. “I doubt Riddler will know I’m gone at all, the jerk.” 

Carp smiled. “I tried to get my girlfriend to come with us, but she had an exam she needs to study for.” 

Harley sat down next to Selina. “I’m happy you guys were able to come.” 

Selina chuckled. “Even Batman couldn’t keep me away.” She smiled at the joke no one else would know the real truth of. “So you got the clown to ask you to marry him. I’m not ashamed to say I am shocked.” 

Harley giggled and tilted her head to the side. “Told you he loved me.” 

Selina tilted her head with a smile. “I’d say I’m jealous, but I’m not exactly the marrying type--though I would appreciate being asked.” 

Ivy plopped down next to Harley, sticking a veil on her head before she draped her arms around Harley’s shoulders. “Now, your only job is to enjoy yourself and get drunk.” 

Harley frowned at Ivy. “I’m surprised by the bus. I mean, isn't that against your plants first, eco-friendly thing?” 

Ivy smiled. “For one night I can slip a little. Think of it as my cheat day.” 

Harley giggle snorted. “Cheat day.” 

* 

Joker was on his fifth pixie stick. His tongue was now a combination of blue and neon green as he started to drum his leg up and down, bouncing in place, the sugar hitting his system hard since he hadn’t eaten anything since that morning. 

“So what’s the plan? What are we going to do? I get to kill anyone? OOoo!! We should have like an old fashioned shooting game with the ducks that go along in weird lines…” Joker demonstrated by moving his hands in an imitation of a wave. “...but instead of ducks we could have penguins and we shoot them for prizes!!” Joker giggled, barely breathing between each word. 

Frost frowned. “Boss, maybe you better slow down on pixie sticks.” 

Joker laughed. “Why?! It’s my last night out as a bachelor! I should be able to gorge on all the pixie sticks I want!! Harley never let’s me gorge on them! She claims they make me hyper!” 

Frost muttered under his breath. “They do make you hyper.” 

Joker ripped into another pixie stick while Bob slowly filled his entire mouth with the contents of three pixie sticks at once. Frost grimaced. The pixie sticks were clearly a bad idea--what had he been thinking? He sighed. At least Joker’s mood had improved. 

* 

When they arrived at the Iceberg Lounge, there were a few cars out front with guests of the lounge leaving their cars to be moved by valets or guests leaving as valets drove their cars up to the curb. Penguin hadn’t closed the place (that would just be bad business), but he had sectioned off an area for Joker’s party. Frost had thought keeping the restaurant open was a bad idea, but it wasn’t his place; his job was to protect the Joker. Frost pulled the car past the front of the lounge, but didn’t stop at the curb; instead he drove around to the back and parked in the employee area. “Okay Boss, we’re here.” Frost turned to look into the back only to see Joker and Bob, both giggling (Bob silently) as they blew pixie dust out of their straws at each other, creating clouds of blue and pink sugar and making a powdered candy mess in the back seat. Frost sighed and got out of the vehicle, moved around to open the Joker's door. “Boss, we’re here.” 

Joker jumped out of the car and into Frost’s arms hugging the big man and planting a loud, awful sounding kiss on his cheek as well as leaving a big red lipstick mark on Frost’s cheek. 

Joker stepped back and threw his arms into the air with a flourish. “Frost!! Let’s go party!!! I’m feeling particularly party-like!” 

Bob came out the other side silently giggling as Joker rushed over and grabbed the tutu wearing man’s hand. Joker swung Bob in a circle as he sang loudly. 

“Going to the chapel and I’m going to get married!!!” Joker laughed before he tucked Bob’s arm in his, hurrying over to the plain grey door set in the building and unceremoniously kicked the door open that led into the back of the lounge. 

Joker rushed in, pulling Bob along with him singing at the top of his lungs. 

“Bells will ring, the sun will shine, whoa-oh-oh 

I'll be hers and she'll be mine 

We'll love until the end of time… 

Because we're goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get married 

Goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get married 

Gee, I really love you 

And we're gonna get married 

Goin' to the chapel of love!!!!!!” 

Frost could hear the sounds of startled staff either screaming or yelling in a combination of foreign tongues as Joker and Bob made their way through the kitchens with Joker continuing to belt out the song. Frost sighed again. This is going to be fun, he thought with a wry twist of his lips as he hurried to catch up. 

* 

Frost managed to get himself in front of Joker and Bob at the last moment, guiding them to the area that Penguin had set aside for the bachelor party, just before they burst out of the kitchens and into the heart of the Iceburg Lounge. They had to maneuver through the back of the lounge so that the “normal” patrons didn’t see them. While everyone knew that Penguin was a criminal and that he associated with the likes of Joker, no one wanted to be confronted with that evidence by seeing the Joker at the Iceberg Lounge. Additionally, seeing Joker might cause a panic in most people. While Penguin was a known criminal, he was at least a criminal everyone could associate with, he didn’t murder (at least not personally. He may have someone killed, but his hands were always clean. And Penguin was the one person the rich and dishonest could go to if they wanted something on the black market. So Penguin was a criminal everyone tolerated. Frost supposed Penguin wasn’t that much different than some of the dishonest politicians in Gotham. Cobblepot at least didn’t try to pretend he was something he wasn’t.) 

The area that Penguin had set aside had several large booths with its own mini stage where a piano player (dressed in a very similar sparkling white diamond-like garb to Liberace) performed, a spotlight on the man and the white piano where he played and sang. The area was decorated in all whites and blues, with thick, comfortable looking white chairs and booths, glass topped tables with blue light coming from underneath to create an azure hued atmosphere. The section had thick white curtains cutting it off from the rest of the lounge and provided a buffer to the sound. 

Frost moved to hold the curtain back to let Joker and Bob walk inside ahead of him. He hoped letting Penguin plan the party had been a good idea. He had let Penguin take the lead where the party was concerned, because Frost thought that Penguin had some taste, was accustomed to planning parties, and he ran a successful lounge, so he had to know something about entertainment and parties. But as they walked into the blue and white decorated area, Frost began to wonder if he had made a big mistake. Besides the piano player, Frost noticed the place looked all but dead. 

Joker released Bob and threw his arms up. “The man of the hour is here!!!” 

Joker broke into song again. 

“Spring is here, the sky is blue, whoa-oh-oh 

Birds all sing as if they knew 

Today's the day we'll say "I do" 

And we'll never be lonely anymore!!” 

Inside the area was Penguin, sitting in a booth with two pretty young women and two pretty young men on either side of him. He smiled around his cigarette holder and held up his drink. “The groom has arrived!” Penguin chuckled. 

Riddler was sitting at a table with Scarecrow; the two men had glowing blue drinks in front of them and seemed to have been engaged in a heated debate. They both looked over and acknowledged Joker before returning to their debate. Two-Face was standing by the stage with a drink in his hand watching the piano player with two different expressions, one sour and the other bored. When he saw the Joker, he smiled and held up his drink. Gabby Gagsworth was sitting at a table with Archie and Killer Croc (the large crocodile man towering over the two short clowns.) The two short clowns were in costume with Archie making balloon animals and dropping his creations onto the floor. Croc would occasionally laugh at one of Archie’s creations--some of them rude--but the depressed clown would simply drop the balloon with a bored expression before he would start blowing another balloon up. Gabby looked to be completely wasted already, half a dozen empty glasses in front of him. 

All in all the party looked dead on arrival, Frost thought, though it was apparent to him that Joker was too hyped up on pixie sticks to notice yet. 

Bane parted from the shadows, surprising both Frost and Joker as the walking wall of muscle stalked over to him. Bane looked odd, Joker thought, dressed in a nice black dress shirt and slacks, but with his mask on. The man looked huge as always, testing the tailor’s skills as his muscles stretched the seams of the shirt as he walked over to stand in front of Joker looking down on the clown through his mask, and held his hands on his hips. 

Joker grinned up at him and waved. “Hey Bane, darling. Surprised to see you here.” 

Bane frowned behind his mask. “Is true you are marrying Harley?” 

Joker nodded. “Yep, I liked it, so I put a ring on it!” 

Joker glanced at Bob, the two men bringing their arms in, fists up, doing a few quick hip movements together in an almost perfect replication of Beyonce until Joker was laughing. 

Bane nodded and surprised Joker, causing the clown to yelp when he wrapped his arms around him, lifting Joker off his feet and hugged him in a bone crunching embrace. Joker was startled enough that his sugar high died, his eyes bulging and his laughter dying on his lips. The clown actually looked confused. 

Bane put the clown back on his feet. “You make Harley happy. I like Harley. I like that she is happy and I approve. Marriage is a sacred bond between two people. You must honor her, worship her, make sure she knows she is the only woman in the world for you.” Bane’s glare from behind his mask was stern. 

Joker’s smile came back quickly. He reached up and patted Bane on his massive chest. “Not a problem big guy.” Joker’s expression became serious for a moment as he hissed low. “I love her and she’s mine, just as I’m hers--no one will come between that.” 

Bane nodded in approval before he flung one arm around the Joker's shoulder, the other around Bob. “Good. Now we must drink to celebrate!” 

Bane led them over to where Penguin was holding court. Frost followed behind quietly, though he had been surprised to see Bane. In general, Frost preferred to avoid surprises. 

Penguin motioned his companions away, the four people scattering like skittish animals just before Bane shoved Joker into the booth, then himself and pulled Bob in with him. Frost took up a position close by while Bane slammed his fists on the table. “We need drinks little bird!” 

Penguin jumped at the slamming of fists on the table before he scowled at Bane. “Don’t call me little bird.” He turned his gaze to the pale, green-haired man. “Hello Joker.” 

Joker leaned his elbows on the table, lacing his fingers and resting his pointed chin on his laced fingers with a smile on his red lips. “Hello Pengy, fancy seeing you here.” 

Penguin wrinkled his long pointed nose at Joker. “I own the place.” 

Joker giggled while Penguin motioned and a waitress dressed in a very skimpy French maid type outfit came over to their table. 

She smiled nervously at the men. “Can I get your orders?” 

Bane smiled. “Cubata.” He glanced over at Bob and held his fingers up. “Two.” 

Joker smiled, glancing upward in thought. “Mmm...what would be a good drink for the groom-to-be?” 

The waitress smiled. “Ah, we have a very good Fuzzy Navel.” 

Joker laughed. “Perfect!” 

Penguin gestured toward his empty glass. “Another whiskey sour dear.” 

She smiled and hurried off to fill their drink orders. 

Joker turned to Penguin. “So what sort of entertainment are we going to have Pengy or are we all gonna drink until we get on each other’s nerves?” 

Penguin smiled and looked slightly smug. “I think you will like what I have planned.” 

Joker muttered. “I doubt it, but go on.” 

* 

The club that the girls were heading to was a fairly new club to the Gotham night scene. Because of that, the place was crowded with a long line of people waiting to get in. Harley and the rest were waiting at the end of the long line to get in, bored to tears. 

Harley muttered and yawned, stretching her arms over head head before she twisted to the sides stretching. “Well this is fun,” she said dead pan. 

Lark stepped out of the line to look down the long line of people. “Damn, what the hell? It’s a week night for god’s sake.” 

Mercy grinned and patted her side where she kept a concealed weapon. “I could go take care of it.” 

Ivy shook her head. “As tempting as that is, we don’t want to draw unwanted attention, like Batman for instance. This is supposed to be a fun night. Besides, we don’t want the bride and bridal party in Arkham for the wedding.” 

Harley pouted. “What about your whammy dust?” 

Ivy shrugged. “Same thing, it wouldn’t take long for Batman to get wind of me clearing a line to a club. People would talk. And social media...ugh!” (Ivy left unsaid that she could take care of the people inside too, but again, she might miss someone which would draw all sorts of unwanted attention, especially from Batman because he couldn’t keep his nose out of other people's business.) 

Everyone sighed in unison. 

Selina narrowed her eyes. “We are some of Gotham’s more notorious criminals….” 

Mercy raised her hand. “Except for me; Metropolis.” 

“And me, henchwoman.” Quelle raised her hand. 

Carp muttered. “Seriously, that's only you, Harley and Ivy. The rest of us are sidekicks or second rate criminals, as far as criminals go.” 

Selina sighed. “Come on, we are either notorious criminals or work for notorious criminals--we do not wait in line.” Selina squared her shoulders. “Come on girls, we are getting into this club.” 

Selina took off, walking at a rapid pace with the rest rushing to keep up. 

* 

The doorman was a man named Bagel (a nickname that stuck after someone said that the plugs in his ears looked like bagels. He had fed the guy his teeth, but the name had stuck anyway.) He let a couple of very cute blondes into the club, the two women flirting and giggling as they walked past him. He resisted the urge to grab their asses as they shimmed by him before putting the velvet rope that cut off the entrance from the public back in place. He didn’t acknowledge the disgusted looks he got from the people who were still waiting in line; they weren’t his concern. They would get into the club when they got into the club, not sooner. Pretty girls and hot guys got priority, everyone else could wait, unless they had a lot of money. A very generous tip would go a long way to getting into the club. 

Bagel was standing with his hands folded in front of him when he saw the group of women marching purposely toward him from the back of the line. He smirked. He knew the type, too big for their britches bitches who thought the world owed them cause Daddy had some money. Of the group, a couple of them were hot as hell, the blonde in the shimmering red dress, the red head, and the brunette, though the really tall woman wasn’t what he would call beautiful--handsome would be the better word, he decided--but she looked like she could twist him into a pretzel and he would thank her for it. The rest, nice but average, nothing special. 

He lifted a brow when the super hot brunette with the slicked back hair and looking every inch the predator, stopped in front of him, her hands on her hips. “You gonna let us in?” 

He smirked. “Maybe, whatcha gonna give me babe?” 

Selina narrowed her green eyes slightly. “How about this. You let us in, or I let my friends here…” she pointed over her shoulder with her thumb at Harley and Ivy, Harley waved at the man. “... kick your ass. Or do you wanna be the guy who didn’t let Harley Quinn in for her bachelorette party?” 

Bagel paled and his eyes widened, turning back to focus on the blonde. She was wearing one of those cheap party veils...and then recognition rolled over him like a crashing wave of dread. 

“Look, we don’t want any trouble…” Bagel put his hands up. 

Selina smiled, placing her fingertips on the doorman’s chest. “Well then, that’s good isn’t it, because we just wanna drink and dance. You just let us in now--and keep quiet about us being here--and there won’t be any trouble. You have my word.” Selina smirked and held up three fingers like she was a girl scout. 

Bagel quickly removed the velvet rope and let the ladies in. He closed it behind them with a sigh and a prayer, hoping they really didn’t intend any trouble because he kinda liked this job, he’d hate to see the club close because it got shot up by a couple of dames. 

* 

Inside, the nightclub was--unsurprisingly--crowded. There were colorful lights dancing and flashing everywhere, a large mirrored disco ball spun around slowly above the dance floor refracting the lights into a million glittering squares. The dance floor was a crowded wave of humanity, jumping and weaving together en masse to the music that was so loud it was more like a thumping beat of a heart than actual music that made the people on the dance floor move like they were a colony of insects being directed by the beat of the music. 

Two bars ran the length of the walls on either side of the dance floor with glowing neon lights that ran the length of each bar. The bar counters were glass, reflecting the colorful lights even more. 

Harley giggled as she looked around. “This place is like an LSD nightmare!” 

Selina smirked as she looked around. Since the place was new and “hip,” there were a lot of young, wealthy Gothamites here, and a lot of them were wearing their wealth in the guise of pretty, shining diamonds or other ridiculously expressive and expensive jewelry that no sane person would wear to a nightclub. She grinned, her fingers itching to do a little pick pocketing. 

Quelle smiled brightly and grabbed Lark by the hand. “Come on girls, let’s dance!” 

Harley giggled and grabbed Ivy. “Yeah the bride-to-be wants to dance!!” 

Ivy laughed letting Harley drag her out onto the dance floor. All of them headed out to the middle of the floor and the sea of human bodies. Harley threw her arms into the air and started to dance, yelling and whooping while she bounced on her feet with excitement. Ivy laughed and did the same, letting the music move her. 

* 

Joker widened his eyes holding the ball up as he looked at the plastic cups on the table. On his end of the table were Frost, Bob, Bane and Scarecrow, the other team was Two-Face, Riddler, Killer Croc, Gabby, Bob and Archie. Penguin was watching, sitting in a chair while holding his drink. He was on Riddler’s team, but he refused to stand with them. 

“Are you gonna toss the ball or just stand there?” Riddler groaned, slightly drunk. 

Joker narrowed his eyes. “Shut up Riddler or I’m gonna make you eat this ball.” 

Joker tossed the ball, landed it in one of the cups easily. His team cheered weakly. 

Joker sighed. “Drink up Green Bean.” 

Riddler gave Joker the finger as he picked up the plastic up and downed the beer. 

Riddler picked up the ball. “Prepare to go down clown.” Riddler giggled drunkenly. 

Joker rolled his eyes, glancing over at Penguin. “Penguin, did you look these games up online? Because this is boring. Beer is so juvenile...now if you wanna make it interesting, I should be able to shoot someone when they miss; not fatally, of course.” He giggled at the expressions of annoyance everyone gave him. “OR make them drink something really fun, like battery acid!” Joker added with more giggling. “Now that would be hilarious!” 

Penguin frowned glaring at Joker. “All right, fine, I have another game.” He snapped his fingers and a couple of young men came rushing out to remove the cups and ping pong balls. A young woman came out next with what looked like a large roulette wheel. She set the wheel down, and only now did Joker see that the wheel had shot glasses around the edges. Joker pursed his lips and rolled his eyes. 

“Oh, this looks like fun,” he said with no enthusiasm at all. 

* 

Harley sighed and flopped herself down on a bar stool. She was hot, sweaty and bored. 

The bartender hurried over. “What can I get the bride?” 

Harley waved her fingers absently. “A beer.” 

The bartender hurried off, returning a few seconds later with a bottle of beer that he placed in front of her. Harley picked it up, thankful that it was cold and took a long, deep swig. Ivy hurried over, shoving her way between Harley and a man sitting beside her friend who was spending too much time looking at her legs. 

“Are you okay?” Ivy asked her friend as the bartender came over and asked her. “What can I get you?” 

“Water,” Ivy said without looking at the man. He frowned, but shrugged and hurried off to get her a glass of water. 

Harley shrugged. “I’m bored. I miss Mistah J.” She took another deep drink of her beer. “I like dancing with him--he’s such a good dancer.” She sighed and leaned on the bar counter. 

Ivy frowned with a glance back to the dance floor. Lark and Mercy were dancing together while Quelle was talking to some nerdy looking guy (she clearly had a type) and Selina was picking pockets left and right. The woman probably had a fortune on her by now. She was clearly having a very good time and a very productive night, though Ivy wondered where Selina kept her loot and then shook her head, realized she most definitely didn’t want to know where the cat kept her loot. 

Ivy twisted her lips together thinking that this was stupid, but...if it would make Harley happy… 

“We could crash the boy’s party if you want,” Ivy said with a smile rubbing a hand on Harley’s back. 

Harley perked up. “Really?” 

Ivy sighed, but smiled. “Really. Come on, I’ll get the others.” 

* 

When the women arrived at the Iceberg Lounge, they parked down the street and sent Lark in to do reconnaissance. A few minutes later, Lark came rushing back down the sidewalk toward the bus and hopped on. Harley was waiting eagerly, though the first words out of her mouth were: “Are there girls there?” 

Lark shook her head in the negative. “Nope, just some wait staff, but…” she giggled. “Apparently Penguin looked up online what bachelor party games were…” 

Ivy snorted. “Oh no…” 

Lark nodded. “Oh no is right. They are currently playing drunk Jenga. Riddler is plastered, Scarecrow might be drunk, it's hard to tell with that guy, but he is sitting sprawled in a chair and keeps reciting Poe every time it's his turn. And Joker looks ready to kill everyone!” She started laughing. “I knew Penguin couldn’t plan a party.” 

Harley pouted. “Oh my poor puddin!!! I have to fix this!” 

Quelle frowned. “How…” 

Harley tapped her finger on her chin in thought. Ivy frowned as she watched her friend and saw the moment when Harley came up with an idea; the way her eyes lit up with mischief made Ivy frown slightly, but Harley giggled. “How would you girls feel about a burlesque show?” 

Lark grinned. “We have some costumes inside...” 

“Lark, get Bob.” Harley clapped her hands. “This is going to be perfect.” 

* 

Joker flopped his head forward, his forehead smacking against the table. “Let me kill something please.” 

Archie raised his hand. “I offer myself as tribute.” 

Joker rolled his head to the side to look over at Archie. “You’re too eager, you know that?” 

Archie shrugged. 

Killer Croc frowned (as much as he could frown with a snout.) “Well, I’m having fun.” 

Riddler pointed at Croc, slurring his words. “That’s because you’re not drunk!” 

Two-Face frowned and flipped his coin, looking down at it before he muttered. “This is boring.” 

Gabby, who was also drunk, whined. “I can’t believe you’re marrying her!!” 

Joker narrowed his eyes without raising his head as he muttered. “Oh look, we might have a candidate for getting shot.” 

Bane frowned, seriously studying the Jenga while sipping at his drink. “I find this game most challenging.” 

Penguin gave them all a sour look. 

Scarecrow, crowed drunkenly. 

“Hear the loud alarum bells— 

Brazen bells! 

What tale of terror, now, their turbulency tells! 

In the startled ear of night 

How they scream out their affright! 

Too much horrified to speak, 

They can only shriek, shriek, 

Out of tune.” 

Everyone turned toward Crane and yelled in unison. “SHUT UP!” 

That was the moment they all heard music coming from the stage, but this time the music was quite a bit different than what had been playing so far tonight. Joker sat up, lifting his head from the table to look toward the stage. (No one noticed the Bob was missing.) 

Someone had chased off the piano player who had been replaced with a lovely young woman wearing a sparking black and white dress. She played the piano as the lights turned up. Her fingers raced across the keys as she played a tune called “Walkin and Strippin.” The music was teasing and playful, the lights switched to something brighter, but only illuminating the center of the stage, with a dimmer light on the piano player. 

Penguin looked confused as he said softly. “That’s my girl Lark, I thought she was with Harley?” 

Joker perked up even more. “Harley’s here?” 

That was the moment that Ivy led the other women out onto the stage. Ivy and Seilna came onto the stage from the right, while Mercy and Quelle came in from the left (Carp was backstage with Bob helping with the lighting), all of them dressed in outfits that wouldn’t have looked out of place on a Vegas showgirl. Their outfits were all glittery blue and white bikini outfits with feathered backsides (all of them refusing the matching headdresses). The girls all walked out wearing their heels from their evening outfits and started to dance across the stage, their arms held out as they wiggled their hips, making the feathers on their backsides jump and flutter. Ivy sighed as she danced. The things she did for Harley were a crime she thought. She didn’t know why she cared for Harley, but Harley was her only friend and if dancing in a sparkling bikini for a bunch of morons made Harley happy, then Ivy was happy to do it. That was what friendship was about, having her friend’s back and crashing a bachelor party so Harley could see that ridiculous clown she was going to marry. Ivy sighed again as she spun. She supposed she should be happy, at least Joker was willing to commit to Harley--a lot of men didn’t have the balls for a real commitment. He may be a clown, but he loved Harley to murderous levels of dedication. 

Joker frowned as he quickly studied each of the girls looking for his girl. “Wait, those aren’t women!” He pointed an accusing finger at them. “That’s the fly trap, and the cat...and...well…” He wiggled his finger up and down in agitation. “....those are just regular people.” 

Riddler stood up and yelled. “Riddle me this!!! WoooHOOO!!!” 

Bane reached out and put a hand on Riddler’s shoulder and shoved him back in his seat. “Do not be rude little man. Let the ladies dance.” 

Gabby frowned, tilting his head as he watched them. “Think any of them will strip?” 

Archie sighed. “Damn it, now I definitely won’t get shot.” 

Frost cringed. He wasn’t sure the ladies showing up was an entirely good thing. 

Scarecrow threw an arm out over his head and began to recite. 

“It was many and many a year ago, 

In a kingdom by the sea, 

That a maiden there lived whom you may know 

By the name of Annabel Lee; “ 

The very drunk Crane gestured with his arm a little too wildly and flung the limb a little too far back which sent the slender man tumbling backwards, along with his chair. and onto the floor with a loud crash where he stopped moving, or reciting. No one bothered to check on him. 

Croc grinned, watching with rapt attention to the ladies on the stage. “Okay, this is better than the drinking games.” 

Joker pouted and crossed his arms over his chest, pouting like a toddler. “I don’t see Harley.” 

The girls danced for a minute more before they suddenly parted with two of them pushing the piano out of the way (though Lark continued to play, changing to something soft and soothing) and there in the middle of the stage stood Harley. 

She stood with two large white feathered fans over her body and a cheeky smile on her lips. 

She walked forward, taking long, graceful steps to the front of the stage, dropping one fan away to reveal that she was wearing a sheer robe or nightgown--it was hard to tell which--but the material flowed when she moved making her look angelical. Harley lifted her skirt a little with her fingers while keeping a hold of the fan, and glided across the stage, the feathered fans lightly fluttering with the movement. 

Joker’s eyes widened while his face broke out into a wide, happy smile at seeing her. His heart beat quickened while he watched her, mesmerized, his mouth slightly open, his breathing becoming more ragged at the sight of her, at each movement. 

Harley smiled, lifting her leg straight up into the air in a perfect point. She dropped it to spin around on her toes and did the same with her other foot. She was barefoot except for a couple of gold anklets. Harley smiled, her eyes finding Joker where he sat, leaning forward, staring at her, before she spun around, bringing the feathers up over her shoulder where she caressed them. She lay her cheek against them before spinning around again, with the fine, sheer cloth of the long skirt she wore flowing around her. She arched her body side to side in time to the music, moving the feathered fans with her. She stopped in the middle of the stage, her back to the viewers and slowly arched backwards, dropping her arms to her sides. She held the pose for a moment, smiling upside down at Joker before she did a handless backflip, landing gracefully on her feet. 

Joker sucked in his breath watching her. Harley flowed across the stage, dancing in slow, ballet like steps, while her arms moved gracefully with the fans, twisting them about her body until she was near the back of the stage. She held the feathered fans up to frame her face. Harley smiled brightly, her eyes only for Joker. That was when the lights dimmed. (Bob, with Carp’s help, was controlling the stage lights making sure that the lights shadowed Harley in such a way that the lights kept her figure both in shadow and visible, a teasing illumination to highligh her sexuality.) Ivy and Selina hurried over to Harley and grabbed her dress, each one grabbing a side of the skirt, and at the same time the two of them pulled back, stripping her of the flimsy gown. Harley brought the large feather fans forward to cover her body. Joker frowned in confusion. From his position and with the dim illumination, it was hard to tell if she was naked or not. He thought he had caught a glimpse of something glittering at her breasts, but she couldn’t possibly be naked with all these idiots here...male idiots. He narrowed eyes looking at them, all of their gazes on her. He would kill all of them if he had to. 

Harley rose up on her toes, holding one white feathered fan over her front, the other behind her. She had carefully covered herself with pasties and a g-string, just barely enough to call them cover, but she hoped it would be enough to prevent a bloodbath. She wanted to entertain her puddin, not cause a massacre, though it thrilled her to know Joker would kill for her. She walked out elegantly, slowly, arching her back as she moved. She flowed across the stage until she was at the front again, and at the same time she had moved both fans in front of her. Her shadow was visible through the fans, showing her tight, shapely figure. Harley pointed her toe and arched her back. One feathered fan lay across her torso while she brought her left arm up over her head with the other fan. The arch with the fans made her look like an exotic bird, or a graceful angel. She came back up on her toes and danced from one end of the stage to the other, spinning a little, each time carefully and skillfully replacing one fan for the other, hiding her body, though the lighting showed the tantalizing shadow of her figure through the fans. 

Joker’s heart was beating quickly, his groin tight; his hands now rested on his thighs had balled into fists as he watched her. He was entranced. She looked so beautiful, graceful, and sexy. For the moment he forgot about the other men in the room, all equally watching his girl with appreciation. 

Harley flowed to the middle of the stage where she dropped down on one knee, her figure in profile, crossing her arms in front of her and holding the feathered fans beside her, giving the illusion of large wings protruding from her back. She laid the fans down at her sides… 

Joker frowned tilting his head and leaning forward. The light danced across Harley’s silky pale skin...and...she was naked, completely, utterly naked, he could see her perfectly firm, round ass in the dim light. 

Joker’s eyes widened as the realization that his girl was on stage dancing naked slowly began to sink in, the fact that she had pasties on her nipples and a little triangle of cloth at her groin didn’t sink in, only the fact that all her smooth, creamy skin was on display. He began to growl... 

Harley brought the feathers up, standing at the same time as she flapped them like wings. She got to her feet and arched back, her arms still crossed over her front, the shadows and light danced across her naked body. The light caught the sparkle of pasties on her breasts, and a very tiny triangle of glitter at her groin--a tiny, glittering g-string--but otherwise she was completely nude. Only now did the men watching her realize that fact, her state of undress becoming that much clearer when she spun around to face the audience. 

Bane muttered under his breath. “¡Coño!” 

Killer Croc stood up abruptly and raced out of the room, grabbing up the passed out Scarecrow and Archie on the way. 

Archie yelled. “Hey!! He might kill me--I saw her boobs!” 

Penguin hissed. “Shit!” The little man got up and rushed out of the room. Two-Face calmly flipped a coin before he too stood up and left. 

Riddler stood up drunkenly and yelled. “Is she naked?!” 

Joker was on his feet. He had a choice, kill everyone or go stop Harley. He chose Harley. He raced for the stage just as she turned to fully face outward, showing off her glittery, nearly naked body to everyone at his bachelor party. Joker leapt onto the stage in a fantastic display of agility, grabbed Harley who giggled gleefully, dropping her fans. 

“Puddin!!!” she squealed. 

Before she could say more, Joker lifted her off her feet, throwing her over his shoulder caveman style and stomped off the stage with her. 

Ivy was leaning against the wall near the other end of the stage watching as Joker hurried the other way with Harley. Selina was standing next to her, both of them laughing. 

Ivy chuckled. “That was funny.” 

Selina laughed. “True. Well, I’m off. Had fun!” She turned and left, dissappearing into the shadows without another sound. 

Ivy shrugged turning and walking away, but not before yelling. “Hey, if anyone is interested I have the bus the rest of the night…” 

She heard Mercy from somewhere backstage. “Count me in.” 

Quelle called out. “Let me get Riddler before Joker decides to go back and kill him.” 

Lark called out. “I’m in!” 

“Me too!” Carp yelled. 

After a few moments, the place was empty except for Gabby, Bane and Frost. 

Bane looked at both men before he asked. “Either of you interested in a game of Canasta? I have some cards with me. Brought them just in case.” 

Frost looked at Gabby and shrugged. “Why not.” 

Gabby muttered. “Fuck, sure.” 

* 

Joker carried Harley backstage to the first room he found, which just happened to be a dressing room where he deposited her in front of the dressing table where a large three-paneled mirror reflected their images. 

Joker growled in the back of his throat, wanted to be angry, but he was having a difficult time of it since Harley naked--or might as well have been. The pasties and g-string she wore just made him more aroused. 

“What were you doing?” he growled at her. But he couldn’t stop himself from staring at her, the round glittering pasties over her nipples make her breasts more alluring and the way the g-string pressed into her flesh made his groin ache. 

Harley smiled. “Didn’t I improve your party puddin? I was so bored without you and Lark said you look bored too…” She stepped closer and draped her arms across his shoulders smiling in that sweet, sensual way that made his blood boil and his groin ached even more. “Come on puddin, admit you’re happy to see me.” 

Joker’s hand snapped up and grabbed her by the throat. 

She giggled. His hold wasn’t tight or painful, it was more of a firm caress, his gloved fingers held her, forced her head up, his blue eyes intent on her face. He brought his other hand to his mouth and began to use his teeth to pull at the glove on his hand. Harley watched him with anticipation, her heart beating quicker, hot blood rushing to her groin and nipples. She licked her lips and smiled at him. Watching her puddin take his gloves off with his teeth was sexy. 

After Joker pulled his glove off with his teeth, he switched hands, his fingers now bare on her throat caressed her skin gently. Harley closed her eyes, enjoyed the feel of his warm fingers against her skin, the gentle caress mixed with an underlying threat. 

He dropped his other glove to the floor and whispered. “You are a bad, bad girl Harley. Daddy is going to have to punish you.” 

Harley giggled with excitement as she purred. “Punish me, Daddy.” 

Joker smiled at her, his voice low and deep. “My girl, my bad girl,” he purred. 

He surprised Harley by turning her around to face the mirror. She smiled, seeing her reflection with Joker standing behind her, while his hands gripped her upper arms. He grinned, reaching up to pull her hair away from her ear and throat. Harley swallowed, her eyes on his red lips, his white, straight teeth, the beauty of his smile before he stuck his tongue out and caressed her ear with the tip of his dexterous tongue. Harley sucked in her bottom lip as she watched his reflection in the mirror. Joker dragged his tongue from her ear down her throat before he bit her; opening his mouth wide to press his white teeth into her skin, followed by his red lips. 

Harley’s eyes rolled closed as heat shivered through her in a wave of pleasure. 

Joker wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her tight against him. The feel of his clothing against her bare skin was erotic, made her shudder. His hand traveled from her waist up to her breast where he peeled away one of the pasties covering her nipples. She hissed as he pulled it away, followed by the other one. Once he had her nipples free he cupped one breast and squeezed. 

Harley moaned and turned her head to him, Joker captured her mouth in a deep kiss, his tongue playing with hers, tracing her lips with the tip of his tongue. His hands traveled down from her breasts, grabbed her g-string and yanked it, pulling it until it snapped. Harley yelped at the sudden sting, but she wiggled out of the tiny piece of cloth. One of 

Joker's hands slid between her legs, his fingers pressing against her at the same time he used his leg to spread her legs wider. 

Harley groaned and began to pant as he touched her, his fingers sliding against her, rough but that was just what she wanted. She arched her back, groaning and thrusting her rear against him, encouraging him to be rough with her. 

Joker growled again as he bit her shoulder, his groin aching when he felt how wet Harley felt, his fingers sliding down further, coating them in her fluids to press and slid against her. He kept caressing her, licking and biting her shoulder, her throat while he brushed the thumb of his other hand over her nipple with a heavy whisper. “Cum for me Harls, cum for Daddy.” 

Harley groaned. “Puddin…” 

Joker purred against her throat. “My pumpkin pie…” He chuckled, his warm breath against her skin. “My girl…” 

Harley arched, gasping as heat exploded through her as spoke. Her orgasm was like a fire that burned hotter each moment, made her burn with desire. She wanted more, needed more from 

Joker, from her fiance. His fingers stroked against her while he squeezed her breast, rolled his thumb and finger over her nipple, and pressed his pelvis against her. 

Harley bit her bottom lip with a whine of need. “Puddin…” 

Joker released her and unfastened his slacks, pushed the pants down. He bent Harley forward until she pressed her hands against the vanity’s top and rose up on her toes. Joker brushed his erection against her just before he thrust deep inside her. She gasped, feeling that delicious pressure of him pushing into her, filling her, stretching her, as she took him. She looked in the mirror, watching him as his expression crumbled with the intensity of his pleasure at being inside her. His hands convulsed against her skin, held onto her for fear that his knees would give out as well as needing to hold onto her, his girl, his Harley. He looked up, gazed into the mirror, his blue eyes meeting hers, and a smile spread across his face. 

Joker purred. “My girl.” 

Harley answered him with a soft coo. “My puddin.” 

He ran his hands along her sides and along the curve of her back to her hips that he grasped in a firm hold. Harley giggled with pleasure when he grasped her. She liked it when he held her, the feel of his fingers gripping her hips, and gave in to his animal like urges. She liked when he took her like this. 

Joker yanked her back and held her against him, keeping himself deep inside her. He smiled but his teeth were clenched as he arched his back, his hips pressed against her and luxuriated in feeling the softness of her rear against him. He didn’t move, not wanting to let himself climax too soon, but she felt so good, so warm, so wet, and so his. He gazed at her in the mirror, both of them watching each other. They stayed that way for a long moment, their bodies one, before he began to move inside her with urgency. His grip on her hips was still firm, almost painful, but she loved it, flesh slapping against flesh, the wet sounds of him fucking her caused Harley’s body to tighten, pleasure and heat building faster and faster until she dug her fingers into the wood of the table and arched her back and neck with a loud cry of delight. 

Joker trembled, his eyes rolling in their sockets when Harley climaxed, feeling that wash of fluid over him, the sudden increase in how wet and tight she was made him shudder. He maintained his grip on her, watching the expression on Harley’s face, so sexy when she cried out, her red lips plump with her biting down on them, the way her breasts bounced, the way she smiled with pleasure. But her eyes...those blue eyes. He loved her, loved everything about her. His grip on her tightened as he pulled her back against him, holding her as his orgasm built. 

Harley pressed back against him, loved the way he felt against her and inside her, licked her lips at the expression of sexual abandon on his face. She smiled in the mirror at him, watching him, the smile on his face, the way his green hair fell forward with the vigor of his thrusting. She arched, and cried out as another orgasm, a deeper, more satisfying burst of pleasure blinded her for a moment; her eyes rolled back and she cried out loud. “Uh puddin!! Yes!!” 

Joker hissed through his teeth as Harley’s body clamped around him and he couldn’t stop himself from climaxing even if he had wanted to. He reached forward with one hand to intertwine his fingers with her hand on the table. Harley grasped his fingers, her engagement ring pressed against his fingers. She gasped when she felt him climax inside her, and the rush of his orgasm sent her tumbling into a whirlwind of exotic pleasure. She moaned with him, holding his fingers with hers until they both went limp. Joker leaned against her, releasing her hand to wrap both arms around her waist, his cheek against her back. 

Harley sighed in satisfaction. “I missed you puddin. I don’t want to ever go to a party without you.” 

Joker smiled, kissing her back several times before he answered. “Agreed sweets. Besides, those bozos don’t know how to put together a party. Did you know we didn't even have a shooting game? Or balloons...or cake!! Well no, I take that back, Archie was making balloon animals, but they were really terrible. Maybe I should put him out of his misery.” He kissed her again while he contemplated shooting Archie. 

Harley pushed up and looked in the mirror at Joker. “You can’t! I was going to ask him to be my flower clown!” 

Joker sighed and kissed her shoulder. “Fine. I won’t kill him. He’ll be so disappointed to know how close he got.” 

They both laughed.


	4. Gathering the Guests

Susan Seaver, dressed in a bright green skirt and jacket, smiled at the camera. “In Joker and Harley Quinn wedding news, Harley Quinn was seen at one of Gotham’s newest nightclubs last night dancing the night away with a few of her friends. And viewers, she was wearing a veil, so I think we are safe to speculate that Miss Quinn was having her bachelorette party!” Susan smirked into the camera. “Now, if you were one of the lucky ones who was at club last night and saw Harley Quinn and friends, or even better, have a picture, please send up a Tweet with #IsurvivedHarleyQuinnsBachloretteParty and either tell us what you saw or send us a picture!” Susan sighed. “But sadly we have no sightings of the Joker or have information that he had a bachelor party. If anyone out there has any information on Joker’s bachelor party, or if he even had one, feel free to tweet us, #JokerParty…” 

* 

Harley sat on the bed barefoot, her legs crossed, her hair held back by a red hair band, wearing only a pair of purple and green striped panties, and a tiny blue t-shirt. She was holding her phone to her ear with a smile, a piece of paper in front of her where she had jotted down some names. “The wedding is tonight. Yes...yes Mom, I’m marrying Jack--yes, the man with the green hair. Remember I brought him over for dinner…” Harley sighed and rolled her eyes. “Yes, he still looks the same...MOM!” Harley giggled. “That’s none of your business. So will you and Dad come?” Harley glanced over as Joker walked into the bedroom wearing only his boxers. He stopped short when he saw her still on the phone. He made a face and wrinkled his nose in annoyance. 

Harley grinned watching him as he walked in carrying a large glass of chocolate milk, but with two long straws. He grinned at her, turning around to put his back to her and shake his rear end. Harley tried to stifle her giggle. “No, I already have a dress Mom. I know, but we’re doing everything so fast. Yes, I know I should have called right after he proposed.” Harley groaned at her mother, but her groan of frustration quickly turning into another giggle as Joker set the milk down only to yank his shorts down to his knees and bend over. He wiggled his pale ass at her. Harley bit her bottom lip, her eyes beginning to tear up as Joker then smacked his ass with both hands. 

“Yes, Mom, yes. Just call as soon as you get to Gotham. Yeah, we’ll be having someone come pick you up. You just drive to Gotham and go to the Amusement Mile and park. No Mom, it’s not shady; that’s just the best place for you guys to get picked up from because our place is a mess Mom!...uh huh...yeah...Mom, it’s fine. Yes...yes, I’m sure I want to marry him.” Harley looked as if she were in pain trying not to burst out laughing as Joker jumped around, putting his hands on the back of his head, his boxers down around his knees and began swinging his hips around, alternating with thrusting his hips, his member flopping around as he made the goofiest faces at her, waggling his eyebrows and holding his tongue between his teeth. 

Harley snorted and shook her head. “No Mom, I’m fine. Yeah. The guy who’ll be picking you guys us is named Jonny Frost.” She nodded. “Yeah, he’s a big guy, wears a suit. No...no...yes...okay, see you tonight.” 

She disconnected and tossed her phone onto the nightstand laughing. “What are you doing??!” 

Joker grinned at her. “I'm doing the dance of seduction.” 

Harley crawled across the mattress. “Oh, you are, are you?” 

Joker thrust his hips at her. “Are you seduced?” He gave her a broad grin. 

Harley sat up, crossed her legs and put her hands down to grab her feet. “Mm...maybe if I had a sip of chocolate milk from a naked clown...” She tilted her head and pursed her lips. 

Joker grinned and waddled, his boxers still around his knees, to where he had set the milk down, picking it up and waddled back to her. He held the glass out to her. “Your milk my sweet! Or should I say, my soon-to-be wife?” 

Harley laughed as she took the offered glass and sipped from one of the straws. 

She grinned at him while Joker turned sideways, placed his hands behind his head and added a few more pelvic thrusts to his routine. Harley giggled so hard she snorted. “We’re supposed to be figuring out who will be at the wedding tonight puddin.” 

Joker grinned. “We know who's going to be there: Bob, Frost, the gang, Riddler, Penguin...the rest...your parents...Batman and his little crew because I gotta have my best man there…” 

Harley sipped her milk, her eyes on his penis. “But how are we going to get Batman? You still haven’t told me. And we need more than that puddin! This is our big day! I want everyone to see me in my dress and I want pictures…” 

Joker grinned at her. “Well, I figured a good old hostage situation would get old Batsy to bringing his brat pack with him...and then we get both guests and Batman as my best man!” 

Harley giggled. “Oh, I like it.” She nodded. “I also had a thought. I know it's last minute, but what do you think about having Susan Seaver come to our wedding?” 

Joker stopped waddling about and allowed his semi-erect shaft to hang. “You mean that local Gotham entertainment host, the one who puts all of Gotham’s gossip on the air?” 

Harley nodded. “Yeah, she keeps talking about our wedding on her show, so I thought…” 

“Harley!! You are brilliant! That’s why I’m going to marry you!” 

Harley giggled leaning over to set the milk aside. “Wanna know another reason to marry me?” 

Joker grinned. “Do tell dollface?” 

Harley reached out and pulled him closer. “Because I like to do this.” 

She licked him, a slow and tantalizing drag of her wet tongue along his erection. She dragged her hands down his thighs, hooking her fingers around the band of his boxers and tugged them below his knees so that they fell to the floor. She scooted closer, dropped her feet to the floor, running her lips along the side of his erection, licking and kissing. 

Joker groaned. “Thought you said we needed to talk about guests for tonight?” 

Harley looked up at him. “We can take a little break before we get started again.” She punctuated her sentence by flicking her tongue against the tip of his penis. 

Joker hissed with pleasure as he watched her. “Well, when you put it that way…” 

Harley smiled and wrapped her hand around him, squeezing gently while she licked the head of his erection, her tongue sliding over him. She kissed the tip letting go so she could pull her t-shirt over her head. 

Joker purred reaching up to lightly cup the bottom of her breasts. “So pretty,” he said with a smile. 

Harley giggled and pushed herself backwards onto the bed until she sat in the middle. She lifted up and slid her panties down, kicking them off her legs. “Come here puddin, and grab the lube from the drawer.” 

Joker grinned. “Oooh, the lube!” 

He danced out of his boxers, jogged over to the bedside where he pulled open the drawer and grabbed the bottle of lubricant that they didn’t use often. It was sticky and sweet, and smelled and tasted like chemically processed strawberries. He crawled onto the bed, coming over to Harley’s side. 

“So...lube!” He jiggled his hand back and forth that held the pink liquid. 

Harley put her hand out, cupping it for him to fill. Obediently Joker poured some of the lube into her hand, then watched with fascination as she rubbed the pink liquid over her breasts. Watching her breasts become slick and shiny made his groin ache. Her nipples were hard and pink, while her smooth, perfect skin shone in the bedroom light… 

“Come here pudding, sit on my stomach.” Harley motioned at him and Joker lifted a brow. “Oooh, what are we doing?!” 

He moved to sit on her. Harley pulled him closer until his erection sat, throbbing between her breasts. She pushed her breasts together, creating a warm, soft, slippery, flesh tunnel. She leaned up and licked the tip of his shaft, tasting a drop of saltiness. 

“Go on puddin…” Harley cooed. 

Joker grinned reaching down to run his hands over her breasts, the slick oil from the lube let his fingers slip and slide. He rolled his thumbs over her nipples, making Harley moan. He moved slowly at first, slow, gentle slides of his erection between her breasts. With every other thrust, Harley would lift up and lick the tip of his erection, tasting the artifical strawberry on the end mixed with the drops of sticky pre-ejaculate as he struggled to keep himself from orgasming. 

Harley giggled. She enjoyed the feel of his erection, satin soft yet hard and hot, the slippery sliding between her breasts tickled, combined with the way he was teasing her nipples made her squirm and shudder; but the best part was looking up to see the expression on her puddin’s face. The expression of complete ecstasy, the enjoyment only she could give him. She shuddered as he caressed her slick nipples, his thumbs rotating over her nipples while he slowly thrust between her breasts and causing goosebumps to rush over her skin. Harley squirmed a little as heat pooled between her legs, her clitoris throbbed and her groin ached with the need to be punished, the need to feel him slamming into her, pressing against her, filling her. She moaned with her need, letting go of her breasts to grab his legs, her fingers pressing into his thighs. She wanted to feel him slamming into her, hard and fast. To feel him buried inside her… Harley groaned as her need built, threatening to overflow, just thinking about him inside her made her throb more and with the way he was teasing her nipples, everything was pure, wanton agony. 

Joker groaned louder, stroking his thumbs across her slippery nipples, thrusting between her breasts, resisting the urge to go faster because as much fun as this was, nothing compared to coming inside her, but he thrust between her breasts a few more times, teasing and torturing himself and, judging by the way Harley was squirming under him, torturing her too. He had to force himself not to squeeze her breasts too tightly--he didn’t want to hurt her--but that urge to move fast, to hold her soft, silky breasts against his erection, to feel that softness surrounding his shaft like a warm, welcoming… 

Joker groaned loudly and threw himself off of her landing on the bed with a bounce and a long loud groan. “Uh...Harley…” 

Harley giggled. “You like that?” 

Joker made a face at her. “Nope, hated every minute of it.” 

Harley burst out laughing. “You ass.” 

Joker chuckled, reaching for her. “Ass? Moi?!” 

He grabbed her side trying to pull her closer while Harley tried to roll away. Joker giggled pulling her back up against his chest, wrapping one arm under her, his hand coming up to grab one breast, the other around her waist, locking her against him. He loved the way her body fit up against his, the firm roundness of her rear against his groin, the way she wiggled in his arms all soft and creamy. The physical pleasure of her body mixed with the sound of her laughter made him smile. She always made him smile; his girl, his Harley. 

Joker stroked her hip, teasing, tickling her skin before his hand, still sticky with the lube, dived between her legs. He grinned when he felt that she was warm and slick, ready for him. Joker caressed her clitoris, sliding his long fingers down the slippery softness of her sex to dip the tip of his finger into her. Harley responded with a shudder and a deliciously deep gasp of pleasure. 

“Mmm...Harley…” Joker cooed against her ear. “Are you excited?” 

Harley giggled, wiggling against him. “Always puddin…I love it when you touch me...” 

Joker grinned and whispered. “I do love touching you my sweet pumpkin pie. So soft, so wet…” 

He stroked his fingers against her, marveling as he always did at how warm and soft her skin felt against him. He caressed between her legs, his fingers slick with her fluids and lube feeling the tiny tremors in her body with each stroke. He pressed down a little harder on her clitoris, feeling the swollen flesh against his finger which elicited a deep moaning gasp from Harley’s lips. He grinned. No music ever compared to the sound of Harley’s cries of pleasure. 

Harley arched when his fingers slid between her legs, sending warm tickles throughout her body. Joker’s fingers were long, graceful, and welcome as he caressed her clitoris, stroking her with slow, easy motions that made her want to thrash against him. He licked her ear, catching the end of her ear lobe in his teeth. Harley arched against him with a hiss, the tiny pain only accentuated the pleasure. She needed more. 

He smiled at her reaction, stroking a little faster, his tongue traced her ear before he bit down on her ear again, then down a little further, biting the soft space just under her ear. He followed the bite with a slow and teasing lick to her throat, his fingers moving faster as he felt the tension in her body build. He grasped her breast with his other hand, squeezing, caressing her nipple with his still slippery fingers, holding her nipple between his thumb and middle finger while he used the tip of his forefinger to stroke and stimulate her, grinning when Harley squirmed and thrust against him. He continued to stroke her, hold her tight against him, and bringing her closer with each stroke. Her excitement built on his own excitement, driving his desire for her higher. Harley arched back against him, gasping, pressing her rear against him, making him groan in response. She reached behind her to grab his hip, while her other hand grasped the blanket. At the same time she kept rubbing against him, feeling the slide of his erection between her buttcheeks. 

Joker groaned against her throat when she rubbed against him, feeling the firmness of her backside pressed against his erection was both exhilitrating and agonizing. He ached with the need to climax, with the need to bury himself inside her. He let her continue rubbing against him until he hissed and bit down on her shoulder to stop himself from orgasming. 

Joker’s bite, his clear desire for her, caused Harley to tumble over the edge into a blinding orgasm. Harley’s thighs tightened against his hand, trapping him against her. At the same time her body arched and jerked, his fingers slicked with her. She climaxed, reaching the peak before falling back into a warm, liquid deliciousness. 

He didn’t stop stroking her, but pulled her tighter against him. Harley wrapped her right leg back around him trying to find a way to be closer to him while multiple aftershocks form her orgasm made her jerk and twitch. Joker stopped touching her long enough to reach behind her, finding the damp, welcoming opening of her body and sliding into her. His eyes fluttered as his shaft slid into what he liked to think of as the happiest place on earth. He giggled with pleasure, licking her shoulder. 

“That’s the ticket,” he purred. 

Harley groaned. “Oh yes!” 

Joker chuckled, grabbed her hip, his fingers pressed into her skin. “I do love your enthusiasm!” 

Harley giggled, leaning forward a little more while Joker moved a leg between hers, thrusting himself deeper into her. Harley groaned, her fingers digging into the blankets of their bed as she arched her back and shoved her hips against him, encouraging him to penetrate as deep as he could inside her. 

Joker stroked her rear, running his hand over the smooth silky skin of her backside, shuddering each time Harley thrust back, when he grinned with an idea. He moved Harley’s leg off of his, which helped him have better access to her. He then stroked his fingers against her where their bodies met. She was so wet, he thought as he caressed her, the tips of his fingers feeling the slick, sticky slip and slide of his erection inside her. He bit down on his bottom lip with a grunt of pleasure at the feel of their bodies connected. 

Slowly, his fingers traveled up, her fluids making his fingers slick. He stroked her clitoris a few times to stimulate her, but also to coat his fingers further with her juices before he slid the same fingers between her buttcheeks. At the same time he grabbed her breast a little firmer with his other hand, holding her in place, but also giving himself an anchor when he slid his finger up into her at the same time he thrust his erection up, burying himself deep inside her. Joker’s entire body shuddered with the experience. 

Harley gasped in surprise when she felt the caress of his fingertips against rear, then the slow slide of his middle finger slipping into her rear, easing gently inside her, pressing down in a soft caress while he thrust into her. Her eyes rolled up, her body arched as Joker thrust with both his finger and his erection, filling her completely. She struggled, biting her lip; everything felt so good, almost too good, every nerve ending was screaming a song of pleasure so intense, so high that she was sure she would come undone. Every place he penetrated her felt like it was just too much, like she couldn’t take this much pleasure at once without dying, but at the same time she wanted everything he was giving her, all of it, all of him. She cried out, shoving back against his thrusting, grinding her hips backwards as a double orgasm ripped through her. She grappled with the blankets, her fingers looking for purchase to ground her to reality as the stars exploded behind her eyes. She arched, struggled, on the verge of too much of a good thing, having no idea how to handle what was happening, but at the same time she didn’t want him to stop. Harley would swear she blacked out for a second as the double orgasm moved through her body like waves followed close on the heels by another climax. She was yelling gibberish, she was sure, but she simply couldn’t form words at the moment. 

Joker hissed at the anguished pleasure of her voice, her cries of delirious delight, and the moment her body clamped down around him. He continued to thrust with his finger, at the same time matching with the thrust of his hips. He groaned, she felt too good, tight, so damn wet and listening to her desperate cries of climaxing pleasure made him ache with the need to climax himself, but he wanted to take her further, further until Harley was a quivering mess. 

He thrust slower, easing her back down again to start the rhythm of quick thrusts over again. He knew he couldn’t last much longer, she felt too good, warm, dripping wet, and soft. His shaft felt swollen, aching with the need to burst, but at the same time damn it if he didn’t want to prolong the agony. The sounds she made enhanced the ripples of intensity that rolled over him, thrusting deep, deeper, hearing the wet sounds of his fucking her. Harley reached back and grabbed Joker's leg, her hand wrapping around his knee as she began to grind with more purpose, thrusting herself back against both his erection and finger. 

Joker gasped. “Harley...uh…” 

His eyes rolled, his hand on her breast squeezed, his body tensed as she continued to bounce and grind back against him. He had suddenly lost control as Harley rode back until he couldn’t control himself any longer--she had made it impossible. Joker cried out, climaxing with a burst so strong that his thoughts blinked out of existence for a moment. His mind had gone numb, feeling her and his orgasm the only two concrete things he could focus on. They both collapsed, sinking into the mattress. 

Joker moaned. “That’s it, can’t move, have to postpone the wedding. I have jelly legs.” 

Harley giggled, rolling around to face him, snuggling up against his side, his arm under her head. “Sorry puddin, I have a dress--we’re getting married.” 

Joker made a face and groaned even louder. “You’re a horrible woman. Just horrible and mean.” 

Harley giggled kissing his chest. “Yep, I am.” 

Joker reached up and caressed her hair. “Fine, I suppose we can still get married, but only because Bob made me this glorious suit and you deserve to see me in it.” 

Harley giggled again pushing herself up on her elbows. “So, guests…” 

Joker glanced sideways at her, his fingers rubbing the top of her head not unlike Stan Laurel rubbing the top of his head. “Well my dear, I have this plan…though I wasn’t sure if you would want to come. Don’t you need to go hang out with your tree and those other females before the wedding?” 

Harley pouted. “While you get to go have all the fun gathering guests, getting Susan Seaver, and the best man? I don’t think so!” 

Joker chuckled, grabbing Harley and pulling her up until she was lying on top of him. Harley giggled and adjusted herself until she was lying comfortable on top of him. She stroked back his green hair, rubbing her nose against his long milk white nose. 

Joker gazed lovingly at her, reaching up to stroke her cheek with the back of his fingers. “It would be no fun without you Harls. Nothing is nearly as much fun without you with me.” 

* 

The Milton Finger Theater was one of many smaller theaters throughout Gotham, but unlike the other theaters Arthur, standing among the seats looking up at the stage, was sure they had the best actors in the business of underground theater. Arthur was a thin man in his 40’s with long brown hair who dressed like the classic literature teacher in any movie in any time period. The weather in Gotham was too warm for tweed, but he had on a light checkered vest of light and dark grey over his short sleeved dress shirt, his brown bow tie in place despite the Gotham heat and the broken air conditioner in the theater. 

It was early afternoon and on stage were nine of his best local actors. In the back was Grace, the best costumer on a budget in all of Gotham theater crowd and up in the lighting area was Stan, who sorta came with the theater when Arthur bought the place two decades ago. Arthur was just thankful Stan was good with the lights because he had no idea how to let the old relic go...so at least he didn’t have to do that. 

Arthur took a deep breath, today they were doing a script reading with everyone performing the songs for the first time. One of the actors, Eliza, was on piano to provide the music (when they finally were putting on the musical for an audience, Arthur hoped for a full band, but for now Eliza would do), she was playing the role of the female cenobite in his play, his baby, Hellraiser the musical. Arthur had adapted the movie into play form and had written all the songs. He was sure this play was going to be his breakthrough work, the one that would finally get him noticed. He clapped his hands together to get the attention of everyone on stage. “Okay now, we are going to perform the duet between Kirsty and Pinhead. So Chris and Erica, I need you to come forward, the rest of you step back. Now...from the top.” 

Arthur sat back down as Eliza began to play. Up above Stan turned the lights down low except for the spotlight on Chris and Erica, his leads. Chris was tall and thin, maybe a little too thin for the role, but he had the height and Erica was pretty and dainty, a perfect heroine. Arthur smiled, waiting. 

Erica opened her mouth when the lights suddenly shut off. There was a collective gasp, followed by muttering. 

Arthur waited a beat before he stood up and turned. “STAN!! WHAT THE FUCK MAN?!” 

“Oh, I’m afraid Stan is a little tied up at the moment.” This statement was followed by a laugh. 

The voice was smooth, almost seductive in its tone, but it sent ripples of chills down Arthur’s spine. It was a voice that could at once caress and terrify. 

The lights snapped on again, a spotlight once more focused on the stage. The sudden snap of the lights coming back caused everyone to gasp out loud when they all saw a tall, ghostly pale man with thick green hair, wearing a perfectly tailored purple suit, green dress shirt, gold vest and purple tie, with pointed black and white oxfords. He stood in the middle of the stage leaning on a cane. Next to him was a sexy young woman with long golden hair worn in high pigtails, wearing black and red leggings so tight they looked painted on, boots of black and red and that came up to the middle of her thighs, a little white skirt with a black and red corset top that showed off her stomach and shoulders. She had a baseball bat resting over her shoulders and was chewing gum, blowing bubbles as she grinned at Arthur. 

Everyone knew who they were: The Joker and Harley Quinn. 

Arthur felt his heart and stomach plunge to the soles of his feet. 

Joker stood up straight and gestured with his arms. “The theater!! Ah, I do so love the theater, the drama, the clothes, the makeup...and of course the adulation of the audience! Don’t you adore the theater my sweet?” Joker turned his attention to Harley who popped a bubble and giggled. “I do puddin, I do!” 

Joker wrinkled his nose playfully at her putting his arm around Harley’s waist and pulled her close. “Now...” Joker narrowed his eyes before he yelled. “Bob!! Lights!! I can’t see a damn thing!” The lights switched off, and a moment later switched back on, but this time the entire theater was lit up. Arthur’s blood ran cold. He could see several men and women, all dressed in variations of clown outfits, all holding weapons, scattered throughout the theater. Arthur counted maybe twelve or more (he didn’t know how many were up in the lighting area or backstage. As if on cue, a large man in a black suit and red tie escorted Grace out onto the stage with the others.) Arthur felt himself shaking a little. He balled his hands into fists. 

On stage, Joker grinned, turning around to take in the cast members behind him while Harley strolled over to the terrified woman sitting at the piano. Harley leaned back against the keys grinning at the woman, blowing a bubble and popping it, which made the woman jump a foot, before Joker turned his attention to Arthur. Arthur wanted to throw up. The Joker towering over him on the stage was not how he had thought today was going to go at all. 

“Are you the director?” Joker asked with a smile, leaning forward on his cane with both hands. 

Arthur didn’t want to answer, but he did. “Ah, yes…Arthur, Arthur Fleck.” 

Joker grinned “Good, good. I want to hire you and these fine actors for a performance tonight.” 

Arthur was confused. “What?” 

Joker smiled, standing up straight, and began to walk the stage twirling his cane while everyone stared, no one daring to move, let alone breathe. “My pumpkin pie and I are getting married tonight, but we would like a full house for this production. You...” (Joker pointed at Arthur with his cane.) “...my friend and your actors are going to be playing the part of happy guests. You see, my girl’s parents are going to be there and we would like them to think we have a great many friends...in fact we really do...I mean Gotham LOVES US!” He laughed with Harley giggling by the piano. 

“Yeah they do puddin!” she added. 

Joker winked at Harley while he continued. “But you know, all of Gotham won’t fit in the establishment where we’re getting married, and this wedding is coming together rather quickly...so...that’s where you and your merry performers come in.” Joker gestured while he spoke. “Dress nicely. Now that doesn’t mean a bunch of monkey suits! Add some colors! Think clowns! We want applause, cheering, weeping, the full performance. You do well, y'all get to leave with your lives, and some cake! And the best part is you can put this on your resume!! I was at the Joker and Harley Quinn wedding and lived!!” Joker turned to Harley, his eyes wide. “Maybe we should make t-shirts Harls!” 

Harley grinned in response. “I think that would be great puddin!” 

Joker chuckled. “I’m a genuis.” He turned back to Arthur. “Now, what do you think?” Joker stopped his circling, his cane hitting the floor with a loud thump as he turned to once more give Arthur the full effect of Joker’s undivided attention. 

Arthur swallowed, then stuttered. “What if we refuse?” Arthur couldn't believe he was asking… 

Joker went still. Leaning forward on his cane he cocked his head to the side, his red lipped smile was slow as it spread across his face. “Now Arthur, why on earth would you do that?” Joker asked, his blue eyes were dangerously flat, but the smile was the worst. 

Arthur shuddered as he answered. “No reason, we would be delighted…” He gave the Joker a small smile. 

Joker grinned. “I knew you would be.” 

Joker stood up, with Harley hopping to her feet. “All right boys and girls, let's escort our guests to the fine establishment where they will be dressing and waiting for the wedding tonight!” Joker put his arm out and Harley slipped her arm through his. 

“Now, time to gather Susan Seaver, and lastly, the best man my sweets,” Joker purred leaning in to kiss her. Harley smiled returning his kiss with a soft pull on his lips, reaching up to lay her hand gently against his cheek. “Let’s go puddin, we have a lot to do before we can get ready for our wedding!” 

Joker nodded his agreement. “That we do sweets, that we do.” 

* 

Susan Seaver was at the studio in her dressing room. She wasn’t set to broadcast for several hours, but she liked to come in early and go over her notes for the show, do some internet search on the latest Gotham gossip or to see if there was anything of interest stirring outside Gotham, such as people like Lex Luthor--the only man wealthier than Bruce Wayne--single, and like Bruce Wayne, whoever he was seen with was always a great topic for discussion. She really needed something juicy for tonight since there had been nothing new from Joker and Harley since the bachelorette party. Susan sighed. God she would give anything to have a front row seat at that wedding. The Joker was nearly as popular as Batman, despite his murderous nature, and his wedding, damn. The fact that Joker was marrying his girl Friday at all was a miracle! And Harley Quinn? That clown girl was not just interesting, she was amazing. The fact that Harleen Quinzel had fallen in love with the Joker wasn’t that unusual, but the fact that she had gotten the Joker to fall in love with her was amazing. If anyone had asked Susan, she would have said the Clown Prince of Crime wasn’t interested in well...anyone except for annoying Batman and killing. Clearly she, and everyone else, had been wrong. 

While Susan still had several hours before her show, she was already dressed for tonight's program in a tight-fitting lemon yellow dress that showed off her cleavage to its best effect and a pair of skyhigh heels. She reached over and picked up the package of cigarettes by her perfume and the book of matches that lay next to the ashtray. She sighed, tapping out a cigarette and stuck it between her lips as she dragged a match across the back of the book and lit the cigarette. 

She wasn’t supposed to be smoking inside the building, but she didn't care. Her show carried this damn little station and if they didn’t like her smoking in her dressing room, they could fire her--or try to--but her contract was airtight. Any firing without just cause and she would have them in court so fast their heads would spin. 

She smirked, taking a long drag on her cigarette when there was a light knock at her door. 

Susan sighed flicking ashes into the ashtray. “Enter.” 

The door opened and closed quickly. Susan turned with a frown, ready to yell at whoever it was that had dared to walk into her dressing room unannounced when she stopped mid-snarl. 

Standing before her with a big smile on her pretty face was Harley Quinn. 

The woman was dressed in a tiny white skirt and corset outfit with thigh high boots. Susan blinked. Close up the woman was even more beautiful than Susan had thought from the photos she had seen of Harley Quinn, or when she still went by Harleen Quinzel. If Harley were cleaned up a bit, maybe wearing a dress like Susan herself had on, Susan would have been all over her. Harley Quinn was hot, with a gorgeous figure, pretty face, seductive blue eyes. Yeah, Susan would definitely have been all over Harleen Quinzel. 

Harley smiled. “You’re Susan Seaver correct? You’ve been talking about my upcoming wedding haven’t you?” 

Susan’s heart was beating quickly, almost painfully. While she thought Harley was hot and sexy, she wasn’t stupid enough not to be scared. Harley Quinn, like the Joker, was a killer. The blonde had no problem killing but… 

“Yes, yes I am,” Susan replied carefully. 

Harley came over and sat down on the dressing table, crossing her long legs, laying her bat across her lap. Susan smiled a little. This close she could smell the other woman’s skin. Harley Quinn smelled delicious, like vanilla and cinnamon. Susan licked her bottom lip. Why were all the hot ones taken she thought with an inner sigh. 

Harley grinned. “Well, I’m here to offer you a chance to come to the wedding.” 

Susan blinked as if she hadn’t heard her correctly. “What?” 

Harley giggled. “Haha! You’re cute. See, I figured since you’ve been talking about our nuptials that you might actually like to come. They’re tonight. You and one camera man can broadcast our wedding live to all of Gotham!” Harley threw her arms in the air to encompass the room. “It’s gonna be great! We have a full house, Batman is going to be there…” 

Susan interrupted. “Batman? Wait--Batman is going to be at your wedding?” 

Harley nodded. “Uh huh. So, I told my puddin that we didn’t have to kidnap you, just had to walk in and ask you...so...am I wrong? Or would you rather be kidnapped?” 

Susan put her cigarette out on the table (since Harley was blocking her ashtray). “So, if I agree, you won’t kill me and I can leave when the ceremony is over?” 

Harley nodded. “Yep. That’s the deal, broadcast our wedding live on your show and you can leave, unharmed when everything is over.” 

Susan smiled slowly. This was going to be the biggest boost to her career, bigger than anything she could have done on her own. A chance like this was a once in a lifetime deal...to walk into the monster’s den and walk out again. Fuck, she would be getting calls from all over to be interviewed, her face would be everywhere, her name and face would go national! 

Susan put her hand out with a smile. “Deal.” 

Harley took the other woman’s hand, giving it a firm shake. “Deal.” 

* 

It was still early by Batman’s standards as he waited on a rooftop overlooking Gotham. He was working the streets of Gotham alone tonight because he needed some alone time. Waiting to see what Joker was going to do was wearing on him. Ever since the night Joker had tried to recruit him to be his best man, Batman had been on edge. He knew something was going to happen, and soon, but the not knowing made him anxious. 

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He couldn’t do what he needed to if he wasn’t focused. 

The other reason he was alone was because when it happened, he didn’t want anyone else to be caught up in whatever madness Joker had planned. He knew they could handle it, Nightwing, Red Robin, Robin, Batgirl--they were all trained, by him. He knew each and every one of them could handle themselves, but with the Joker and Harley Quinn, Batman always worried. Joker and his playmate were always unpredictable. Sometimes they could murder dozens of people, but then turn around and not harm a soul. Some people were even delusional enough that they admired the clown duo. 

Batman shook his head when there was a soft buzz in his ear, letting him know that there was a message coming in on Gordon’s frequency. “I’m here…” 

“Woohoo! Hiya Bats!!” 

Batman stiffened at the sound of the Joker's voice. “How did you…” 

Joker laughed. “Oh please Batsy! I’m a genius!!! Besides, you lummoxes forgot to change the frequency from the last time I kidnapped old stick-in-the mud Gordon. I mean, I was a little surprised that you hadn’t! Slipping there old Batpants?” Joker laughed and Batman growled in the back of his throat...Robin. Batman had left Robin in charge of switching the frequencies for Gordon after that incident after the young man had been insisting he could take on more responsibility...Batman was going to have to give Robin a lecture that boy would not soon forget, but his thoughts were drawn back to Joker who had started speaking again. 

“Well anyway, I bet you’re wondering why I called Batsy. I just thought you would like to know, that old church on State street, that one little hipster couples like to get married in all the time because it’s old and ornate…” 

Batman frowned. “You mean Old St. Patrick’s Church?” 

“I do!! Oh look at you knowing your churches. You religious Bats? I didn’t really see you as the religious sort, but I suppose you are a bit tight in the drawers.” Joker chuckled. “Anyway enough small talk darling. I called to let you know that I’ve got a few hostages down at the church and if you wanna save them from a death most hilarious you should get your tight little ass down to St. Patty’s pronto!! Kisses!!” 

The connection went dead. 

Batman narrowed his eyes before he leapt off the building. 

* 

When Batman arrived at the church, he noted that nothing looked out of the ordinary. The church was fine example of Late Georgian church architecture, built sometime after the 1760’s. St. Patrick’s was one of the oldest churches in Gotham and had recently seen an upgrade in popularity. The church was surrounded on both sides by much newer, taller buildings that dwarfed it, but its unique architecture still let the little church stand out. 

Batman frowned, studying it. The church was dark and quiet. There were only a few vehicles on the street, nothing unusual, no one hanging around outside, no unusual cars parked nearby, nothing to indicate anything was wrong. Batman frowned. He needed to get inside without being detected. Joker was expecting him, but that didn’t mean the clown knew when or how he would get into the church. The first course of action was to get inside to see the hostages, to see if they were alive. Batman hoped they were, that he was in time. 

He moved, flinging himself down from the building he was on, shooting out his grappling cable at the last second and flying across to the church. The best way to enter would be through the belltower. 

Once inside the tower, making his way down to the body of the church was easy. He could hear music playing. He frowned, stopping to listen. It sounded like someone had a stereo playing. Was that..? Batman’s frown deepened. The song was “Shut up and Dance with Me.” He had heard Dick play the song a few times, a few too many times, so Batman knew the stupid song by heart he thought with annoyance. 

Batman moved down into the heart of the church, finding a rafter to crouch upon. As he looked into the church he could see at least nine people facing the front. They appeared to be tied up and as he edged closer he could see at least one of them had a bomb strapped to them. 

The hostages weren’t moving, which made Batman suspect they were drugged. He turned his attention to the front of the church, where the music was coming from. 

Standing in the front of the church where the pulpit would be, Joker and Harley were dancing. The two of them appeared to be swing dancing. 

Batman frowned, noting they were surprisingly good. He watched as Joker spun Harley out, keeping a hold of her hand, the two of them standing side by side weaving their hips in time together before Joker pulled her back to him. He wrapped his arms around her and the two of them spun around the little “stage” laughing together. Joker spun Harley around in front of him again, while Harley did a smooth slide down his body, coming back up on her feet to walk around him, her gymnastic-trained grace clear in her steps. Joker grabbed her hand with a laugh, spun her around his entire body before he yanked her close. Harley jumped up, one leg straight in the air, the other bent as Joker lifted her up, leaning forward to support her on his bent knee. 

Batman looked around the church, glad that the music would cover his movements. He didn’t see Bob or Frost anywhere, which he assumed meant the two loyal henchmen were outside. Batman dropped down silently behind one of the pews and moved with the shadows, made his way to the first hostage. He needed to check out the bomb that Joker had rigged to them. Seeing the type of bomb Joker was using would give him an idea of how to disable it, how long it would take, if the bomb was explosive or gas, and if they were on a timer or if Joker held a detonator. 

He came up to the nearest hostage. He glanced at Joker and Harley, the two of them still dancing. He frowned and silently reached forward to lay his gloved hand lightly on the silent hostage’s shoulder, trying not to startle them, but oddly he got no reaction at all. He squeezed gently, but still no reaction. 

He frowned, maybe they were drugged... 

Batman only vaguely heard the music change...it was a creepy version of “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You.” He paid no more attention than that, returning his focus to the hostage, but something seemed off... 

Batman’s eyes shot up to the front of the church only to see that the Joker was gone and only Harley Quinn was standing there watching him. 

She waved pleasantly. “How ya doing Bats? Like our dolls?” 

Batman looked down at the hostage to see it was indeed a life-size doll. As his gaze darted about, he saw that the “hostages” were all dolls, mannequins, or what might simply be pillows formed and dressed to look like people. 

Batman hissed. “What…” 

“Surprise!!!” 

Batman heard Joker yell at the moment the clown leapt onto his back, covering Batman’s face with what felt like a plastic gas mask. The moment the mask jammed against Batman’s face, green gas flooded over him, filling his nostrils and mouth. Joker held on tightly while Batman struggled, the two men stumbling out into the aisle, knocking over empty pews at the same time. Batman twisted and finally slammed an elbow back into Joker’s ribs. He heard the clown gasp in pain, but Batman could feel that it was already too late--the gas was in his system. He felt dizzy and disoriented. 

Batman coughed, staggering away from Joker while Joker and Harley laughed. 

Joker kept his distance from the vigilante, but he stepped a little closer, leaning down, his hands on his knees as he looked at Batman with a grin. 

“Aw, man Bats, how many times are you gonna fall for the same gag? I mean I really thought you were better than that. Hahaha!! Well, I’m sorry to say that my respect for you has dropped an iota.” Joker grinned watching as Batman struggled to keep his feet under him, staggering down the aisle, knocking down pews as he tried to stay upright. Thinking clearly was becoming difficult. He needed help... 

“Oh come on Bats!! We’re just here to hand deliver your invitation! Harls and I are going to be saying our “I do’s” tonight and you’ve got to be there buddy! You’re my best man! My main man, my best bud! You gotta be at my wedding tonight.” 

Batman snarled. “I’ll never be your best man Joker!” 

Joker stood up with a sigh. “Harley dear, do you mind?” He turned back to Batman. “You know I really hate to do this because it’s going to really mess up the pictures, but…” He shrugged. 

Batman moved away from Joker, trying to go to the end of the aisle. He fumbled for his grappling cable, saw Harley step out of the darkness with a bat in her hands. 

“Sorry about this B-man, but we really need to get back because I gotta get ready for the wedding.” She smiled. “You understand?” She giggled and swung her bat. 

Batman didn’t feel the impact, only the moment when he was swallowed by darkness.


	5. The Wedding

Somewhere in Gotham in an old abandoned, yet still beautiful gothic church... 

The sound of laughter mixed with the sounds of music and the swirl of fabric could be heard on the other side of the door as Bob smiled cheerfully. He carried a tray of champagne glasses, a bottle of pink champagne on ice, and a plate loaded with petite fours in red, black, green and purple. He balanced the tray with one hand and knocked lightly on the door. 

There was a pause before the door was thrown open to reveal Ivy standing in the doorway wearing a soft baby pink robe around her figure. She grinned brightly when she saw Bob and his tray of cakes and alcohol. 

“Just the man we wanted to see!” Ivy said in an exuberant and cheerful tone. 

She reached out to grab the bottle of champagne out of the bucket of ice and turned around to hold the bottle up in the air, presenting it to the other ladies in the room. 

“We have bubbly ladies!!” Ivy laughed. 

“YES!! I need a drink!” Harley laughed from where she sat in a chair wearing a robe the same shade as Ivy’s robe, as were all the women in the room--Selina, Lark, Quelle, Carp, and Mercy. Susan Seaver sat on a chair nearby filming Harley with her phone (her camera man was with Joker’s group. She had been brought to the wedding location blindfolded, leaving her with no idea where she was, but Harley had been treating her as if she were part of the bridal party. Susan found that she was actually enjoying herself.) Lark stood behind Harley with a curling iron, slowly curling Harley’s hair into soft curled pigtails that flowed down her shoulders in large waves. 

The room--which had once been used as a dressing room when the old church had served as a temporary theater for some underground plays--smelled of perfume, makeup, and flowers. It was large with light pink painted walls, held a double bed, and a dressing table with a large three-sided mirror. The top of the vanity was currently strewn with makeup, hair brushes, and cans of hairspray. On a bench on the other side of the room was a box containing the ladies flowers, red and white roses. Bob had delivered the flowers earlier. Harley had no idea where Bob had acquired the flowers or if the big man had made them himself, and she didn’t ask. The ladies’ dresses all hung on hooks against the wall, framing Harley’s wedding dress which hung in the middle of the wall looking gorgeous, ready for her to slip on as soon as her hair and makeup were finished. 

Bob shuffled into the room dressed in a red and black tutu, except instead of his usual fluffy tutu, Bob had gone for a long, flowing skirt that he wore over the tuxedo he had on--along with a pair of red sneakers. On his bald head, Bob wore a tiny tiara of red roses. He set the tray down on a nearby table, picked up the plate of treats, and began to pass them out while Ivy hurried over to open the champagne with a loud “pop.” She proceeded to fill the glasses while Carp was taking photos with a large professional looking camera. 

Quelle took one of the petite fours and bit into it. “Oh my god...this is so good!” 

Harley giggled as Bob blushed and held the plate out to her. “Bob made them. He made our wedding cake too! And he also made my puddin’s wedding attire. Bob is a genius!” Harley grinned at 

Bob taking one of the offered treats. “Bob is best, aren’t you Bob?” 

Bob smiled and blushed with pleasure holding out the plate to Susan next. 

Susan took one of the offered confections, giving Bob a quizzical look. “He bakes? He sews? What else do you do Bob?” 

Bob blushed and simply bobbed his head. 

Harley giggled. “We do have a pastor, but he wasn’t really being cooperative so puddin stuck him in a closet in the basement of this place...we’ll have to try and not forget he’s there. Anyway, Bob is going to marry us too.” 

Susan blinked. “He’s ordained?” 

Bob handed the plate of treats to Mercy before he lifted up his skirt and stuck his hand into the pocket of his slacks and pulled out a folded piece of paper. He handed it to Susan. Susan sat her phone down and took the rumpled piece of folded paper, unfolding it carefully. The paper was a certificate that indicated Bob was a fully ordained minister of the Church of Clowns. 

Susan looked up. “Is this for real?” 

Harley nodded. “Yep, you can look it up online.” 

Susan smiled and handed the paper back to Bob. “Wow, okay. Uh, not to sound rude, but...does Bob speak at all?” 

Harley giggled. “Nah, Bob never talks--he doesn’t need to. But don’t worry, he has his ways. Plus me and my puddin wrote our own vows. Told ya, everything is going to be legal and binding.” 

Harley paused, took a deep breath and let it out with a happy sigh. “After tonight Mistah J is all mine.” She bride looked smug and pleased. 

Susan nodded with a smile. She had to hand it to Harley Quinn, she definitely had the most dangerous man in Gotham wrapped around her finger. Though Susan hadn’t actually seen the Crown Prince of Crime since her “abduction” and she wasn’t ashamed to admit she was a little scared, but she didn’t think Harley would let anything happen to her...she hoped. 

Susan decided to ask her next question, which she had been burning to ask. Harley had mentioned her parents coming… 

“So--your parents. They have no idea you are a criminal?” Susan asked. 

The other ladies in the room all gave Susan wide-eyed, surprised looks, going silent, but Harley just smiled and shrugged. “Nope, they don’t watch TV and rarely use the internet.” 

Susan frowned. “Really, interesting. So they are…” 

Harley smiled serenely. “They’ll be here in time for the ceremony, though they’re running a little late.” 

“Will I be able to…?” Susan began but Harley finally turned to fix the TV host with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes as she said sweetly. “No.” 

Susan nodded. “Well, anyway, this is going to be an interesting ceremony.” 

Harley beamed happily. “Oh it is.” 

Selina sipped her champagne as she saat in a chair in the corner, her legs crossed as she watched the other women. “So who does Joker have for his best man?” 

Harley smiled while Lark moved around to her front to curl a few wisps of hair around Harley’s face. “Oh, Batman.” 

Selina almost choked on her drink. “What? How?” 

Harley smiled and stood up to let Quelle take her place and poured herself more champagne. “Oh we set a trap and caught him. B-man is always so single-minded, falls for the same tricks over and over again.” She shrugged. “Anyway, he’s tied up in the room with the boys.” 

Selina tried to keep her calm, sipping her drink as if she had not a care in the world. “So what happens...ah...later?” 

Harley popped a little cake in her mouth and spoke as she chewed. “Oh, we’ll let him go after the reception and everyone goes home because I plan on making Mistah J practice his husband duties, if ya get what I mean.” Harley gave an over the top wink. “I’m gonna exercise my wifely privileges all night long.” She giggled happily. “You should see the lingerie I got!” 

Selina paled a little, hoping no one noticed or would think she had blanched at Harley’s clear hints. If things went South, Selina would get Batman out of here. For now, she could wait and watch. There was no point in playing her hand too early if she didn’t need to. Besides, keeping Harley, and by extension the Joker, in her good graces was healthier for her. Hopefully this wedding would go off without a hitch and Joker and Harley could ride off into the Gotham night happily married and Batman would be free while she wouldn’t have to lift a finger. 

* 

In another room within the same church, Joker frowned as he sat hunched over a desk, wearing only his boxers and a sleeveless t-shirt. A cigarette rested in an ashtray nearby, a lazy line of smoke flowing into the air and untouched at his elbow. His green hair was still a mess, drooping in front of his eyes while he remained completely focused on a piece of paper that he was scribbling on furiously with an ink pen. Behind him in the room were Riddler, Penguin, Bane, Scarecrow, and Frost, (Two-Face’s coin flip had prevented him from being there for the wedding and Killer Croc had been captured, along with Hatter, the two men were now currently in Arkham), while tied in a corner to a chair was a still unconscious Batman. 

Penguin, dressed in a black and white tuxedo, used the tip of his umbrella to slowly aim for Batman’s face. Oswald had his eyes narrowed as he focused on trying to get the edge of his umbrella under Batman’s mask in order to lift it, just enough… 

“If you try that one more time Pengy, I’ll put this pen through your eye,” Joker said without looking up from his paper. “Now leave my best man alone while I try and figure this out!!” 

Joker sat up straight, turning just enough to fix Penguin with glare and a snarl through his red lips. Penguin snatched his umbrella back. 

“OH come on, Joker! You aren’t even going to let us peak at who the Bat might be?” Penguin sighed slumping back in the old wooden chair where he had been sitting. 

Joker sighed and went back to his writing. “No one’s who you think they are Pengy, so leave him. And all of you shut up! I need to write my vows!” Joker muttered angrily before scratching out whatever it was he had written, balling the paper up and throwing it over his shoulder across the room (just missing Bane who simply leaned out of the way.) The ball of paper landed on the floor with several others. Joker grumbled as he leaned back to pull the desk drawer in front of him open and grab another piece of paper. 

“Why is this so hard?!” Joker snarled at the paper, slapping it down on the desk. 

Riddler, dressed in one of his green suits, smirked. “Maybe because you’re a talentless hack.” 

Joker sat up straight and turned slowly to glare at Riddler. “You’re as crazy as a soup sandwich Eddie--and just as stupid. The only reason I’m not using this pen to give you a new breathing hole in your throat is because Harley asked me to be nice until after the honeymoon.” He pointed his pen at Riddler. “So just keep it up egghead, you’re just adding to my mental list of what’s going to happen to you after the honeymoon.” 

Riddler paled a little, but said nothing. 

Scarecrow, wearing a tuxedo and his mask (which Joker thought was perfectly hilarious and loved it), muttered behind his mask. “I thought we were going to have alcohol?” 

Frost stood near the door. (He was, he hoped, the only one currently armed in the room. Joker could pretty much use anything as a weapon, Bane himself was a weapon, but the others he felt pretty confident about being about to take out...Crane...he wasn’t sure. Frost was nervous because he had sent two of the henchmen to go pick up Miss Quinn’s parents. He would have preferred to do it himself, but he hadn’t felt confident leaving Joker and the rest of these guys alone. He was probably being overly cautious, but he couldn’t help it. His job was to keep Joker and Quinn safe and that was what he would do. He just had to hope Moose and Fred got the Quinzels here in one piece.) “Bob should be here soon. He stopped to see the ladies first and drop off their pink champagne.” Bane, his mask in place over his features, sat on a chair against the wall, his large arms folded across his chest, testing the stitching of the tuxedo he wore. Balls of paper sat looking like snowballs around his feet from Joker’s many failed attempts at writing his vows.. 

“You need to write from the heart,” Bane said, addressing Joker. “You must tell her how life without her is no life at all, tell her how she is everything you didn’t know you wanted, that of all the billions of people in the world, she is the one for you. You must tell her how she is what makes your heart beat, your blood boil, and brings your soul peace.” Bane grunted when he finished, tightening his arms for a moment. 

Joker, Riddler, Penguin, Frost, and Scarecrow all stared at the big man, but Bane just stared back, his eyes behind his mask revealing nothing... 

Joker started to open his mouth to reply when the door to the room opened and Bob came in carrying a tray with a bottle of whisky on it, several shot glasses, and a plate containing petit fours and cookies. 

Bane threw his arms up in pleasure. “Yes, the drinks have arrived!!” 

Bob shuffled in just as Batman groggily moaned. “What?” 

Joker dropped his pen and hurried over to Batman, flopping down on the Bat’s lap and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. 

“Batsy!! You’re awake!! Just in time too!” Joker giggled happily, grabbing Batman by his cheeks with one hand. “I’m going to be getting married any minute now! You need to get up, you sleepyhead!” 

Batman opened his eyes behind his mask, blinking several times in confusion before his eyes finally focused on Joker sitting on his lap in what appeared to be his underwear. 

“Joker? What? What’s going on?” Batman looked around to see the other villains in the room. His eyes narrowed behind his mask when he saw them. They were mostly ignoring Batman as Bob poured shots for everyone before coming over with a shot glass filled with dark amber liquid. Batman began to struggle against his bonds, which only made Joker laugh while Frost tensed. The other men in the room were on alert, but none of them seemed overly worried about the Bat, considering he was tied up and vastly outnumbered. 

“Oh look at you!! It’s like riding horsy on my daddy’s knee!!” Joker chuckled wrapping his arms around Batman and pressing his cheek against the Bat’s cheek while he bounced along with Batman’s struggling. 

“Now you might as well stop struggling Batsy, you’re here until after the reception. Then you can go flutter off to wherever Batman’s go when the sun comes up because Harley and I will be doing the Devil’s Tango until...well...” He smiled brightly sitting back and shrugged before he patted Batman on the cheek. “We are probably going to be doing it until we both can’t walk straight!” He laughed with delight before he stopped and grinned at Batman. “Hey, since you’re up, maybe you can help me with my vows? I just can’t seem to find the right words to tell Harley how I feel about her.” He frowned when he saw the confusion evident on Batman’s face, despite the mask. Joker seemed to really be struggling to find words to express his feelings. If anyone had asked Batman his opinion about Joker and Harley, he would have simply said it was a crazy, dysfunctional relationship. But examining the look of consternation on Joker’s face, Batman wondered if the clown really did love Harley Quinn. He supposed the clown must or this wedding would not be happening. People were nothing if not bundles of contradictions. 

Batman opened his mouth to reply, but Joker interrupted him by gasping. “OH, and give me a preview of what you’re going to say when you give your best man toast.” 

Bob held the shot glass of whisky out for Joker, who took the glass and swallowed a sip, though he nearly spilled some of it on himself as Batman began to struggle again. 

“I will not be giving a speech!! I am not your best man!” Batman insisted while he shifted his weight, but he was tied good and tight. Even his fingers were wrapped tight, preventing him from accessing any of his gadgets installed in his gauntlets. “I will take you all into Arkham!” 

Joker laughed, keeping his pale slender arm around Batman’s shoulders. “Oh, now stop!!! You’re gonna make me spill my whisky! Besides, Ol’ Bob tied you up and you know how good he is!” 

Batman looked to Bob. “Bob, let me go.” 

Bob smiled and shrugged, handing Joker the plate with the petit fours on it. Joker cooed. “Oh look Bob! You made them in Harley’s and my colors.” Joker downed this shot before handing the glass back to Bob and grabbing one of the red and black cakes. He popped the entire thing into his mouth and chewed happily, rolling his eyes with pleasure. 

“This is so good,” he said with a groan, his mouth full. 

“Let me go Joker!” Batman snarled, low and menacing. 

Joker giggled glancing at the other men in the room as he swallowed his bite of cake. “Will you just listen to him!” Joker dropped his voice really low and deep. “Let me go…” 

He broke out into a fit of giggles again. “You need a drink Batsy, loosen up.” Joker motioned at Bob who set the plate of treats down to retrieve the bottle of whisky and another shot glass, filling the glass to the brim before handing it back to Joker. 

Joker took the glass with a smile and held the shot glass of liquor to Batman’s lips, but Batman thrashed around causing Joker to spill the drink all over the both of them. 

Joker sighed. “You know Harley isn’t going to be happy if we both smell like alcohol.” 

Batman growled. “Let me go!” 

He hopped up off of Batman’s lap and downed the remainder of the drink. Bob picked up the plate of goodies he had been passing around, holding it out for Joker who took another red one and popped it into his mouth. 

“Mm...tastes almost as good as Harley.” He giggled, grabbing another and leaning in to place the tiny cake against Batman’s lips. “Come on Best Man, you should try one. Bob is an excellent baker. Did you know he made our wedding cake?” 

Batman moved his head back and forth avoiding the cake each time Joker tried to make him eat a bite. 

“Oh come on Batsy, now you’re just being difficult and stubborn. AND you’re gonna hurt Bob’s feeling, isn’t he Bob darling?” Joker looked over to Bob who did indeed look upset. 

Batman scowled. “Is there anything in them?” Batman’s eyes were on Bob when he asked the question. 

Bob shook his head in the negative. As much as it pained him to do so, Batman opened his mouth to let Joker shoved the entire petite four into his mouth. He didn’t trust anyone in this room, but Bob. Bob wouldn’t poison him or lie, even if the big man adored the Joker and Harley Quinn, and would do anything for the clowns. Bob wasn’t a liar, and Batman knew the big man loved to cook. He knew Bob wouldn’t ruin something he made with poison--that was usually the Joker--and he was banking on the fact that Joker wanted him alive for the wedding. 

Joker grinned, watching Batman’s reaction. “Good isn’t it?” 

Batman grumbled. “Yes.” 

“There! Was that so hard?” Joker laughed and went back to the desk where he had been working. “All right, now, vows…” 

Batman hissed. “I’m not giving a toast! When this is over you’re all going back to Ark…” 

Joker grabbed a green pocket square off the corner of his desk and shoved it in Batman’s mouth. Bob moved forward, producing duct tape from seemingly out of thin air and wrapped it quickly around Batman’s head. 

Joker smiled, patting Bob on the shoulder. “Good man. Now, that’s enough out of you Batman. If you’re going to be such a sour puss, you can just sit there and be quiet. I have to get ready to marry my lady love.” 

He stuck his tongue out at a furious Batman before he headed back to his desk and flopped down, picked up his pen, and stared down at the blank paper. 

* 

Harley spun around while Susan, Carp, and her mother took pictures. Harley was the image of an ideal, beautiful bride. She picked up her voluminous tulle ballgown skirt and spun around again. Her long veil spun out slightly from where it was connected to the diamond and red roses combination crown on her head. The bodice highlighted her trim figure and full breasts, at the same time making her look sweet and innocent. She smiled and stopped to swing the skirts of her wedding dress. She looked like a dream of real princess. 

“So, whatcha all think?” Harley asked as she stopped moving. 

Selina smiled. “That clown doesn’t deserve you Harley. You are a vision.” 

Quelle nodded. “You’re gorgeous.” 

Mercy shook her head. “I still can’t believe you are marrying that clown.” 

Harley giggled. “You think Mistah J will like it?” 

Carp snorted. “If he doesn’t, then he really is crazy. You look like a dream!” 

Harley giggled. “You really think so?” 

Lark piped up. “Harley Quinn, you are going to be the envy of every bride-to-be in Gotham.” 

Susan nodded. “I can agree with that. You are going to be the talk of Gotham!” She would make certain of that. 

Harley giggled again, a faint blush highlighting her cheeks. “Thank you.” 

Selina stood up. “Should I go check on the guys?” 

Harley nodded. “Yep--thanks Selina.” 

Selina waved her off. “No problem,” she assured the bride. “Be right back.” 

Selina hurried out of the room. She wanted to check on Bruce too. She didn’t think Joker would do anything to him, since the clown loved playing with Batman too much to really hurt Bruce, but the others… 

She hurried through the dark halls of the church walking past the ceremony space and stopped short in shock. She had to assume it was Bob with the help of the Joker's henchmen (the henchmen were down at the other end of the church, all of them dressed like clowns. She could see they were all busy currently setting out a gorgeous six tiered cake topped with what looked like little images of Joker and Harley, while the tiers of the cake alternated between red and black and purple and green, decorated with balloons.) The ceiling of the church had been hidden by red and white striped fabric that draped down from the ceiling to give the interior of the old church the feel of being inside the big top of a circus tent. The walls had been plastered with old fashioned turn-of-the-century posters of clowns, tigers, elephants, and circus acts, each one framed in fairy lights and balloons of red, black, green or purple. There were fairy lights strung all through the old church that provided the interior a warm, soft light that made even the circus theme romantic. A long red runner had been laid down the middle of the aisle with red and white roses and balloons of green and purple along the sides and decorating the ends of the ancient pews. At the end of the aisle stood an arch that was shaped like a circus tent with colorful streamers and more fairy lights hanging from it with “Mr. and Mrs. J” in big green letters across the top of the arch. 

Selina smiled in surprise; the entire interior was gorgeous. Bob was clearly a magician. She sighed, a little envious of the two, clearly deeply in love--even if it was a big crazy love. She didn’t think she would ever get anything quite so grand if she and Bruce ever figured out their relationship. Joker and Harley may have a completely crazed, mad relationship, the two of them violent and as unpredictable as a storm, but they were both completely dedicated to each other. 

She sighed and hurried to the other side of the church to see if the guys were ready and if Bruce was all right. 

* 

Joker grinned and held his arms out, twisting one way then the other while the tails of his coat moved with him. His hair was brushed back--one curl draped down on his forehead--his lips were bright red, and his blue eyes danced with pleasure. His shoes were shined to the point that they captured the little light in the room and reflected it back brighter. 

“I look fantastic!! You think Harley will like it?” Joker glanced at the room’s occupants as he ran his hands along the vest. Each part of the suit fit him perfectly, accentuated his slender finger, long legs, and complimented his snow white skin. 

Bane nodded his approval. “You look good Joker. Your woman will love it.” 

Riddler snorted. “I suppose you look acceptable.” 

Crane smiled behind his mask. “You look very nice, old bean.” 

Penguin shrugged. “Would be better if it was a tux, but you’ll do.” 

“You look great Boss. Harley is going to love it.” Frost gave his employer a genuine smile. Joker did look good, very good. 

Bob smiled and clapped his hands with pleasure. 

They heard a knock at the door. 

Bob opened the door and peaked out. He stepped back and opened the door with a bright smile to show Selina. 

Selina poked her head in, kept her expression neutral as she looked around to see Batman in the corner tied up, though looking unharmed. 

She smiled at everyone. “Ah, wondering if you fellas were ready?” 

Joker beamed at her and nodded as he asked. “How does Harley look?” 

Selina blinked at him and paused for a moment. The genuine excitement in the Joker's expression, the real desire in his eyes was so...weird. “She looks gorgeous,” Selina replied. 

Joker smiled bigger, his eyes dancing. “I knew she would! I can’t wait!! Okay boys, let’s go!! Bob--grab the best man!” 

Joker hurried to the door, singing as he went. “It's a nice day for a white wedding!!” 

* 

Harley’s heart beat quickly as she stood just to the side and out of view of the aisle, resisting the urge to peak at her puddin. She knew he was going to be looking sexy as hell and she wanted to see, but she wanted to wait until she was walking down the aisle. Harley giggled with excitement; she couldn’t stop smiling! She was so happy, so excited, and so in love. She was finally marrying her puddin, her Joker, and he was going to be her husband!! She was going to be Mrs. J!!! Harley bit down on her bottom lip and wiggled in place, holding her bouquet in a death grip. She might have to get that tattooed on her somewhere: Mrs. J! Harley squealed again with happiness. 

The other women around her laughed, seeing how excited Harley was. (Susan was out in the church with her cameraman, ready to film Harley walking down the aisle. She was currently filming Joker and Batman, and her eyes sparkled with excitement. The thought of how her ratings were going to skyrocket made her blood pressure rise with anticipation.) 

The seats of the church were filled with the terrifed actors, who were doing a rather good job of not looking terrified (only their eyes showed how frightened they all were) with Arthur Fleck looking miserable and scared. Seeing Batman on the stage with Joker and tied up made his stomach drop to his feet, but he kept smiling ear to ear, his eyes looking almost glazed as he prayed silently to get through the ceremony and the reception with his life. 

Ivy, dressed in a layered leaf dress that hugged her figure, gave Harley a hug while being careful not to wrinkle her dress or mess up her hair. “Just don’t let him walk all over you okay? Make sure you guys are equal in all the husband-wife stuff...just...I don’t know...just be happy?” 

Harley giggled. “Oh, he can’t. He tries sometimes, but I have him wrapped around my finger.” Harley wiggled her little finger. “Besides that, he loves me Ivy.” 

Ivy sighed. “I suppose he does.” 

Lark, dressed in a long cream colored dress, giggled. “Best place to have a guy is around your finger, or in your bed, under you where you can control him.” She waggled her eyebrows suggestively. 

Mercy grinned mischievously. “Oh yeah, tied to the bed is even better, helpless while you make him cry like a baby...but in a good way.” 

Harley giggled. “Okay, that’s way too much information Mercy! Now I have this image of Lex in my head!” 

Mercy gave a rather feral grin. “Whatever your envisioning...it's better and worse.” 

Harley squealed along with everyone else. 

Ivy leaned back to look at Harley, her hands on her shoulders, then slid her grip down her arms in a gentle caress before she reached out to adjust a blonde curl on her friend’s head. “You look so beautiful, Harley. You’re absolutely sure about this? You want to marry him?” A tiny crease showed itself between Ivy’s red eyebrows. 

Harley nodded, her eyes serious. “I love him Red. I love him so much.” 

Ivy sighed. “Fine, but if he ever does anything to upset you, he’s plant food.” 

Harley giggled, wrapping her arms around Ivy and hugging her tightly just as the front doors of the church opened and Harley’s parents came stumbling through followed by two of the Joker's henchmen. They both looked to be in shock, their eyes wide with fear and surprise, their clothing wrinkled and their hair a mess. 

Moose and Fred came in after them in their clown costumes. 

“Sorry Miss Quinn--traffic was a bitch.” Moose bowed his head. 

Fred nodded. “Yeah, it was bad.” 

Harley shooed them both into the church. “It’s fine, you got them here. Now go get in place!” 

The two clowns hurried off. 

Sharon swallowed and ran a hand over her hair and straightened her light blue dress. “Well, that was interesting.” She turned her full attention on her daughter and gasped, seeing her daughter in her wedding dress completely banished her harried mental state. “Oh honey! Look at you!” 

Her mother hugged her, then pushed Harley out, her hands on her daughter’s shoulders. Her gaze ran over the dress, and tears filled her eyes. “Oh that dress, you look amazing dear!” Her mother stepped aside to give her father room to come closer and see his little girl. 

“You look beautiful sweetheart.” Nick pulled his daughter into a tight hug and whispered. “If you want to run, we can! I think the car is still out there and I looked up how to hotwire a vehicle on the internet in our hotel, I think I could pull it off...the internet is really amazing!” 

Harley giggled. “Daddy! No I don’t want to run.” 

Nick sighed and moved to hold his daughter by her shoulders. “You sure?” 

She nodded vigorously. “Yes Daddy, I’m sure. He makes me happy.” 

Harley’s father leaned over far enough to look down the aisle. The groom, his hair still green, his skin still painted white, was at the end of aisle talking with a man in a Bat costume who was tied up with duct tape around his mouth and being held up by a large man in a luchador mask. Nick watched as Joker wrapped an arm around the tied up Bat-man and kissed his cheek laughing while the Bat-man . Nick blinked several times, turning back to his daughter. 

“You’re absolutely sure?” he asked again with a plea in his voice. 

Harley nodded vigorously. “Yes, yes! I’m sure Daddy!!” 

Her father sighed and exchanged a defeated look with his wife before he gently took her veil and pulled it down over his daughter’s face. He smiled at her softly and put his arm out to his daughter. Harley linked her arm with her father’s, her mother taking her other arm. 

“If you’re sure...” her father said one more time. 

Her mother added. “We’d understand if you wanted to run Harleen.” 

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life Daddy, Mom. I love him, I love him with every part of me. He understands me, all of me like no one else Daddy. He’s my soulmate, and he likes me as well as loves me.” Harley smiled, her eyes dreamy. “He’s everything I ever wanted.” 

Sharon smiled. “Oh honey.” 

Nick nodded. “All right dear, well...let’s get you married.” 

Quelle stuck her head out and motioned with her hand. Bob saw her and nodded quickly, picking up his accordion and began playing Howard Harper-Barnes’s “Marie.” 

Everyone turned to face the back of the church. The bridesmaids came first. Joker made a face at Ivy, who stuck her tongue out at him. The rest of the ladies drifted to their positions. 

Joker turned with anticipation, excited to see Harley, a big smile across his face, his eyes dancing with merriment. He glanced sideways at Batman and whispered loudly. “Here she comes! This is gonna be…” But his voice trailed off as Harley stepped into the doorframe, flanked by her parents. He blinked in surprise. He knew she was going to look good, pretty of course, but… 

He wasn’t expecting her to look like a dream, he wasn’t expecting to be so...stunning. He swallowed, suddenly nervous, even a little scared, which felt so weird. Joker never got scared--well, except if Harley was in trouble. She floated down the aisle, a vision of beauty. There was no one else was in the church, no one, just her. Joker smirked. She was coming down to the aisle to become his girl officially, in the eyes of the law, in the eyes of everyone here and in front of Batman. Harley Quinn was going to be his wife, his girl, his harlequin and he couldn’t be happier. 

* 

The hostages, the actors, made collective sighs and gasps at seeing Harley, putting on the best show of their lives, though a few of them were actually impressed with the bride. Arthur trembled, but he acted his heart out. If nothing else, if he didn’t get through this, he would know he had put on the performance of his life! 

* 

Bane spared a hand from holding Batman to wipe at his eyes as he watched Harley come down the aisle and whispered to Riddler. “She looks beautiful.” 

Riddler looked unhappy, then glared at Bane. “You’re crying?” he hissed. 

The massive luchador nodded. “Weddings always make me cry.” 

Riddler leaned close to Crane. “You okay?” 

No one could see Crane’s expression, but he spoke softly from behind his mask. “I’m fine. Harley looks very pretty, don’t you think? She looks happy.” 

Riddler frowned. “Yes, she looks pretty. Still can’t believe she’s marrying that clown though.” 

Crane murmured. “You’re jealousy is showing Eddie.” 

Eddie glared, but said nothing else. 

Penguin leaned over to smirk at Riddler. “I suppose green is a good color for you Eddie.” 

Nygma gave Penguin the finger. 

Ivy watched her friend with a smile that was both happy and a little sad. She was happy to see Harley so happy, but the thought of Harley tying herself to Joker like this made her a little sick. She sighed, but that was simply her opinion. She didn’t know the Joker like Harley did, as her friend had pointed out numerous times. Perhaps there was a side of him he only showed Harley. The rest of the bridesmaids seemed genuinely happy, though Quelle noticed Riddler’s jealous expression with a sinking heart. Mercy was enjoying herself, though she was still a little annoyed with Lex. She had tried to get him to come with her today since he and Joker had a sort of on-again off-again working relationship, but Lex had refused. He said the next time he saw that clown, he was going to kill him. Mercy tried not to roll her eyes as she remembered him getting so upset. The man really needed to work on his temper. Selina’s expression was a mix of genuine happiness for Harley, who looked beautiful and genuinely happy. But Selina was just a smidge worried about Bruce, though, each time she looked over at him, his annoyed expression, the way he was tied up, she thought it was a little funny. Joker had added a bow tie over the Batman outfit and the duct tape, which only made the situation that much more...amusing. She pressed her lips together on a chuckle, glancing over at Batman only to see him glaring at her. She struggled to contain her giggle that threatened to burst out. He looked so ridiculous and she was pretty sure he knew exactly what she was thinking at the moment, which only made her want to laugh more. 

* 

Batman scowled, watching the bridesmaids walk down the aisle. Selina looked gorgeous in a figure-hugging dress that clung to her like a second skin. Selina only gave him a quick glance, but he could see she was a little bit amused by the entire situation. He sighed behind his duct tape and turned his attention back to the bride. He blinked in surprise. Harley looked beautiful, her face glowing with happiness. He frowned as he looked at the two people on either side of Harley. Were those two her parents? He wondered if her parents knew she was a criminal? Would he tell them if he could? Not that telling them was an issue at the moment, considering his current situation, but when he thought about it, telling Harley’s parents about their daughter wasn’t really his place. Maybe they did know and approved, but, if he was any judge of people, he didn’t think they had a clue what their daughter was into; though how Harley explained Joker must have been an interesting story. 

Speaking of Joker, Batman glanced toward clown and blinked, again in surprise. The clown looked startled. He was staring at Harley like he had never seen her before, his smile was in place, but he looked confused, pleased and...in love. 

Batman smirked under the tape, seeing the Joker at a loss of words or a laugh was not something he had ever thought he would see. Maybe being the best man wasn’t too bad--he could throw this little moment in the Joker’s face at some point. That would really annoy the clown...he hoped. 

Batman sighed again behind his duct tape. But right now he just had to get through this until he could figure out a way to get free... 

* 

Harley blushed, smiling when she saw the Joker's expression. He looked so handsome, his blue eyes sparkled in his pale face, but he also looked a little shocked. Good, she thought with a grin, if she could put that expression on his face then all the better. 

Her parents accompanied her up the aisle to Joker. Her mother stepped away and her father held her hand out to Joker, giving the clown a stern look that said “take care of my daughter.” Joker gently grasped Harley’s hand, guiding her up a step to stand beside him in front of Bob. He winked at Harley’s father, his smile broadening just a little, which turned Harley’s father a little pale. Joker turned his attention to Harley. 

Joker stared at her and whispered. “You look beautiful Harls.” 

She blushed and giggled softly. “You look beautiful too.” 

Joker winked at her and threaded his fingers through hers. “I'm always pretty, you know that. One of the reasons you’re marrying me.” 

Harley laughed. “Yep, it is. I was looking for a pretty clown.” 

He grinned, then whispered lower only for her ears. “You ready for this?” 

Harley nodded. “Am I ever!” 

Joker laughed with pleasure. “Well, let’s getter done then!” 

He grinned, both of them turning to face Bob. 

Bob was smiling, putting his entire body into performing the song on his accordian. He finished with a flare, adding a little bit to the tune before he stopped, and set the accordian to the side. Frost leaned over, picked it up, and laid the instrument out of the way. He sniffed and reached up to try to wipe at his eyes without anyone noticing. 

Bob smiled, holding his arms out as if to hug everyone in the room, his smile wide and cheerful. He gestured, his large, slightly pudgy face becoming serious. His arms moved in a wide and graceful gesture, though no one had any idea what Bob was saying, or trying to say. After a minute of his arm ballet, Bob pointed at Joker. 

Joker cringed, glancing once at Batman who simply stared at him (though it brought Batman a certain amount of pleasure to see Joker look so uncomfortable) before he turned to face Harley, taking both her hands. 

He took a deep breath, and swallowed. “Harley, I hate you.” 

Everyone gasped, but no one moved, though Ivy looked ready to rip Joker’s guts out. 

Harley bit her bottom lip waiting. 

Joker continued. “I hate that you make me feel so...weird all the time, so fluttery and strange...vulnerable. But at the same time I really like it too. It’s this strange mixture of pleasure and chaos, I love it and I hate it.” He chuckled. “But, since we’ve been together, I like and want that chaos, you made the chaos special. You mean so much to me Harls. We live in a stupid, ugly world and we are the only ones that can make sense of it, together. For years I thought I was alone, but then I met you! My soulmate! Now there are two of us making the world laugh and scream bloody murder, together!” Joker laughed. “You make me happy, Harley.” He grinned at her. “I love you, my little harlequin.” 

Harley sniffed. “Oh puddin. I love you so much. I loved you from the moment I saw you in your cell and fell in love a little more when you were brought into my office in your straightjacket. I loved our sessions together, I loved and still love every moment I’m with you. You’re a narcissist who suffers from dysthymia and a schizoid personality disorder and I love you. I love every part of you, everything about you with every fiber of my being puddin. You are my clown, my lover, my everything. You showed me how free I can be, how ridculous the world is, but you also showed me how wonderful everything can be with you by my side, how much fun laughing at the horriblness of the world can be! I love you, and I’ll never get tired of saying that.” 

Everyone applauded except Harley’s parents, who exchanged confused and a worried looks between them. 

Harley’s father leaned over to his wife, who had reached out and grabbed his thigh in a tight grip. “Dear?” 

Harley’s mother hissed under her breath. “What did she just say?” 

Nick shrugged. “Dear, that’s your department.” But he could tell that whatever their daughter had said to her soon-to-be-husband, his wife wasn’t happy about it. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to ask her later. 

Batman just glared. 

Selina looked amused. 

Ivy looked a little defeated, but also amused. 

Frost and Bane were both wiping their eyes while Riddler just rolled his eyes. 

Bob hopped up and down, clapping with enthusiasm. 

Bane murmured. “That was so beautiful.” 

Riddler shook his head. “They’re crazy.” 

Bob threw his arms into the air silently, demanding silence. Everyone stopped. Bob pointed at Joker, then pointed at Harley. Joker nodded and pulled her ring out from his pocket, a small silver ring with green and purple stones on it as he took her hand and said loudly before putting the ring on her finger... 

“This is my girl everyone!!!” He looked out at the crowd and grinned, holding her hand up before he turned back to her, winking at her as he slid the ring onto her finger. 

Harley dipped her fingers down between her cleavage, which made Joker both raise his eyebrows and smirk as she produced her own ring for him. She smiled, holding the silver band between her fingers. “You’re mine now, forever and always.” She rolled the ring in her fingers. “This will make sure no one else gets any ideas.” 

Joker chuckled and held his hand out. “Slip it on baby.” 

Harley giggled and slid the ring onto his finger. 

Bob reached out to lay one hand on Harley’s shoulder and one on Joker’s shoulder. He smiled at the crowd and unceremoniously shoved them together. 

Harley giggled as Joker reached up to gently pull her veil up and over her head. He smiled at her, his blue eyes soft, yet still brimming with mischief as he reached forward and cupped her face tenderly in his hands. He softly rubbed his thumbs along her cheeks, leaning in to brush his nose against hers. 

He whispered only for her ears. “I love you Harley Quinn.” 

Harley reached out and grasped his waist, her fingers balled around the fabric of his jacket and held him close to her. 

She gave him a tender smile, her eyes filled with love and acceptance of who he was as she whispered back. “I love you Mistah J, my puddin.” 

Joker gently tugged her closer and kissed her, a deep, slow, and passionate kiss that made Harley’s knees weak and made her heart flutter. 

The church broke out into applause with Bane whistling and cheering loudly joined just as enthusiastically by Frost. 

Harley’s mother began to sob while her father just stared and clapped like a man in shock. 

Ivy sniffed and sighed. “They really did it.”


	6. Reception/Honeymoon

“Susan Seaver here with the biggest story to hit Gotham in ages! The wedding of the infamous Joker and his lady love and partner in crime, Harley Quinn. You, my dear audience…” Susan said as she walked across her stage before taking a seat in a large, velvet blue seat. She wore a tight gold and white dropped shoulder dress a pair of white stilettos, her hair pulled back to show off her gold dangle earrings. 

“...are in for a rare treat! Me--Gotham’s favorite entertainment host--have been given exclusive access to The Joker and Harley Quinn’s nuptials when Harley Quinn herself kidnapped me!” Susan smiled into the camera. “My cameraman and I were able to see it all, from Harley Quinn’s dress…” Here an image of Harley in her wedding dress standing in front of a mirror was shown behind Susan. “To exclusive video of the ceremony…” 

A quick video clip was played of Joker beginning to slide a ring on Harley’s finger. 

“I have it all for you tonight! Mad Love: The Wedding of Joker and Harley...now, let’s roll the tapes shall we?” 

Susan Seaver aimed a bright smile into the camera. 

It was the smile of a woman who knew that not only had she just made history, but that after tonight, her career was made. 

Thanks to a couple of love-sick murderous clowns and a wedding. 

* 

After the ceremony, the members of Joker’s gang, along with the captive audience of actors, hurriedly moved the pews out of the way, bringing in a large table that (with Ivy and the other bridesmaids’ help) was set up as a wedding party table, complete with thrones. (Joker’s was purple and gold while Harley’s was red and gold. The props had been stolen from the same theater that Joker had acquired his adoring wedding audience from.) The table was decorated the same shade of red and white as a circus tent with balloons in Joker and Harley’s preferred colors. 

While the tables, food and drink were being prepared, Joker and Harley were having their wedding pictures taken. Several were being taken by an energetic Susan Seaver used her phone, while her cameraman filmed the entire process while another man--an actual photographer who was a friend of Bob’s yelled out poses while he snapped pictures. The man was flamboyant and clad in bright clothing, reminding Harley of an even sparklier, Japanese version of Elton John. 

Batman sat duct taped to a chair in a corner near the spot where Joker and Harley were having their pictures taken. Even with his mask on, he looked mad enough to spit. 

“Okay now, hold him like you’re the king Mrs. J.” The man who went by the name Koi motioned towards them with one hand as he looked through his camera. 

Harley grinned and dipped Joker back. Joker tossed his hair and kicked his leg up in the air dramatically as he whispered to her. “Ravage me like I was a virgin!” 

Harley laughed while holding the pose. “Oh I’m gonna ravage you puddin, just you wait!” 

Joker tossed his head back, one hand on his forehead. “My innocence is going to be taken by this sexy, feminine, aggressive woman and I’m so happy!” 

Koi yelled. “Perfect! Now another give me something spontaneous!” 

Joker looked at Harley. 

Harley grinned at him, the two of them silently communicating. Joker jumped up, wrapping his arms and legs around Harley like an overgrown spider monkey while Harley grabbed his rear and held onto him. 

“Cheese!” They yelled together while pressing their cheeks together. 

Koi smiled. “Marvelous darlings! Marvelous! Now...the bride and groom with their best man and maid of honor.” 

Harley squealed. “Let’s do a Charlie’s Angels pose!” 

Joker grinned at his wife. “You, my sweet, are amazing!” 

Ivy groaned and failed to suppress an eye roll. “Do we have to?” 

Harley nodded, her blue eyes wide and happy. “YES,” she demanded. 

Ivy groaned again, though it was clear the groaning was mostly for show as she walked over to stand by Harley. 

Joker wrapped his arms around Batman and started to lift him, but then groaned. “Damn it Batsy, what are you eating these days? You wait a ton.” Joker looked around. (Bob had mostly been the one moving Batman around for him, but Bob was helping move other things around at the moment…) 

“BANE!! I need some help!!!” Joker yelled. 

Bane seemed to materialize out of thin air which Joker thought was quite a trick considering the man’s size. 

Joker grinned up at Bane. “Mind placing the Bats for me, big guy?” 

Bane nodded. “Not at all.” 

Bane picked up a struggling Batman as if he weighed nothing at all and positioned the vigilante and his chair in the middle of the picture. Batman looked furious. Joker supposed he would be a little put out too if he were being moved around like a trussed up doll, but really it was Batsy’s own fault. If he had simply said yes he wouldn’t currently be duct taped to a chair. 

Joker cooed, placing his clenched hands against his cheek. “OOoh Harley, doesn’t he just look the sweetest!” 

Harley smiled and stepped over to wrap her arms around Batman. “I’m so glad you’re here to share out big day B-man.” Harley kissed Batman on the cheek loudly, leaving a red lipstick mark which made Joker squeal. “Oh, he needs matching ones!” Joker rushed over and planted his own lipstick mark on Batman’s other cheek. “You can be our Bosley! Okay girls! Let’s pose!” Joker threw a hand up into the air. 

If looks could kill, Batman would have made both clowns burst into flames. 

Joker took up the position in the middle, turning to the side dramatically and holding one hand up as he if held something, his other hand on his waist. 

Ivy shook her head with a smile, but put up the karate pose on Joker’s right, while Harley gave a pistol holding pose with Batman in the middle of them. 

Koi beamed. “Perfection!!!” 

Susan Seaver grinned taking her own pictures and video wondering if this little incident was going to damage Batman’s image or would it simply make more people angry with Joker and Harley. She was excited to find out. Not that she had anything against Batman, but it was rather funny to watch the man get taken down a peg by two love-crazed murderous clowns. 

(Selina watched all this with a horrified, yet amused expression while Batman was moved around like a prop. Batman only glanced at her when no one was looking, but she simply shrugged. ) 

Koi took several pictures before he yelled. “Entire wedding party NOW!! Including Parents!!” 

The wedding party gathered around Joker, Harley and the bound up best man. 

Joker grabbed Frost positioning him behind him. “There, my second best man.” 

Joker said it in an off handed way, but Frost beamed. He hadn’t said anything, but not being best man was a little disappointing, though he did understand the Joker's pick. The Boss and Batman had a special chemistry--the best of enemies, he supposed--but at this moment when Joker offhandedly declared him second best man, Frost couldn’t help but feel all nice and warm with pleasure. 

Bob gave Frost a quick hug around the shoulders with one hand, knowing how much those words had meant to him. 

While Joker was adjusting Batman and Frost into position for the picture, Harley pulled her parents up to stand next to her, her arm going around her father. 

Harley’s father looked down at Batman and hissed at his daughter. “Is there a reason that man is dressed like a bat and duct taped? Or is that something I don’t want to know?” He looked between his wife and daughter, his wife looking a little pale at the man in the bat suit. 

Harley just smiled. “It’s an inside joke Daddy. Don’t worry about it; he’s happy to be here.” She patted Batman on the head. “Ain’t ya Bats?” 

Batman mumbled something behind his gag and shook his chair back and forth. 

Harley smiled. “See? He’s fine.” 

Harley’s father pressed his lips together turning to whisper to his wife. “Why do I feel like we’re missing something?” 

Her mother shrugged. “Young people are so strange nowadays; it must be a generational thing. Let’s just enjoy our daughter’s wedding day.” 

He nodded his head, thinking that perhaps his wife was correct. 

* 

While the pictures were being taken, other tables were brought in for the guests. 

Once Joker and Harley took their thrones at the wedding party table, with Batman to Joker’s right and with Ivy sitting on Harley’s left side along with Harley’s parents (who were looking more and more uncomfortable) Harley hoped to get enough alcohol in them that they relaxed a bit. The rest of the wedding party had their own separate tables near the main table. 

With the large grill that Bob had brought in earlier, he proceeded to grill hamburgers, steaks, hot dogs (only Ivy noticed the lack of vegetables and gave Harley a thankful smile) while one of Joker’s gang, a young woman dressed in a pink and white ballerina clown getup and named Nancy--who was sweet on Bob--stood nearby and worked a cotton candy machine like a magician. (That had been the trick that had gotten Joker to “hire” her as part of the gang.) Frost, with the help of Arthur, carried in another table where he set up ice buckets with pink and white champagne along with a couple of bottles of whiskey, vodka, and the means to make mixed drinks, including martinis and margaritas (all fruits and olives used for drinks were kept on the down low so that Ivy wouldn’t blow a gasket, or as Harley had said when she advised Frost to keep those ideas concealed as much as possible...blow a pod.) There was enough alcohol that everyone could drink enough to stay drunk for at least a good solid week. 

Just as everyone was getting settled, the doors burst open and Croc, carrying Jervis on his shoulders like a toddler, both men still in their Arkham Asylum jumpsuits came rushing into the church, panting heavily, and looking as if the bats of hell had been on their tails. With the doors open, everyone could hear the faint sound of sirens, but distant enough that no one panicked. 

“Are we too late?”Croc asked, panting between his jagged, sharp teeth as he looked around. “We just lost the cops and Batman didn’t show...” Croc frowned in confusion when he saw Batman, taped up and sitting next to Joker at the table on the pulpit of the church. 

Jervis, his hair sticking up in all directions as if he had put his fingers in an electric socket, chuckled, waving his arms in the air from atop Croc’s shoulders. “Tea! Tea!! Another cup of tea!!” 

Joker stood up and clapped his hands. “No, my sweet dears! You are right on time for the fun part! Food, drink, and dancing!!” 

Croc frowned, sounding disappointed. “But we missed the ceremony?” 

Joker held out his hand with his wedding ring. “Yes, but lookie! I’m a married man now!” He wiggled his fingers. “I’ve gone all domestic! Next thing you know I’ll be in curlers ironing Harley’s suits!” 

Harley giggled and playfully smacked his backside, which caused Joker to jump and yelp. “Honey not in front of the guests!” She looked to Croc and Jervis. “I’m so glad you guys got here--take a seat! We are going to be eating soon!” 

Croc and Jervis found themselves a couple of seats next to Riddler and Scarecrow. 

While the food was being cooked and everyone was enjoying cotton candy, Ivy stood up, holding her glass and a spoon. She looked around and lightly tapped her glass. The terrified actors turned toward her. Harley grinned, watching her friend, elbowing her now-husband Joker in the side to get him to stop teasing his bound up best man with cotton candy that the caped crusader couldn’t eat, since he was still gagged. 

“Attention everyone, I would like to make a toast!” Ivy called out. Everyone became quiet. “I wanted to say a few words about the bride…” She sighed, glancing over at Joker who grinned at her expectantly. “...and groom.” She smiled, turning back to the guests. “Harley is my best friend. I hate humanity, I hate mammals. I see them as destructive creatures who destroy the earth, our mother, our womb! You blacken mother earth’s skies, you pollute her waters, and burn her plants. One day there will be a reckoning! The earth, her plants will fight back and I will be there…” 

Harley’s parents looked shocked, and more than a little confused, and maybe a little frightened. The actors, who had been fighting to keep of their cheery appearances, looked sick at being referred to as mammals. Frost and Bob just ignored her while Riddler, who had grabbed one of the bottles of whiskey from the alcohol table, poured himself a third shot. Scarecrow was listening to Ivy, patiently having removed his mask while he ate his cotton candy one piece at a time listening with casual interest to Ivy, while Penguin smirked and lit his cigarette. Bane listened intently, his hands folded neatly on the table in front of him. He appeared to be paying attention, but it was hard to tell from behind his mask. 

Ivy threw one of her arms up. “When I become the earth’s mother, I will…” 

Joker leaned close to his new wife’s ear. “Ah, your house plant is giving her world domination speech sweets. I mean, I’m not judging and all, but…” He made a spinning motion to the side of his head with one finger crossing his eyes. 

Harley made a face at Joker, wrinkled her nose, and stuck her tongue out before she turned to her friend. She reached out and lightly touched Ivy’s arm. Ivy looked down at Harley, her eyes blazing with her rhetoric when Harley hissed, “Not the time Red.” 

Ivy blinked a couple of times, then looked out at the small crowd and back at Harley. She took a deep breath and began again. 

“Harley is my best friend, my only friend really. As I said, I don’t like mammals and I especially don't like humans, but Harley has shown me that not all of your are that bad. I still don’t like any of you except Harley, which in all honesty I have no idea why I like her…” 

“RED!” Harley gasped and giggled. “You like me because I remind you that you used to be like the rest of us mammals.” 

Ivy chuckled wrinkling her nose at Harley. “I suppose.” She turned back to the small crowd. “But I do like her and all I’ve ever wanted for Harley was her happiness, until I take over the world…” 

Joker groaned loudly and flopped back in his chair, dropping his head back and his arms looking like an especially bored child. 

Ivy narrowed her eyes at the groom, but continued. “And part of what makes Harley happy is Joker. I still don’t understand the human need for a partner in life, as I’m perfectly happy with just my plants, but some people do and finding that rare person who understands you on a level that you didn’t even realize you had is difficult, but Harley found that in Joker. He is a lot of things that I won’t say because I’m being nice today…” 

Harley giggled at this, but Joker, without raising his head, simply gave her the finger as Ivy continued. “He is good to Harley. He makes her happy, he keeps her laughing and, as I’ve been forced to hear on more than one occasion, he has a great ass and is good in bed.” 

Harley’s parents once more looked horrified. 

Harley giggled, wrinkling her nose with a joyful smile. 

Joker sat up straight, looking pleased and bewildered before he leaned over to Harley and whispered. “Did you really say that??” 

Harley nodded grinning. “All true.” 

Joker reached up and pulled Harley’s face toward him to give her a kiss on the cheek followed by a whispered. “Ooh, I’m gonna show my appreciation of your appreciation for my backside later.” 

Harley giggled happily as Ivy continued. 

“So, since Harley’s happiness is the only thing in the world that I want besides world domination…” She raised her glass. “Here is to my best and only friend on her wedding day--may their days be filled with laughter.” 

Everyone applauded and cheered as Ivy sat down. Harley threw her arms around Ivy to hug her tightly. “Ahh, thanks Red.” 

Ivy smiled and shrugged. “You’re welcome.” 

Joker jumped up smiling and waving everyone down to be quiet again. “Okay, now it’s my best buddy’s turn to give a speech!” 

Ivy smirked, whispering to Harley. “Oh, this is gonna be rich.” 

Joker whispered in Batman’s ear. “Now be nice Bat dumplings, this is my reception and you don’t want to make my wife sad on her wedding day, now do you?” Joker pouted at Batman batting his eyes at him. “Or me? This is my wedding day too Batsy. So say something nice, for me...for Harley.” 

Batman glared. 

* 

At the table where Riddler and the rest of the Gotham villain elite sat, Riddler started to giggle, already well on his way to intoxication. “This is gonna be great!!” 

Quelle was sitting next to him and gave Eddie a sour look. “I’m not carrying you home. If you insist on drinking that much, you can sleep here.” 

Riddler frowned giving her a slightly inebriated glare. “You are a party pooper Quelle.” 

Quelle just gave him a dirty look. 

Riddler stuck his tongue out, deliberately taking another drink while looking at Quelle. “I’m sure Batman is just going to gush over this stupid wedding.” 

Bane was calm as he said, “That Bat may surprise you.” 

Crane was licking his fingers having finished his cotton candy. “I’m with Riddler on this one. The Batman is a lot of things, but surprising when it comes to the Joker? I think not. Or rather I should say if Batman said something nice, it would be surprising, but I highly doubt that he will.” 

Lark was sitting next to Penguin, her arm around the short man’s shoulders. Penguin passed her his cigarette holder. She took a deep pull on the cigarette, grinning at she handed it back to her employer (and sometimes lover.) Penguin smiled at her taking the cigarette holder and taking his own long drag. 

Penguin blew a slow line of smoke from behind his lips, holding his cigarette elegantly between his fingers. “Oh I don’t know, Batman and Joker have a long and glorious relationship. Batman might decide to say something nice...of course if he does, then I’m a real penguin.” Penguin laughed at his joke with Lark shaking her head in amusement. 

Mercy glanced at Selina. “What do you think he’ll do? You probably know the Bat better than anyone, except maybe the Joker.” 

Selina schooled her features. It was known that she and the Batman had runs ins here and there, had worked together once or twice (though never against anyone here at this table). 

She shrugged taking the olive out of her drink and popping it into her mouth and chewed thoughtfully. “Honestly, I’m not sure what he will say.” 

Croc frowned rubbing a hand over his scaled, bald head. “I feel really uncomfortable having him here…” 

Jervis (who for some unknown reason was still sitting on top of Croc’s shoulders) patted the large replitalian looking man on the head and murmured. “ 

“Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!” 

But then everyone’s attention was back at the wedding table as Joker yelled out. “All right everyone--quiet!! The best man is going to give his speech!!” 

The room fell silent. 

Joker ripped the duct tape from Batman’s mouth. Batman spit out the handkerchief that had been stuffed into his mouth, coughing a little. 

“Oh my poor Batsy, here--have a sip of champagne.” Joker grabbed his glass and held it to Batman’s lips. 

Batman thought for a moment about refusing, but his mouth was dry and he could feel he would start coughing again, so he took a sip. 

Joker grinned and sat back. “Okay--go on say something nice.” 

Batman glared, looking from Joker to the other members of Gotham City’s rogues gallery gathered here in one place. None of them had done anything wrong tonight, at least that he was aware of except for being who they were, criminals, each and every one of them, deadly, vicious criminals...all here for a wedding. And kidnapping him, of course. 

Batman sighed looking over at Joker who was grinning expectantly, and Harley who watched him with a curious expression on her pretty face. 

“I don’t know a lot about love, but I can recognize it when I see it.” Batman looked over at Joker and Harley. “You two are in love. I can’t deny it, and it’s visible to everyone here. You two are meant for one another.” Batman turned his attention to focus solely on Joker. “Before Harley came into your life, you were a one-dimensional lost soul tearing through Gotham looking for something. I don’t think you even know what you were looking for, then you found her.” Batman looked over at Harley then focused his attention back on Joker. “Someone who made you vulnerable, someone who understood you on a level that you didn’t even understand yourself, someone who was willing to stand beside you no matter what. Harleen Quinzel fell in love with you despite and because of who you are.You found more than simply a playmate--you found someone to weather your storm with you, someone who accepts you and who loves the real you no matter what. You love her more than you love yourself and that is something I thought I would never see.” Batman narrowed his eyes behind his mask. “But that will not stop me from taking you, Harley and everyone here back to Arkham the minute I’m free…” 

Joker slapped the duct tape back on Batman’s mouth. “Ookay! That’s quite enough.” He giggled. “Ah, the best man always gets a little silly about the speech.” Joker kissed Batman on the cheek. “I love you too buddy.” Joker grinned as Batman glared batarangs at him. The tall clown turned his attention to the guests. “All right, I don’t know about anyone else here, but I could eat a horse! Let’s have some dinner!!” 

* 

Everyone ate and drank until there was a low happy rumble of sound as people spoke, and actually enjoyed the meal. After everyone ate and the atmosphere of the room calmed a little more as everyone settled down with full stomachs--and nice buzzes from the alcohol which caused the majority of guests who were there under threat of death to relax, Joker leaned over and motioned for Frost, who hurried over. 

“Go get the music ready.” Joker smiled. “It’s time for some entertainment!” 

Frost nodded with a smile and hurried off. 

Joker touched Harley’s hand. “Ready my dear? Time to boogie!” 

Harley giggled and got up. “Born ready puddin!” 

Ivy frowned watching the two of them disappear. She looked over at Batman. 

“Where are they off to?” she asked. The Dark Knight just glared at her. 

Ivy made a face at him before she shrugged and sipped her water. “Well, whatever it is they’re planning, I’m sure it's ridiculous.” 

She frowned when she saw Bob start moving tables and chairs, forcing people to get up and move with them until they had created a large space in the middle of the floor. 

“What on earth…” she muttered with a slight frown. 

* 

A few seconds later, everyone became quiet as a string quartet came into the church, carrying their instruments, with Frost following behind, holding a gun on them. (Batman snarled behind his tape.) The quartet set up quietly, and all the while Frost waited patiently, his weapon trained on them as they set up their seats and tuned their instruments. 

“What the fuck are they doing now?” Riddler frowned and blinked slowly, drunk. 

Bane smiled behind his mask. “Ah, music is very good.” 

Penguin frowned sharing a look with Lark. “Didn’t take the clowns for liking classical music.” 

Mercy grinned. “This should be good.” 

As the music played, Joker came walking out, strolling gracefully with Harley on his arm. The only thing missing was a spotlight on them as they circled the small, makeshift dance floor. Harley had changed her dress and was now wearing a bias cut red sheath dress that clung to her figure provocatively. The glittering thin straps that made up the sleeves criss crossed over her breasts as well as along the back of the dress where the criss cross straps dipped low, showing off her back. The rest of the red satin dress dropped into a full, flowing skirt, her legs were clad in sheer black hose that looked to have tiny diamonds on them. The lights in the church caught the glitter on Harley’s dress and the hose, making her sparkle. Her hair was the same, but she had removed the veil and replaced it with matching sparkling hair clips. 

Joker grinned at her, his blue eyes dancing in his pale face as he started to sing. 

“Lovely to look at, 

Delightful to know and heaven to kiss. 

A combination like this…” 

* 

Harley smiled as he walked her around the impromptu dance floor and sang. 

“Is quite my most impossible scheme come true, 

Imagine finding a boy like you!” 

She giggled. 

* 

Ivy blinked and looked at Batman. “Are they doing Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire?” 

Batman simply glared back, but Harley’s mother gasped. “I didn’t know our little girl could sing!” 

Ivy turned toward Harley’s mother, but instead of saying anything out loud she simply muttered under her breath. “Your little girl gets up to a lot of things you don’t know about.” 

Ivy shrugged and turned back to watch whatever it was Joker and Harley were doing. 

* 

Joker smiled, having eyes only for Harley as he sang again. 

“You're lovely to look at, 

It's thrilling to hold you terribly tight. 

For we're together, the moon is new, 

And oh, it's lovely to look at you tonight!” 

* 

They began to dance. 

Joker held Harley’s arm wrapped around his while they moved together, doing their best to replicate Ginger Rogers’ and Fred Astaire's dance style. They moved together, their bodies pressed side by side before they flowed apart, their arms out as they danced side by side, mirroring each others moves. They spun around to face each other, smiling the entire time, looking into each others eyes, their hands held out elegantly at their sides as they weaved lightly back and forth for a few seconds. 

Everyone watched them mesmerized because Joker and Harley were surprisingly good dancers. 

They did a little step, throwing one leg out in front of the other, landing the foot gracefully and swaying into the step. Harley’s dress flowed around her like water. Joker took her hand, spun her around, the two of them doing the same step again, moving across the dance floor together in perfect harmony. 

When they reached the center of the dance floor, Joker pulled his wife against him, holding her hand, and with his arm around her waist in a classical dance position. Harley smiled at him, holding his hand, her arm around his shoulders while they danced in a circle, weaving and flowing like water, neither one missing a step, the two of them in perfect harmony with each other. 

Batman frowned as he watched them. They were actually quite impressive dancers he thought. He felt a spike a jealousy that surprised him. Joker had something he would never have--love, true, deep love. They were both completely off their rockers, dangerous, mad and murderous, but… 

It was clear that they were in it together, they loved each other, and understand each other when the rest of the world didn’t. He supposed that was something special. 

Even if he hoped they spent the rest of their married life behind cell walls in Arkham Asylum. 

Batman sighed. He couldn’t do anything for now, so he let himself relax and watch the two love birds dance while he planned the best method to arrest the rogues. 

* 

Joker spun Harley around; her dress spun out from her legs, rippling and flowing beautifully while the two of them moved quickly in an almost hopping gait while the music accelerated with their movements. Harley leaned back dangerously as they spun around, but secure in the knowledge that her puddin would hold her until they stopped, Joker pulling her back up. The music softened again, Harley once more standing at Joker’s side. She grinned, leaning her head against his shoulder. He laid his hand around the side of her head, holding her head against his shoulder as they walked elegantly to the music once more to the center of the floor. 

They did a few more slow and elegant dance steps with Joker holding her head tenderly to his shoulder before he released her to slide his hand along her shoulders and down her arm, they joined hands for a brief moment, their fingers touching before the music picked up tempo again. 

Joker laughed as they both leapt and tapped across the floor until Joker grabbed Harley again, pulling her against him and they held each other, leaping and dancing, swinging each other across the floor together. 

Harley giggled, holding onto Joker as they spun around the floor. “I love you,” she said while staring into his blue eyes. “I love you puddin.” 

Joker grinned at her, spinning around with her in his arms so that the rest of the people in the room faded away until there was only Harley in his arms. The only thing in his life that made any sense at all. 

“I love you too, my pumpkin pie. Together until the end,” he whispered. “Just you and me kid.” 

Harley laughed. “Just you and me, together forever!” 

They spun around happily before they finally stopped in the middle of the room, both of them laughing and panting as the music stopped. 

There was a moment of silence before everyone applauded or cheered with real appreciation. Arthur Fleck smiled clapping his hands vigorously. Under different circumstances he would have loved for the Joker and Harley Quinn to join his group of actors. They could sing and clearly were fantastic dancers. They would have been perfect, except for the fact that he was completely terrified of them. 

Batman sighed giving the two clowns some grudging respect; they were quite the performers. Now, if they had just turned their skills towards entertainment rather than crime and chaos... 

Joker laughed. “All right! I know that many of you can’t dance, but you should at least get out here and try!” 

The quartet began to play “Dancing in the Moonlight” Penguin was the first up, leading Lark onto the dance floor, followed by Bane with Mercy, the Croc with Hatter still sitting on his shoulders waving a wine glass around as the two men spun to the music. Within a minute, most of the guests had moved onto the floor to dance. 

Joker laughed, pulling Harley close against him, and wrapping his arms around her waist as they swayed together. Harley draped her arms along his shoulders smiling happily, her fingers softly playing with the hair at the back of his neck. 

“Best wedding ever,” she said softly, rubbing the tip of her nose against his nose. 

Joker purred. “Well, it did have me as the groom…” 

Harley laughed as he spun her around. “How about we slip off, my sweets...let me help you out of that dress.” Joker cooed seductively, his lips close to hers, but not quite kissing her. “Our first night together as husband and wife…” 

She gave him a broad smile. “I think that is a perfect idea puddin…” 

Joker released her, sliding a hand down her arm to take her hand, the two of them slipping away unnoticed by anyone but Bob who grinned happily as he danced with Selina. 

* 

The two of them slipped away to the room that Harley had used to change into her wedding dress (which was currently on a hanger against the wall). 

They stumbled into the room while kissing. Joker’s hand on the door knob slipped as they stumbled inside, but Harley kicked the door closed as they moved into the room. 

Joker held her close, his mouth moving over hers in a slow and sensual dance, his tongue sliding and caressing against her tongue, his lips moving over her soft, gentle lips. His hands slid down along the smoothness of the dress to her rear, which he grasped with both hands until the back of his legs hit the bed and he abruptly sat down. 

Harley giggled, kicking her shoes off before pulling the skirt of her dress up and straddled his lap, her smile happy and playful. She began to work at his tie, nearly choking him with her urge to rip it off. Joker ran his hands along her rear and up her back, enjoying the smooth feel of her body under her dress. 

Harley focused her attention on his shirt after she tossed his tie aside. 

“Let’s get all this clothing off of you,” she purred as she worked quickly, pulling buttons through button holes, moving swiftly enough that she popped a few of the buttons completely off the shirt and sent them flying across the room before shoving his jacket and shirt off his shoulders. 

“I want my husband,” she growled low in her throat. “I want him now.” 

Joker grinned merrily. “I knew you were going to become more demanding once I married you.” 

Joker worked quickly to get out of his shirt, jacket and vest. (He was also hoping to save his buttons because this was a gorgeous suit he wanted to keep) until he was finally able to toss the clothing to the floor while kicking off his shoes at the same time. Harley ran her hands over his pale ghost white chest, at the same time grinding her hips against the hard mass of his erection that she could feel between her legs, struggling against the material of his slacks. 

“Puddin…” She purred, rolling her hips. “Husband…” she added with a smile. 

He purred back smiling at her, his hands caressing her backside. “Mm...I like it when my little murder kitten is anxious and needy.” 

He reached behind her and grasped the zipper of her dress, pulling it down slowly at the same time he licked her lips. “My wife...Mrs. J…” He chuckled. “I do love the way that sounds.” 

Once he had her dress unzipped, Joker grabbed the dress, but then slowly pulled it over her, working the soft material up. Harley helped him by sliding her arms through the straps and pulling the dress over her head to toss aside. 

Joker grinned when he saw she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath. Harley wore only a thin bit of lace at her hips, a pair of light black lace panties that were crotchless, a garter belt, and the black hose she was wearing under the dress held in place by the garter belt’s clasps. 

“Mrs. J, just look at you.” He grinned and ran his hands along her sides. “So pretty,” he whispered. “My pretty, pretty wife.” 

Harley licked his chin, sliding her hands down to the buckle of his pants. “Get naked--now, “ she demanded. 

Joker flicked his tongue against her lips. “Whatever my wife desires.” 

Harley rolled off of him and onto the bed pushing herself up on her elbows so she could watch him. Her legs dangled off the edge and she kicked her feet playfully while a big smile spread across her face. “Take them off slowly,” she commanded. 

Joker stood and turned to her grinning. He moved his hips to music only he could hear. He unbuckled the belt and slowly ran his hands over his pelvis and down over his bound erection while he ran his tongue over his upper lip. 

Harley watched intently. A lock of green hair had fallen across his brow in a soft curl. Her eyes traveled down his smooth throat to his collar, then along his chest and flat stomach to his hips, her body aching for her husband’s touch. She bit her lip watching the way his hands moved over himself grabbing himself gently before he unbuttoned the slacks, then slowly the zipper. Harley’s heartbeat increased when his slacks dropped and he stepped out of them, reaching down to roll his socks off each foot. She caught her bottom lip between her teeth sucking on her lip as the ache she had been feeling between her legs increased tenfold. 

Joker smiled at her and ran a hand along his stomach, his fingers teasing at the band of his boxers he wore--a pair of gold boxers that fit snug against him, holding everything in place. 

Harley motioned with her finger. “Do a little turn for me puddin.” 

Joker raised a curious eyebrow, but he turned slowly for her. 

Harley groaned softly while she watched him, she loved curve of his spine; he made her want to run her down all the way down his back. 

She purred. “Take them off.” 

Joker looked over his shoulder at her grinning impishly before he took hold of the sides of his boxers and slid them down his legs and bending over to wiggle his butt at her. 

Harley giggled with appreciation. “Come here puddin.” 

Joker turned around, his erection pale and hard with just enough pink to his skin from the hot blood flowing in his veins. Harley pushed herself up, grabbing his legs when he was close enough to step between her legs. 

“Mmm...yes…” she murmured gazing at his erection. 

Joker chuckled. “Like it?” 

Harley ran her hands up and down his hips, then caressed his stomach while looking up at him with a mischievous smile. “I like it a lot puddin.” She flicked the tip of her tongue against him. 

Joker jerked with a groan. “Harls…” 

Harley wrapped a hand around him and Joker jerked in pleasure again. Her grip was firm and warm, but then she began to kiss him, pressed her lips against the head of his erection feeling the satin softness skin against her lips. She kissed him slowly, wrapping her lips around the head of his penis, pressing her lips down and sucking gently. 

Joker reached out to caress her hair, his fingers gently stroking her scalp as he watched her. 

Harley sucked a little more of him into her mouth. She loved the way his erection felt, the skin so warm and soft, the way he head of his shaft fit perfectly into her mouth. While she kissed and sucked on him, Harley cupped his scrotum, cupping the soft flesh in her hand and squeezing just enough to make him shudder with pleasure. She stroked her hand that held him against the satin softness that was at odds with the hardness of his erection while sucking deeply on him. She took more and more of him into her mouth, her tongue coating him with her saliva. 

Joker hissed, his brow knitting with the effort not to thrust into her mouth, not to let himself go, but the way her lips and tongue moved over him made it so difficult not to just let himself go. She knew all the spots to hit, all the ways he liked to be sucked and licked... 

He moaned watching her, watching the way she sucked all of him into her warm, wet mouth... 

Harley bobbed her head slowly, taking her time, enjoying what she was doing. She stopped cupping him in favor of running her one hand over the flat contours of his stomach, caressing her fingers along the flat space between his stomach and penis, that smooth, delicately soft span of skin that led to his groin, her fingernails moving back and forth slowly as she dragged the edge of her teeth against him. 

Joker shuddered in pleasure. He didn’t know how much longer he could let her do this before he had to yank himself away. Her lips were so soft and the way her tongue moved over him... 

He pulled back with a gasp. “Harley...stop…” 

She looked up, licking her lips with a smile before turning her smile into a playful pout. “Too much?” 

Joker laughed looking down at her. “You are so naughty.” 

She nodded and pushed herself back on the bed. “Punish me puddin.” 

Joker smiled. “Oh I will.” 

He dropped onto the bed, grabbed her legs, and lifted them over his shoulders as he practically dived into her, his mouth between her legs before Harley had a moment to ready herself. She arched and cried out when his tongue found her, sliding slowly between the soft skin of her intimate lips to find her clitoris in one smooth stroke of his tongue. Harley gasped again, reaching down to gasp his hair while his hands moved up her torso to her breasts. He stroked his thumbs along her hard nipples, sending shockwaves of pleasure through her while his mouth worked slowly against her. His lips were soft, moving up and down on her, following the rhythm of his tongue. 

Joker pressed his mouth down on her, kissing her as deeply as he would her mouth, sucking and nibbling, his nose buried against the soft curls of her sex, his eyes closed as he gave into the sensual pleasure of tasting her, tasting his girl, his wife. He moaned, sliding his tongue into her with a quick twitch of the tip. Harley cried out, her orgasm exploding over her. She wrapped her legs around his head as he dug in deeper, his tongue finding places she didn’t know she had as he squeezed her breasts, pinching her nipples while he licked and sucked at her. Harley looked down at Joker, seeing his green hair down between her legs, her fingers in his hair. She dropped her head back again with a gasp of erotic release. 

Joker growled with pleasure, tasting her on his tongue, the rich sweet flavor of her when she climaxed. He moved his head slowly back and forth while he flicked his tongue at the little, pink bud of her clitoris before diving in deeper, licking every inch of her wet, soft flesh. He grinned each time her fingers grabbed handfuls of his hair and pulled him closer, her body arching and writhing with the movements of his tongue and lips. 

Harley groaned, gasping for air and felt the tension as another climax built, building higher until she cried out again, arching her hips toward Joker’s eager mouth, her body succumbing to another orgasmic blast of pleasure. 

Joker grinned and brought his head up to rest his chin against her curls of hair at her groin. 

“You taste delicious,” he purred. 

Harley giggled looking down at him, dropping her legs back down to the bed. “Let me taste.” 

Joker waggled his eyebrows and slid up her body to capture her mouth with his. Harley groaned, running her fingers through his green hair, kissing him hard; her tongue thrust into his mouth, twisting with his, tasting herself on his lips. 

Joker wrapped his arms around her, his erection pressed against the dripping wetness of his wife, feeling the heat emanating from her. He growled against her mouth. “Harley...my wife…” he said, before he grabbed her bottom lip with his teeth pulling slightly before he released her. “My wife…” he said again. 

Harley smiled at him. Her eyes glowed with love and lust. “Puddin...my husband.” 

She grinned, grabbing his hair and forcing his head back, and at the same time she pushed, using her legs and hips to force him over onto his back. 

Joker chuckled as Harley tossed him over. She crawled on top of him and slid onto his erection quickly. 

Joker groaned, thrusting his pelvis up, pressing his head back against the pillows as he grasped her hips, pressing the lace of her panties into her skin. 

Harley hissed in response to him filling her, his erection deep inside her. She began to move her hips, undulating her body as she rode him, pressing him into the bed, her fingers digging into his chest. 

Joker reached up to cup her breasts, watching her, feeling the intense ripples of pleasure as she rode him, sliding up and down and grinding him into the bed. He felt it when she began to quicken, building towards another orgasm; the wave of wetness as she rose closer, the tension in her body, the way she rode him, thrusting faster. 

He sat up to wrap his arms around her, flicking his tongue against her nipples before pressing her close to suck on one of her nipples. 

Harley moaned, looking down at Joker, his green hair a mess from her convulsing fingers, his lips slightly swollen from their kissing. She gasped, holding onto Joker to keep her grounded because she felt like she might fly away. He felt so good inside her, so hard, so thick. She gasped when he sucked her nipple into his mouth, the feel of his fingers pressed against her skin, dragging down her back when he bit into her skin around her nipple followed by her crying out when he flicked the tip of his tongue against her. Harley ground her hips, cupping his head against her chest. Her clitoris throbbed where she rubbed against him while she moved along with his thrusts, driving his shaft deeper into her. 

“Uh...uh puddin...yes...” Harley cried out and Joker held her down on him, feeling the way her body clenched around him. He groaned with a sound between pleasure and pain. Her orgasm washed over him with a wave of wet heat that he had to struggle against not to orgasm with her. 

Joker rolled her off of him and onto the bed, kissing her as he pressed her down into the mattress, thrusting hard and deep into while she rode out her orgasm. 

When he felt her ease down a little, the height of the orgasm having started to descend, pushed up, balancing himself on his knees and one elbow and pulled out of her, which made Harley gasp and whimper. At the same time Joker wrapped one hand around her throat, the other going down between them. He coated his hand in her fluids, feeling the slightly stickiness of her on his fingers. He brushed his damp hand down lower, fingering her as he caressed her chin and jaw with his thumb while he continued to kiss her, slowly sliding his finger deeper. 

Harley gasped, pressing her feet against the mattress, arching her hips when his finger slipped into her one way, his thumb the other, he thrust with both, not hard, but gently prompting her to move with the gentle thrusts of his fingers while tingling sensations almost too good continued to wash over her. His fingers around her neck pressed softly, just enough to hold her down--not enough to hurt--while they kissed and he fucked her with his fingers. 

Harley whimpered with pleasure, writhing with each thrust as Joker groaned. “I want you in every way Harley.” 

Harley panted grasping him and nodded. “Yes puddin, yes…” 

Joker grinned kissing her as he removed his fingers and his hand from her throat. “I brought something with me just in case you said yes.” 

Joker scrambled off the bed; Harley pouted as he went searching through the pockets of his slacks coming up with a small tube of lubricant. He hurried back onto the bed and between her legs again. Harley frowned, waiting while he coated himself in lubricant, but gasped as he adjusted her legs, pushing them back to her shoulders and giving her a beautiful red-lipped grin while he held one hand against the thigh of her leg while he squeeze lubricant against her and rubbed his hand over her, coating her in the warm liquid that tingled pleasantly within seconds of it touching her. Joker grinned at her as he brushed his erection against her, coating himself with her fluids and the mix of lubricant creating a sensual squishy slip and slide against her sex before he gently pressed the head of his erection against her, a bit lower. He looked into her eyes smiling as he began to slowly press into her. 

“You tell me if you need me to stop pumpkin. Daddy doesn’t want to hurt you.” Joker smiled at her. 

Harley tensed for a moment at the unfamiliar sensation, but Joker was moving slowly, sending a pleasantly luxurious sensation through her entire body. He didn’t push himself all the way into her, just enough to be comfortable, just enough to drive her mad with pleasure. 

“You all right sweets?” he asked not moving, just holding himself slightly inside her, while caressing her leg. 

Harley nodded with a smile and flutter of her eyelids at the wonderful sensations he created with this new experience. “Yes, yes I’m fine.” 

“My good girl,” he purred with a growl in his voice. 

He moved slow, very slow, easing in and out of her with gentle thrusts while not pushing all of himself into her, just partly. He bit his bottom lip looking down at her, watching her face while he moved. He reached down with his other hand to brush her clitoris at the same time; slow, gentle thrusts into her while he stroked his thumb over her clitoris, alternating that with sliding a finger into her, thrusting with both his finger in between her intimate lips and with his erection inside her lower at the same time. 

Harley whimpered, the feeling of every part of her being used sent pleasure radiating through her, she felt as if every single part of her was tingling with delight. Every nerve ending was firing at once sending wave after wave of pleasure through her entire body as Joker’s erection touched her where she never knew it would feel so stimulating. 

Harley reached desperately for him as if she needed Joker to achor her or she would fly apart; her body arched at the same time as an orgasm like she had never felt before rolled over her. Joker groaned. She was so tight, and he was already so excited by her that it wouldn’t have taken much for him to climax, but feeling that tightness of her combined with the look of agonizing pleasure on her face was too much. Joker yanked her leg up against him, wrapping his arm around her leg, laying his cheek against her knee, the smooth feeling of her stocking against his cheek thrilled him as he held on, together them came, climaxing at the same time in a rush of blinding pleasure. 

Joker thrust slowly for a few more seconds, his body jerking and groaning loudly as his orgasm seemed to pull everything out of him. Finally, he pulled out of her and fell onto the mattress next to her ,panting, his heart hammering, and his legs spread out with complete exhaustion. 

Joker chuckled, his eyes closed. “Wow, I need a cigarette.” 

Harley rolled over and nestled against his side, wrapping a leg around him, her own breath and heart struggling to come back under control. 

Joker smiled pulling her close, holding her against him. 

They were both quiet as Harley lazily stroked his chest. “We shouldn’t fall asleep here. Soon as Bats is free this will be the first place he’ll come looking.” 

Joker chuckled. “It’ll still take him awhile to find this place. Bob is supposed to take him practically to Bludhaven before letting him go, but you’re right my darling pumpkin pie--we should be gone long before he starts looking and finds this place.” 

Harley almost pointed out that they could take care of their Bat problem permanently, but she didn’t. She knew how the game was played, and this was neither the time nor the place for that, so she said nothing. 

Joker stroked her arm and shoulder with the tips of his fingers. “I think we should leave Gotham for a few days for our honeymoon, give Batsy a chance to cool off. It’s been emotional for him, I’m sure, seeing his favorite couple getting married.” 

Harley kissed his chest and nodded. “Agreed puddin.” 

Joker smiled and kissed the top of her head. “I think I’m going to like being married to you.” 

Harley laughed. “Good, because I know I’m going to like being married to you. And now, you ain’t got a choice, puddin--you’re stuck with me!” 

Joker laughed. “We are going to be great! Mr. and Mrs. J! Gotham’s royal couple! Gotham will be so pleased!” 

They snuggled and laughed. 

* 

It took some work, but Selina finally convinced Bob to let her be the one to take Batman away after the reception party started to come to wind down. Bob was taking care of Harley’s parents, she rationalized with him, and he could trust her to take care of Batman. Bob was such a sweetheart that he agreed. 

She was careful about removing Batman from the scene. (She had a bit of difficulty, but it wasn’t like she could simply pick up the man and move him, nor could she untape him and let him go.) Still, she managed to get him out of the church and into her car without anyone noticing--barely. Thank goodness most of them were too drunk to notice. 

She hadn’t bothered to blindfold him either. She knew him well enough that she knew he would have found the church sooner rather than later, but by the time she let him go, everyone would be long gone. Joker and Harley had already vanished; she wasn’t sure if they had left the church or not, but the newly married couple had slipped away unnoticed at some point, probably having gone to consummate their marriage, loudly and vigorously. If so, thankfully they found a spot far away from the guests... 

Selina drove, heading toward one of her many hidey-holes in the city, but one of the very few that Bruce knew about. The good thing about this safehouse was that it was on the other side of town, a good hour or more drive from where Joker and Harley had had their wedding. 

When they arrived at the apartment building, Selina turned off her car and turned around to face Batman, who was lying on his side and looking as angry as a wet cat. She smiled at him and leaned over to pull the tape away from his mouth. 

“Selina, let me go,” Batman said in his gruffest tone. 

“I will, but I have a request first, and you have to give me your word.” Selina smiled with a serene expression on her face. 

Batman narrowed his eyes. “What do you want?” 

“That if I release you, that you will just come up and have some coffee with me and not go looking for Joker and Harley.” Selina smiled. “Let them have their honeymoon.” 

Batman snarled. “I…” 

“No, you can, just this once...Bruce.” Selina tilted her head. “Let them have this. You can go after them tomorrow and throw them in Arkham. Tonight, come have coffee with me...and maybe we can make a little fun ourselves.” She purred at him. “Come on...give me your word…” 

She smiled seductively at him. 

Batman glared back at her, but after a few tense seconds, he sighed. “Fine, I give you my word I won’t go after them tonight. But only tonight.” 

“Thank you Batman. Now, let’s get you free so you can come have some coffee upstairs with me.” Selina giggled softly. 

Batman sighed and shook his head. 

* 

A few days went by, but Batman had found nothing. 

Joker and Harley had vanished, along with all of the other villainous wedding participants. 

He found the church the following night, but very little evidence had been left behind of the wedding. 

Now, a few nights later, Batman stood on the edge of a gargoyle head looking out over the streets of Gotham when his phone vibrated. 

He frowned and pulled the phone out of its compartment on his belt. He didn’t use a phone often while he was working, but he did carry one with a special number for his informants that were scattered throughout Gotham. 

He frowned; someone had sent him a picture from a number he didn’t know. He narrowed his eyes and hit the accept button. 

A picture came up. It was of Joker and Harley at night standing in front of one of Lex Luthor’s buildings, the giant LexCorp sign glowing on the top of the building. 

Joker was wearing purple shorts with a blue and white hawaiian style shirt with red palm trees across the chest and a large straw hat and aviator sunglasses with purple lenses, while Harley was dressed in a cute red and white sleeveless sundress and pigtails with a pair of large heart shaped red sunglasses on. 

Joker was holding a phone, taking the snapshot while Harley waved in the background--with a bomb in her hand. The picture came with a text caption: Having a Great Honeymoon Wish You were Here!” 

Batman snarled glaring at the image. “How did they get this number?” 

* 

Joker tossed the phone into a nearby garbage can with a chuckle. “Now, where were we sweets?” 

Harley giggled, holding up the bomb. “Boom!” 

“Ah!! That’s right! Come along wifey!” Joker walked over and put his arm around Harley’s waist as they both headed in the direction of the building. 

He smiled happily. “I love honeymoons.”


End file.
